What are you giving up?

I’ve had, for lack of a better term, a mantra for some time now. It’s about choices. We make the choices in our lives for the end result we get. Everything we say and do is a choice that gives us the outcome we are currently in.

An example would be, I’ve always wanted to write a blog and start a podcast. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself and thinking. Yet, the choices I make say that is not true. I don’t not want a blog and podcast. Why? Because I would rather watch a movie, veg out in front of the TV, read a comic, or a book, go for a run. I made the choice to NOT write a blog or start a podcast. I was unwilling to get up early enough to write a blog or make a podcast. I would rather run 10 miles, then run 5 and come home to write. All choices made.

It happens in our personal lives, work, friendships, health. I want to eat better, but “fast food” is so good. I’ve read about how bad cheese is, I want to give it up, but it tastes so good. I hear sugar is bad for you, but I need my ice cream or candy bar, or whatever. So, you don’t want to eat better. You choose to eat things that are bad for you, saying you want to improve your health. You don’t want to improve your health, you want to say you want to improve your health.

This is where I am as a father. I said I wanted to be a good father. This was the choice made. So, blogs and books read, podcasts and audiobooks listened to. Information given, or thought to be true, questioned and researched. It wasn’t enough to say “I want to be a good father”, a conscience choice made to be a better father, than a better *blank*.

What has been given up? It’s hard to say, because so many of those things weren’t that great. This isn’t a “being a parent is the best thing in the world and everything else sucks” comment. Being a parent is great, but it’s hard and sacrifices are / were real. It’s all a choices, though. The choice to read to my daughter, instead of play on my phone. The knowledge of when it’s important to give your child your full attention. Also, to know when you can push boundaries that allow her to grow, but not feel unimportant. That you should get down to her level, not look down on her. I have even picked her up and held her above me when talking, or put her on a chair that makes her taller. A choice that allows her to feel that empowerment.

A choice to watch less TV, to be more present. A choice to eat better, because your kid will eat what you eat. A choice to stand my ground with family about things they don’t agree with.

There are times waking up thinking, “How did I get here”. A wife. A child. A house. A stay-at-home-dad. Not “working” in the traditional sense. It was all choices. Choices made inch by inch. A choice made this night, that lead to a choice that night, that lead to a choice here, then there. Now here. It helps sometimes, when feeling overwhelmed to think about the choices made. That when it seems like things are happening to me, it was a set of choices, made by me, that brought me here. The world isn’t happening to me. I am make the world happen. It might not always feel that way, but they are my choices. Whether 20 years ago, or five minutes ago, are all creating the person we are right now through choices made.

The weight of that feels even more when you consider a child affected by your choices. How we choose to react helps to form the person they are and will become. Do we yell? Spank? How do we raise our voice? What tone are we using? What message are we conveying? What message do we want to convey? We are making choices every minute of everyday that will impact your child. They look to you to make sense of and understand the world.

Yesterday, there was a moment of this impact with my daughter. She was talking about a dress she asked her mom to make for her little monkey. Monkey is sometimes a girl and sometimes a boy. She understands that she is a girl and dad is a boy and mom is a girl. Yet, there is gender fluidity when it comes to her stuffed animals. I have always tried to allow that to be. It’s okay if monkey is a boy and wears a dress. It’s also okay if monkey is wearing a dress, because monkey is a girl. A choice to not force one identity or another.

I also refer to her as a person, not a girl, in certain situations. If she does something nice, I say, “You are such a kind person”. An attempt to avoid saying, “kid”, or “child”, and keep it gender neutral. In the hopes she understands she can be whomever she wants. Also, in an attempt to keep from associating male or female with overly good or bad qualities.

Okay, this is getting in deeper and longer than planned. Yet, I made the choice to wake up early and write this and start working on a podcast. Now, this has long to long and the choice was made to maybe not getting started on the podcast today. We’ll see.

*As an asterisk to this, people do have choices put on them. Things get out of people’s control. Some people have real issues that keep them from making the choice they want. I acknowledge this and am not trying to say things are not put on us, or hard. I’ve had and continue to live with some of these very things. This isn’t a you caused “x” to happened because you did “y” in situations we genuinely can’t control. This was more reflective of daily choices. So, yes, someone may be not eating healthy for a variety of reasons that are out of their control. This is meant to address the daily things we can control, if we are lucky enough to be in a position to do so.

To you not me, me not you

There are times I don’t write a moment or thought, because it seems obvious, or “fishing”. A random memory. A sporadic thought. A comment on life. Something my daughter did, or said.

Not embracing the importance of recording random moments.

There’s a yin and yang to every moment in life. Should I or shouldn’t I? I have “lost” possible recordable moments to stay focused on the present moment. A time I wanted to write something funny my daughter said, but not pull out my phone to get it recorded. The same goes for a “deep thought” that flashes through my mind.

For all the times I haven’t recorded a moment, I’ve stayed more present in the moment. Yet, there are at least six things from yesterday that would make me, or my wife, or even you smile. There is joy that is not in the world, outside that moment, because I wanted to stay so present, others miss out. And not random people, but people that would benefit.

In my struggle to be a better parent I have become less of a husband, friend, son, brother. Something I am trying to correct, but it’s hard, because there is this little life that I am now responsible for. Big hugs from such small arms. The word “Daddy” said over and over again, to the point of frustration sometimes. Yet, knowing it’s because she trusts and loves the person behind the word “Daddy”. Hearing “why?” so much, repeating answers over and over again and thinking “Enough! I answered that already”. Yet, knowing it’s because the world is big and new and confusing and awesome.

So, i don’t pick up the phone. I am present, but at what cost? There is so much joy in being a parent, but it’s hard. It’s hard on me. It’s hard on those close to me. It’s hard to know what’s right. I would have broken relationships for what I thought was right two years ago, because it seemed so right at the time. Now, I’m left wondering if the choice I make in the moment is correct. Two years ago has left me in doubt.

There’s nothing else to do, though, because a choice has to be made. In two years, regardless of where life is, I’ll be looking back, as I am now, wondering why I stood my ground. Ground I swore was solid, but was thin ice, the cracking ignored to fight clouds?

Writing on Walls

There are many things that never made sense to me as a person when it came to kids. In a previous life I was a restaurant waiter and then manager. It was common to hear kids yell and scream. Then you would hear people complain about it. “Why take your kids out if you can’t control them?” “Can’t they find a way to shut that kid up?” “They are disturbing everyone else’s night out.” On and on.

I have a tendency to believe things that make sense to me. So, I never understood why people got mad at kids. Because, children are our future, right? Being a kid means, yelling, screaming, playing, throwing things. General destruction and mayhem. The future electrician, waiter, cab driver, inventor, starts as a yelling screaming kid.

This was always par for the course of being alive in any society and it always made me smile. In large part, because it was making other people upset. It never made sense to me.

Now, as a parent, this philosophy has carried over with me. Only, it’s my daily struggle. It’s me dealing with the social pressure of how to deal with a yelling kid. It’s not as easy to smile or laugh it off, when others are judging you. But it should be. It’s the social pressure that makes it more difficult. That’s a writing for another time.

Writing on walls, that’s the focus here. Like a screaming kid, it’s going to happen. Period. A child, will at some point, write on a wall. Why? Because they are a kid and they will do it. A child with access to a crayon, pencil, pen, marker, berries, will use that tool to turn your house into a cave painting. Later studied by future generations to better understand how we lived.

Now, it’s known that knowledge is power. When we educate ourselves, we better understand something. When we better understand something, we can deal with it in a proper manor. This is science.

Yet, I’ve seen, heard, and dealt with many a parent getting upset, or punishing their child for writing on the walls. Like the child knows not to do this. As if the child were wanting to get yelled at, or punished. It falls on the parent to act better in this situation, because you’ve had your entire life to plan for this.

It’s not going to be a surprise, at least it shouldn’t. You talk with the child, you teach them where to color and not color. And then, when they color on the wall again. You teach them again. And again. And again. You’ve had a lot of time to be aware they were going to write on the wall. There is nothing you can ever be better or more prepared for in your life. A child will write on a wall. Now. What are you going to do about it?

Yelling at kids is harmful. No question about that. A post will follow, with links, later for that topic. For now, we all know this at the gut level. We all get to a breaking point. We all feel the frustration. But yelling isn’t teaching.

In case, for some reason, you weren’t aware, your child will write on the wall. Now, you know. Now, you can be mentally prepared for it. When it happens, take a deep breath. Get down to the child’s level (never stand above) and start teaching.

Micro-Moments

A great thing about being able to stay home with my daughter are the little things that happen on a daily basis. The things I get to see and witness. I call them micro-moments.

It’s easy to get frustrated or bogged down by the daily duties of being the primary parent. There are times it takes effort to remember these moments won’t last long. That when she gets upset, or fussy that to her, there are reasons for that. It would be easy to give in to that frustration and demand she act in a certain way. To make her “be” the way I want her to be in a moment.

In these moments, when I’m clear headed and thinking better, I wonder why so many of us are the way we are. Who are suppose to be. Our parents, or guardians, or grandparents, forced an imprint on us. Don’t talk. Don’t play. Dragged out of a room for being loud. Told to not talk. I see so many of these things happening. Shaming and berating children for the crime of being a child.

I err on the side of letting her be loud. Of being able to find herself in these moments. I’m curious why these moments cause frustration, she’s a kid being a kid. It doesn’t make sense that I would want her to stop. So, I err on the side of not stopping. I don’t know if this is right, or wrong. It feels right to not stop her.

This leads to the micro-moments. Moments that remind me to stay present. To let her find herself and be herself. To allow her the freedom to play, yell, jump, and climb . She finds her voice to say fun, funny, weird, kind things. She uses her imagination to create worlds and stories. Without me directing her voice, or thoughts.

There are opportunities to sprinkle her head with stories and talking. Moments she can later use when I’m not around. I’ve made mistakes. I get tired and overwhelmed. Then she tells me Supergirl is taking a rocket back to Krypton to visit her family. I’m brought back into the present moment. I’m curious, should i tell her Krypton exploded and is no longer there? No, probably not. A micro-moment that pulls me into the present and washes away any fussiness in me.

Is this a choice or not a choice?

There are so many things that you never think about with a kid. I should rephrase that. There are so many things, i never thought about when having a kid. The amount of work that goes into a single day is staggering and it doesn’t get easier, it gets harder.

The concept of trying to do the right thing roles off my tongue all the time. Though, i often wonder what exactly that means. So, to me it means treating her like i would want to be treated. Thinking about how we force our children into a box we’ve created eludes me. You must do this. You must do that. You have to act this way. You must eat like this. How would you feel if someone was literally dragging you by the arm forcing you to do something you don’t like or want to do?

That’s what i think about when dealing with my daughter. There are times we need to make things happen, or force a certain situation. Yet, in those times we don’t, why do it? Why not make it about his or her choice. Why not let the moment of not having to do something, be there moment.

As an example, today i wanted to go to the YMCA. I told my daughter we were going to go. She said she didn’t want to. I said, well we are. Then, I thought about it. Do we really have to go? I want to go, but she doesn’t. What do i gain by forcing this situation? Do I really have to go in this moment? No. I can just play with her instead.

These moments won’t last forever. That’s a cliche, but it’s one for a reason. I can always work out. I can take a day off. Taking care of myself is important, but being there for my daughter and breathing with her for a minute is also important.

This is coming from a stay-at-home-dad that is, most days, literally with his daughter from 6am – 8pm, pretty much non-stop.

This is only one thing, in a list of things I never thought about with a kid. Chiefly among them, how much i would sacrifice to be a father. And how much I would willingly sacrifice to try and be a good father.

To tack on to this. I read how important it is to give your child choices. Wear this or that? Eat this or that? Do this or that. I have found that it is also important to know when to make something a question and a statement. I struggle with this and correct myself in front of her, but think this is very important.

As an example: When we are getting ready for school in the morning, i don’t ask, “Are you ready to brush your teeth?” This isn’t a question. I am not giving her a choice in this situation. Instead I say, “I need to go come into the bathroom, it’s time to brush your teeth.”

If i give her the option and she tells me “no”, yet i still need to accomplish this, i’m actually taking away her ability to make choices. I think this is one of those slight, but impactful and important distinctions.

A Parenting Lesson Learned:

It dawned on me while reading “Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale”, by Mo Willems. Many children’s books seem written for parents, as well as children.

In this story the child is screaming, kicking and yelling to get the father’s attention. The father continues to drag the child from the laundry, through the park to their house. The whole time the child is trying to let his/her father know that Knuffle Bunny is at the laundry. This could have been avoided if the father tried to understand exactly why the child was yelling. Instead, he pushed on, getting upset at the child and forcing him/her back to the house. All he had to do was kneel down, look the child in the eye and try to understand what was making the child upset. Instead of assuming the child was being “a child” and needed to dragged home.

After noticing this and taking the time to process and understand this, it kept coming up. The next time it stuck out was in a “Berenstain Bears” book. Mother Bear had to step in to tell Papa Bear not to lose him temper, as that wouldn’t set a good example to the cubs. Paraphrasing here: Yelling is no way to get a child to listen or understand, that will make them hurt or upset.

There it is again. A lesson for the parents, in a child’s book. These are two examples of noticing this. Once I became aware of this, it started popping up all over. When reading books to my daughter, I now pay attention to what its trying to teacher her. As well as what the story is trying to teach me.

Not every book is going to work this way, as nothing is all encompassing. Paying attention to what is being taught to the parent, has made me pay better attention to the story in general. I’m learning what it is trying to teacher her. How many of us could use a refresher in being more kind? Paying better attention to those around us? Having better manors? Listening more?

Being a parent isn’t easy. Being a person isn’t either.

Not as much as i want, but looking to change

I am way behind in writing here, but things have been hard and i have been working hard and trying to keep things together. I think writing here will help and i’m hoping to focus a little more, but man things in life add up. I really think i might be able to add something that could benefit people, just need to focus on doing that. Here’s hoping this continues to take flight.

A little about me:

I am a stay at home dad. I use to say domestic engineer. Who knows, it may come up again. I am 41.5 years old.

What qualifies me to create a site about being a father: I am one, of a 3.5 year old girl

A husband. A runner. An avid comic book reader. An avid reader of all sorts. I meditate as daily as possible for 20 minutes. Am also a plant based eater. I do not talk about this much and i definitely don’t judge others and their choices. It may come up or influence a blog post from time to time, though.

Also, it is common to see a lower case “i” regularly. Don’t judge, just except it. I thought i was going to be some sort of e.e. cummings long ago. I am not, but the lower case “i” stuck.

What inspired the starting of this site? Just wanting to create something. To get out of my own head. To get thoughts on to paper. I’ve read enough times that you should write daily. Get thoughts out. A journal seems like a great idea, but those thoughts don’t have the potential to get out into the world and writing thoughts about being a father and maybe being able to share that information. I am grateful to all those that have written online about being a parent. That shared a story when one was needed in a time of uncertainty. They helped calm a beating heart and a scared father.

Also, Kevin Smith has been saying for years, to those that listen: just start. There are no gate keepers currently. You can do a podcast (which I want to make part of this eventually). You can create a comic (which I want to do eventually). Just do it. The difference between the people currently doing it and those that are not currently doing it is they did it. Period. So, after years of dragging my feet, this is day one (well, two or three, but you get the point).

Other influences on me starting this and actually writing: Austin Kleon (http://austinkleon.com) and Scott Adams (http://blog.dilbert.com). There are many other influences, but these are three biggest ones that have been pushing my thought process for years. I can say right now that I do not always agree with Scott Adams, but the way his mind works is incredible. Just read him for the thought experiment alone.

I’m going to have to be open and honest on this site if i want people to trust me. If i want these thoughts and opinions to carry any weight. So, i’ll just put it out there right now: my wife and i disagree on much of parenting. This has been a struggle for a long time. This may or may not come into play in these posts, and at some point i may elaborate on that. However, for now it just seems enough to make not of it.

So, this site will hopefully post tips and tricks and things learned of being a father. It’s new. It’s growing and it will become something or other over time. We’ll figure it out together. I am not against posting book reviews, comic book reviews, running tips and tricks, eating thoughts and recipe shares. This is pretty much open ball for me. So, let’s get started and give it a try.

Also, my goal is to post once a week, minimum to set a standard. Though more is the goal and if this takes off with anyone, or myself, it may be more.

A title by any other name

The first thing I want to address is the title of this website. It shouldn’t come off as arrogant, although, it may say more about me than you for thinking that it may. The intention of the title is meant to express my desire to BE A BETTER FATHER. Which, is what I am always trying to do. The web address tryingtobeabetterfather.com just seemed to much. The title “a better father” came to me on a late night run. I’ve been trying to come up with something for some time now. I was hung up on a title, which kept me from starting this whole thing. Yet, a title for a website seemed like a big deal and not having a website to host a place to post things online seemed like a very big deal.

Honestly, this seems like a good title. So, good in fact, it seemed likely to be taken. There have been numerous other late night run titles created all, and versions of those all, were taken. Because, obviously, right? So, to summarize, the title is not meant to imply I think i’m a better father than anyone. I just left out the “trying to be a…” in the title. It’s catchier, shorter and gosh darn it, i like it.

So, what the point of this? This is meant to be a place to share the things I’ve learned. A place to vent, explore ideas, share thoughts. Why would I do this? What qualifies me to even speak to being a father? Well, I am one. I am a father of a 3 1/2 year old girl. I have struggled from the moment the news of her arrival was told to me. I have read a lot. Learned a lot, struggled a lot and have chosen this platform to get it out. Those that have shared online has been greatly appreciated. Returning the favor, in any small way seems like the best thing to do. Pay it forward and all that.

This whole father thing is currently 3.5 years in, which means i’ve read a lot since then and many of the things that will be shared may not be fully credited, at least at first. This is not meant to discredit those that information was gained from. All the reading, books, online, friends, family, random advice has all been mixed together. I will recommend the sites remember, the books read, the emails signed up for, but at this stage giving exact credit where credit is due may not be possible. With that said, from this point forward information will be recorded for the purposes of these writings.

The goal is to keep these short and sweet. So, I’ll cut this off here. Next to follow will be some information on me and what more to expect from this site. The goals and future plans and maybe even some of the influences.

middle of the night

I was downstairs reading comics, when a noise moved through the house. At first, it appeared to be the wind. Then after hearing it a second time, I checked at the foot of the stairs. Realizing it was my daughter, I moved quickly to her room, found her crying in the dark. Picked her up and rocked her back to sleep. There are few things worse than your child crying. There are few things better than being the arms that make it all go away. Nightmare: zero. Dad: happy to be able to be there when his daughter needed him.