There are times I don’t write a moment or thought, because it seems obvious, or “fishing”. A random memory. A sporadic thought. A comment on life. Something my daughter did, or said.
Not embracing the importance of recording random moments.
There’s a yin and yang to every moment in life. Should I or shouldn’t I? I have “lost” possible recordable moments to stay focused on the present moment. A time I wanted to write something funny my daughter said, but not pull out my phone to get it recorded. The same goes for a “deep thought” that flashes through my mind.
For all the times I haven’t recorded a moment, I’ve stayed more present in the moment. Yet, there are at least six things from yesterday that would make me, or my wife, or even you smile. There is joy that is not in the world, outside that moment, because I wanted to stay so present, others miss out. And not random people, but people that would benefit.
In my struggle to be a better parent I have become less of a husband, friend, son, brother. Something I am trying to correct, but it’s hard, because there is this little life that I am now responsible for. Big hugs from such small arms. The word “Daddy” said over and over again, to the point of frustration sometimes. Yet, knowing it’s because she trusts and loves the person behind the word “Daddy”. Hearing “why?” so much, repeating answers over and over again and thinking “Enough! I answered that already”. Yet, knowing it’s because the world is big and new and confusing and awesome.
So, i don’t pick up the phone. I am present, but at what cost? There is so much joy in being a parent, but it’s hard. It’s hard on me. It’s hard on those close to me. It’s hard to know what’s right. I would have broken relationships for what I thought was right two years ago, because it seemed so right at the time. Now, I’m left wondering if the choice I make in the moment is correct. Two years ago has left me in doubt.
There’s nothing else to do, though, because a choice has to be made. In two years, regardless of where life is, I’ll be looking back, as I am now, wondering why I stood my ground. Ground I swore was solid, but was thin ice, the cracking ignored to fight clouds?
A Better Father 