The greatest trick the Abuser ever pulled is convincing their chosen of fault.

16 years ago
I would dream
my mom
divorced my dad
when the judge asks
“who do you want to live with”
looking my dad in the eyes
“my mom”
she said

8 years ago
I wish I had never told you about
her
and raised her with my mother
instead
she said

child
you can conform

never
question
doubt
push or
ponder

another’s
non-sensical
or sensical
sense of
(truth)
reality

at times
it can be
kind
to let
pass

there is
strength in
humility

to not conform
in public
(should be)
a choice

sense of self
should never
lessen
to a point

conformity
becomes
private
reality

conform
or not?

err
in favor of
your
VOICE

If you give your child everything, they have nothing.

Here lies Luvius Thomas: He wish he had spent more time with his daughter. But there was this kind of interesting, somewhat entertaining, mostly okay video of *blank* on YouTube.

Pg 74 – Miriam says that, a lot of the time, behind the feeling “I hate this” are other feelings. Like maybe, “I’m afraid of this” is hiding behind “I hate this.” And maybe hiding behind “I’m afraid of this” is “I don’t know what’ going to happen next” or “I don’t know if I can do this.” There are lots of feelings behind feelings.

Pg 114 – She said, “It might be scary to think your mom has been crying.” “But then i would be scared. Not mad.” She waited. I waited. Then she said, “Remember how sometimes one feeling is behind another feeling?” I shrugged. She waited. “So angry is behind afraid?” I said. “Or maybe angry is in front of afraid. The angry kind of takes over.”

Pg 153 – I almost told her about my bedroom windows at Mom’s, about “utta moon,” and how sometimes my life feels like room with two windows and two moons. The I did tell her, even though I knew she might think it was weird. Happiness makes me feel brave. “Two moons,” she said. “ That’s cool. It’s almost like-“ She stopped. “Like what?” “Don’t laugh, but it kind of sounds like a secret power. The girls who can see two moons.”

P 183 – Miriam says that sometimes, when we don’t want to “look hard at our behavior,” we look hard at everything else instead.

P 191 – Miriam said, “There are times when it’s right to be angry, Bea. And there are times when we use anger as a kind of protection from feeling hurt. It’s a way of covering up.”

P 209 – “Because of the people. The other trip leaders, and the campers who came with us. They were always changing. If you think about it, Bea, life is like a trip. A very long one. And what matters most it’s he people you travel with.”

Went through a lot with someone i was convinced was my person. They were not. But all the work i’ve done since them, the next person i spend my time with is getting an upgrade.

From: I Always Think It’s Forever by Timothy Goodman

Somewhere, some when my voice became stuck.  A failure to launch.  It rests between never and hardly.  Inside my mind, rarely set free.  Saying things no one should hear.  Sounds that echo and reverberate inside my skull.  Words that escape are hollow, cracked, languid often stunted by tears.

I say this in wonder if my voice were set free, finding open, external sound, if the noise in my head would calm down?  I am aware.  The happy, helpful tricks all there.  The hinderance crossing that bridge leave me unable to answer the guard’s riddle.  The critic doubts.  The worrier burrows. On this side wrapped in fear, anger, sadness. The disgust plants, wondering if the voice of joy is… there.

The thought of my voice makes me feel small.

mind wanders past this moment

held clear

anything more 

beyond able

to handle

things mean more

mean nothing

a moment of growth

held dear

held near

better alone 

home 

no thinking of …

is 

or 

isn’t here

stop the tears 

before finding air

getting use to 

trying

not thinking 

getting use to 

holding 

moments

held clear

can’t think 

the world is big 

time is not

can we do this 

without

… near