Taking my daughter to her first overnight camping trip. First bump encountered. Back home. Then back out. More to come.

Tsundoku (Japanese: 積ん読) is acquiring reading materials but letting them pile up in one’s home without reading them.^[1][2][3][4] It is also used to refer to books ready for reading later when they are on a bookshelf.

The term originated in the Meiji era (1868–1912) as Japanese slang.^[5] It combines elements of tsunde-oku (積んでおく, to pile things up ready for later and leave) and dokusho (読書, reading books). As currently written, the word combines the characters for “pile up” (積) and the character for “read” (読). There are suggestions to include the word in the English language and in dictionaries like the Collins Dictionary.^[5]

The American author and bibliophile A. Edward Newton commented on a similar state in 1921.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tsundoku

A Vegan Father… justifying actions, looking for excuses.

Posted. Not Perfect.

If you ask someone what they want for their child some will say a version of, “to be happy, to be healthy, to have what they need, to find love, to have a good job…” etc.  My answer?  No clue.  That is up to her. She will choose her path.  My job is help build, provide, show her the tools she will need to navigate this world.  My wants for her have nothing to do with what she may want for herself. My mistakes with her have a negative impact only if I do not follow up on and talk about the negative emotions, or embarrassment, or pain.

Push do not shove.  Guild do not make them follow.  Stand and wait. Do not make them come.  Provide.  Do not force.  We can do more with less, only defined by someone else saying x is more and y is less.  Do not take control.  Provide the means for them to have control.

My ego is not contingent upon an 8-year-old doing what I say.  Why behave as if it does?

A Vegan Father… being an example.

Posted. Not Perfect.

At what point do we start teaching girls their exterior is not enough?  At what point does the previous generation start teaching girls they need makeup to be pretty?

I dated a girl in my twenties.  She was sweet, kind, smart.  5’7”, blonde and wore her makeup well.  Beautifully.  As a mask? To hide?  I had seen her without makeup after dating awhile.  She was stunningly beautiful without it.  She refused to go outside without makeup.  Once she agreed to go to Target without makeup on.  Walking in, we held hands as tightly as a child going on a roller coaster for the first time.

Thinking about that moment this morning, her need to wear makeup to go outside the house, turned to thoughts about my daughter.  Of people that comment how pretty she is.  They are right.  She is very pretty.  (For the record, I do not think you should tell a child such things.)  Yet, when will those people start telling her she is not enough and needs makeup?  When will society tell her she needs foundation and whatever else* to be pretty?  At what point does it go from “you are pretty” to “you’ll need *this* to be pretty”?  Why the need for “pretty” at all?

She is 8.  How much time does she have?  In a world where there is no right answer.  What happens next.  Many times, I was called ignorant about raising a child.  Are there times when ignorance can be a positive?  A tool to be harnessed?  I know nothing about makeup and its applications.  The girls I have dated, while appreciating times to get dolled up, did not need makeup, in my opinion.  There is a concern of the time when society, or people close to her, say it is time to start wearing make-up. Based on?  I do not know.

I read once kids stop coloring, drawing, creating around the age of 8.  Why?  People stop giving positive reinforcement.  They stop complimenting their art.  We  inadvertently tell our children it is time to put away “childish things”.  They take the signal and fall in line.  (That is wrong, for the record, but a conversation for another time.)  When is the time for make-up?  When will she be told she needs something more?  That, now is the time to “mask up”.

My ignorance with such things can be a tool.  A feature, not a flaw.  My daughter will never hear from me, “it is time to put on a mask”.  Except to play.  She tells stories about watching her mom putting on makeup. Somehow, we have made it a positive cliché for a daugther to stand next to a mom and put on makeup beside her.  A rite of passage. A moment in movies and magazine covers.

Many of my thoughts and ideas around parenting, by others, has been mocked and criticized.  Made fun of, while trying to be a good father.  When you have no one to talk to, you keep doing what feels right.  My daughter, she is enough.  At some point she will be told she is not.  History is littered with those that were told, at an early age, they are not enough.  The repercussions are long lasting.  They impact a child’s future as a person in the world. The best of intentions does not buffer those harmed by the implications of those not willing to upend tradition for progress. 

With that said, this was created as a question lingering in the recesses of my mind.  Then,  finding a home here.  The girl mentioned above was not pushed when she shared her fear of going out without makeup.  I tried to make her feel loved and supported enough to go out without needing it.  Never knowing why it was that way for her.  Maybe we should have spoken more about it.  Tried to understand better.  That is the lesson not learned.

That said, this may be all wrong.  There may be something missed by a straight, white male.  There may be gaps in how and why to handle situations with makeup differently.  Misogyny for one.  There may be a bigger conversation to have.  It is okay if this starts the conversation.  Please, do not judge if this is totally off base and exactly what is wrong with this moment in society.  Let us have the conversation.  It comes from a place of caring.  Even if it turns out to be misguided caring.

A Vegan Father… who looked really good in high school with makeup on during a play.

Posted. Not Perfect.

*”Whatever else” being all the makeup stuff I know nothing about.

Around the age of 12, my father took me to a water park.  He had not been properly prepared.  He was wearing jean shorts (this was the mid 80’s for context in case you couldn’t tell by the jean shorts).  This kept him from sliding down the slides.  I was embarrassed and acted like a jerk.  I do not remember all aspects of the day. The highlights linger.  It is a cloud hanging over moments of parenting today.

Four days ago, my daughter wanted to go for a bike ride.  My bike had been buried under boxes since moving in a year and half ago.  The previous weekend things were arranged to make it accessible. It was ready to be moved out and ridden. All that was needed was a tire pump (and a hope the tires were okay). I was prepared for something to be wrong with the tires.  It would be disappointing, but understandable. 

The tire pump not working was not prepared for. It was purchased last year and had worked numerous times on my daughter’s bike. Queue getting upset. Then checking it.  Then taking it apart.  Then, putting it back together.

Getting upset created 5-10 aggressive, frustrated, crappy, immature, childish forceful pumps of empty air through a broken tire pump into a bike tire going nowhere.  Queue insecurity.  Thoughts of having less.  Self-pity, why me, and brokenness pushed out with each thrust of the pump.

My daughter asked, “Do I need to leave?  Are you going to start cursing and yelling?” *Snap*.  I looked up. Immediately embarrassed and asked, “Huh?”  It was pointless.  I heard her.  Even knew why she was asking. Knew where the question had come from (not-our-house).  “Have I ever done that?”  “No”, she answered.  Her question reached in and pulled me out of the moment, “Then why would I start now?” I replied smiling. Done.  The bike ride was not going to happen.  Fear.  Embarrassment.  Being a father with jean shorts at a water park was gone.  There was more we could do.  We moved on (I moved on).

An embarrassed child.  A divorced father feeling the weight of what he saw growing up.  Change does not happen on its own.  In this case it happened in a kitchen, angry at a tire pump.  It was never about my father and his jean shorts. In that moment, a 12-year-old boy was forgiven for his behavior.  Then became a better father to his daughter.

A Vegan Father… no longer angry at a tire pump.

Posted. Not Perfect.

“What is a white lie?”  There was no way to know if or when my daughter would ask that question.  Or any similar question.  Pause.  Breath.  Buy time.  “That is a remarkably interesting question, sweetie.  I am glad you asked it.  What does ‘lie’ mean to you?”  Maybe, not perfect, but it provided breathing room.  Next step?

That question caught me off guard.  Kids will do that.  You cannot be ready for every question.  You can be prepared.  We train for jobs, to drive a car, to fly a plane, to be a barista.  Parenting?  We treat differently.  You had one.  You got this. Wrong.

We started a conversation.  The direction of the conversation was not asking what inspired the question.  Instead, we focused on the substance of the question.  An open-ended conversation.  Discussing what it means to lie.  Talking about how some people make excuses for different types of lies.  We talked about when someone would lie.  Why someone may choose to lie. Variations of lies, lying, liars, and white lies.

 No judgement. Just conversation.

As the conversation went on parental fears washed away. The question treated as if she had asked “Why is the sky blue?”  The fear of potentially making my daughter feel badly or guilty for asking this type of question, let go. 

It ended as it started.  Open.  It ended letting her know she could revisit the topic any time.  Any question.  Any time.

In parenting there is no right.  There is wrong.  Right is subjective.  Less black and white.  Less easily identified, taught, or shown.  It is not instinct (though some of that sometimes helps).  It is not found in Chapter 2 of a book (though, that can also help).  It is okay to admit “I don’t know” and share what thoughts you do have. It will humanize you to your child. It will create a more realistic view of the world they live in.

The next night at bedtime she said, “I want to talk like we did last night.”

A Vegan Father…learning when and how to talk.

Posted. Not Perfect.

When a man kisses his child, said Epictetus, he should whisper to himself, “To-morrow perchance thou wilt die.”—But those are words of bad omen.—”No word is a word of bad omen,” said Epictetus, “which expresses any work of nature; or if it is so, it is also a word of bad omen to speak of the ears of corn being reaped” (Epictetus, iii. 24, 88).

We dare not speak of, think of, speculate, or pontificate upon death.  For most, death is fear.  Ignored as if it will never come.  Therefore, unprepared when it does. We travel through this world not scared, but ignorant.  If we dare to think of our children dying, we are horrible. 

Through Ryan Holiday’s books, newsletters, courses, and his two podcasts the idea of putting your kid to sleep and saying, “you could die tonight” was introduced..  It was just as upsetting then as it is now.  Yet, it’s intended impact is felt.  The idea of how to “handle this moment” (fill in “moment” with your choosing), is seen through a more patient, waited (and weighted) lens.  Those words are not a bedtime ritual.  It does float around from time to time.

Epictetus’ thought above started to get redirected listening to Shannon Lee’s book “Be Water, My Friend”.  “A book about the teachings and philosophies of her father, Bruce Lee. 

It is true a child may not see the morning light.  That is a weight for the parent to carry.  What weight does a child carry if their parent is not here tomorrow? We can leave a child with nothing but random pieces of our lives.  Well lived, or otherwise.  We can leave them with an empty pit or a legacy.  Bruce Lee died 30 years ago.  Whatever transpired the past 30 years means nothing to him.  There is nothing to care. 

Yet, his daughter has lived the last 30 years without a father.  Those years matter to her.  He left her writings, views, thoughts, teachings, quotes, philosophies and more.  A legacy for her to read, learn from, and think upon.  Thoughts and images to pour over.  People influenced by what he left behind.

That is what I think about when putting my daughter to bed.  If I die tonight, what does she have of me?  It is not ego that inspires the question.  It comes from the heart, for her. From wanting her to have something to hold onto, to guide her, to give her pause. 

It is because of this there is a podcast for her to listen to.  She can hear real time thoughts on the struggles and joys of raising her.  She can listen to better understand her father’s views and motivations.  She has hours to listen to or fast forward through.  She has pages of this blog to read.  If she were to pick up a book I read, she would find highlights, underlined passages and notes in the margins and back of the book.  There is a world created for her to learn from.

Epictetus’ point of “your child could die tonight” is not lost. Regardless of how a parent processes the thought, nearly every parent carries the weight of that worry with them daily.  What we miss is what if we die tonight? 

Do your best to be a good parent.  Treat them well and with respect.  Try and teach them x, y, and zed (love Canada).  Yet, what will they remember?  Of all we have said, what will stick?  What will they have of you when they are your age?  What will they pontificate on?  Writing now, if my daughter chooses to have a child, she can have these words to think about her own legacy.  If not a child, a friend, or boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or co-worker, or whomever.

Think about this next time your child goes to sleep.  What are you doing if you have downtime before going to bed?  Making them a picture?  Writing in a book you are reading?  Putting words to paper, or voice to a podcast?  Are you clicking on the TV and vegging out?  Are you drinking wine and spacing out?  Are you stewing?  Fighting with a significant other?  No judgement on any of those.  We just tend to do, without thinking about why we are doing.

Parenting does not end because they fall asleep.  In some cases, that is when the real work begins.  There is a quote paraphrased here “to live forever write a book*”.  That was heard and lost at some point.  There are breadcrumbs of highs and lows for my daughter to read and reflect upon.  The person I was.  The person I am.  The person I strive to be.  The legacy started before she was thought of, without ever knowing.

A Vegan Father… writing for a future he will not be there for.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

* The closest I found of this: Writers live forever in the hearts of their readers -aloragreenleaf Quotable Quotes!: Book II – Writers Live Forever… – Wattpad

Life.  Parenting.  Dating.  Marriage.  None of this will can be done “right”.  That is okay.  There is no “right”.  The problem is, we are told there is.  Movies, parents, books, stories, friends, family, other people’s lives seen on social media, Facebook, etc.  Our brain gets jealous.  Envious of the lives we do not have.  Instead of living the lives we do.  Knowing not to compare and only being able to compare is a foundational cluster-blank of our lives.

Awareness is key.  Humility is an answer.  Repetition is essential.  Reminding ourselves of what is real, important, in front of us and in our control.  Our lives will never look like a filtered picture.  We see those and want that joy.  Not the joy of what we have.  Everyone.  Everyone looks at someone else and wonders about that.  If only for a second.  A better car, a better marriage, a better ex (😊), a better significant other, a better job, on and on.  It sneaks in when we lose focus of what we do have.

This will never go away.  There will always be moments of weakness, doubt, lose, sadness, loneliness, the list goes on.  In those moments, our brains seek comfort.  It will seek wants, to mask, to cover, to hide, to reach, to explain why we suck.  Why we lost.  Why we are losing.  Why we do not have.  Why we are not like *blank*.

Stop.  Pause.  Be in that moment.  Give your mind time to revel in being broken.  Then ask, “What does this help?”  The answer is nothing.  Except maybe, justifying being sad, broken, miserable, etc.  Then, get up.  Look around.  Find something, anything to focus on.  Have nothing? Create something.  Your breath.  Your life.  Your brain (as much as it sometimes feels like it hates you).  A friend?  Reach out. A pencil?  Write.  A camera? Take a photo. 

In that moment, you got it right.  In that moment, you broke free of the cycle.  If you did it once, you can do it again.  And again.  And again.  It is not that there is no  “right”. It is that right is subjective.  We will never achieve “right” as it is being sold.  Let those images and ideals go.  Define your own right.  Define your life.  Define your joy.  It is not on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter.  That is your mind seeking.  Missing what is right….

A Vegan Father… finding right in a child’s voice saying “Dad”.

Posted. Not Perfect.

I am a parent that chose to quit his job and stay-at-home (SAHP) to raise his daughter.  While the other parent traveled and made a career for herself.  It is hard to look back and understand why this choice was made.  Though, in all honesty, it was made in ignorance.  I made this choice as an older father. I felt the pitfalls of youthful choice, if nothing else, had been avoided.  A lifetime spent avoiding the sins of the father and mother (each parent married three times). So, after learning about my daughter to be, this choice felt like the right choice.  It was not.

This is not that story.  Just some background for what’s next. 

Eight years ago, a choice was made to trust a person and stay home to raise our daughter.  This choice was made with zero understanding of the consequences of making that choice. In Elizabeth Warren’s book Persist she provides an eye-opening exploration of an under reported turbulence in America today.  Three concepts from her book were children, (SAHP) parents and teachers. 

The following is written with the understanding these issues overwhelmingly affect women.  The numbers show about 23% of families with children choose to have a parent stay home to raise their child.  Of that 23%, 4% are male.  This puts me in the minority of the minority for stay-at-home parents. 

It can be assumed many made this choice believing it was the right family choice, “’til death do us part.”  Blind trust and, at least on my part,(choosing to be) ignorant to the realities of the person this choice was made with.  Also, let us not forget at least 50% of marriages end.  This choice is made without a  full understanding of the ramifications of that choice for the long-term effects on the person that stays home.

From reading Elizabeth’s book some of the consequences of this choice are: being out of the job market, loss of social security, biases to the work of parenting, judgement from others, loss of time and social networking. Those are just a few.  The most surprising one was the loss of social security benefits from not paying into social security with a paycheck.  The work of waking at 5am, being alone raising, teaching, bathing, changing, reading to, working with and much more until bedtime at 7pm (for us at least), has zero… ZERO financial value in America.  In fact, it has a negative impact on the parent that invests their life and time with raising of their child.

The knowledge of the choice to be a SAHP needs to be understood before the choice is made.  Before having our daughter there was a “birthing class”.  During the divorce there was a “how to be divorced with kids’ class” (mandated by the courts).  (Yet I was told “You know nothing about parenting”, no person shall be named/mentioned, because I read books to be a better parent.)

The point? There is nothing set-up to protect the SAHP.  If two people are getting married and one has money or assets of financial value, a prenuptial agreement can be signed to protect the person’s assets.  What is available to protect the parent who sacrifices everything to raise a child(ren)? Nothing. 

For me what was given up was a job that was loved.  Raises.  Promotions.  Tenure.  Vacation time.  Social Networking.  Job networking.  Moving 3-5 hours from friends and family to a place I knew no one.  Having no social network of people to rely on, count on, nor call-on in a time of need.  All this at 38-44.  A prime career time.  Also, a more difficult time to try and reenter the job market.

That is not shared as a complaint.  It is shared as an example.  If these sacrifices are made in a good relationship with a decent significant other, then the sacrifices are stories of “what if?”. Sacrifices made for your child and your family.  If, however, those sacrifices are made in a bad relationship with a less-than-great person, or a fun mix of both (again, not me, but stories have been shared), then life, money, time, career, and more have been lost to trusting the wrong person.

The onus gets put on the SAHP to be grateful for their situation.  They feel guilty for moments of regret or wondering if this was the right choice.  The SAHP carries the weight of raising a child only to be told by society they are worthless for that choice.  If it all works out, you did a great thing.  You will be praised for raising a child.  If things do not work out “it’s your fault for making that choice.”  Do not move past Go.  Do not collect $200 (maybe even pay $20,000 or more getting out of a bad situation).

Therein is the problem.  Therein lies the issue.  Decades of SAHP’s lost to a system that views them as less.  Decades of children lost to having to work outside the house, instead of focusing on their child(ren).  At some point we stopped protecting the caregivers.  We stopped seeing their role as important.  Stop seeing it as crucial.  We stopped investing in our children, by not investing in those willing to care for them.

What Elizabeth Warren is suggesting in her book is sad.   It is sad because it is not our current reality. All she is asking is that we do not treat SAHP’s as less.  That SAHP’s get something in return for their years of service.  That is what she is saying we should do for teachers to.  We say our children matter. Then treat those that care for them as less than.

Elizabeth is trying to change decades of misogyny with laws that currently positively support men.  Yet, the fight must start somewhere. It just will not happen for a long time, if ever. So, what do we do?  Upon completing her book, I went for a run.  After a few miles, this thought, “Why is there not a prenuptial agreement for stay-at-home parents?” 

We are robbing our future for what we should be providing today.  What do you do if the system cannot be changed?  What do you do if the laws cannot be changed to work in favor of what is best and right for the minority?  Work within the system provided. 

Republicans are removing voting rights state by state.  Republicans are systematically eliminating a woman’s right to choose state by state.  Then, why can’t Democrats add laws to protect stay-at-home parents state by state?  Why can’t Democrats add protections for teachers and pay them more, state by state?  We can take their playbook and use it the same way.

I am a fan and supporter of Elizabeth Warren’s.  And first choice as a Presidential candidate.  Yet maybe she needs to take the Republicans playbook and state influencing and promoting her policies on a smaller scale.  People can, and should, take to the streets to protest losing the right to vote and the right to choose.  How do you protest paying teachers more at a state level and protect parents that choose to stay at home?  I mean you can, but how silly they would look.

A Vegan Father… Proud of his service to his country and his daughter.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

i don’t believe in love

love is an abstract concept

a chemical reaction

similar to eating large amounts of chocolate

what is believed in;

kind actions

supportive actions

acts of love

those cannot be manipulated

by large amounts of chocolate