At what point do we start teaching girls their exterior is not enough? At what point does the previous generation start teaching girls they need makeup to be pretty?
I dated a girl in my twenties. She was sweet, kind, smart. 5’7”, blonde and wore her makeup well. Beautifully. As a mask? To hide? I had seen her without makeup after dating awhile. She was stunningly beautiful without it. She refused to go outside without makeup. Once she agreed to go to Target without makeup on. Walking in, we held hands as tightly as a child going on a roller coaster for the first time.
Thinking about that moment this morning, her need to wear makeup to go outside the house, turned to thoughts about my daughter. Of people that comment how pretty she is. They are right. She is very pretty. (For the record, I do not think you should tell a child such things.) Yet, when will those people start telling her she is not enough and needs makeup? When will society tell her she needs foundation and whatever else* to be pretty? At what point does it go from “you are pretty” to “you’ll need *this* to be pretty”? Why the need for “pretty” at all?
She is 8. How much time does she have? In a world where there is no right answer. What happens next. Many times, I was called ignorant about raising a child. Are there times when ignorance can be a positive? A tool to be harnessed? I know nothing about makeup and its applications. The girls I have dated, while appreciating times to get dolled up, did not need makeup, in my opinion. There is a concern of the time when society, or people close to her, say it is time to start wearing make-up. Based on? I do not know.
I read once kids stop coloring, drawing, creating around the age of 8. Why? People stop giving positive reinforcement. They stop complimenting their art. We inadvertently tell our children it is time to put away “childish things”. They take the signal and fall in line. (That is wrong, for the record, but a conversation for another time.) When is the time for make-up? When will she be told she needs something more? That, now is the time to “mask up”.
My ignorance with such things can be a tool. A feature, not a flaw. My daughter will never hear from me, “it is time to put on a mask”. Except to play. She tells stories about watching her mom putting on makeup. Somehow, we have made it a positive cliché for a daugther to stand next to a mom and put on makeup beside her. A rite of passage. A moment in movies and magazine covers.
Many of my thoughts and ideas around parenting, by others, has been mocked and criticized. Made fun of, while trying to be a good father. When you have no one to talk to, you keep doing what feels right. My daughter, she is enough. At some point she will be told she is not. History is littered with those that were told, at an early age, they are not enough. The repercussions are long lasting. They impact a child’s future as a person in the world. The best of intentions does not buffer those harmed by the implications of those not willing to upend tradition for progress.
With that said, this was created as a question lingering in the recesses of my mind. Then, finding a home here. The girl mentioned above was not pushed when she shared her fear of going out without makeup. I tried to make her feel loved and supported enough to go out without needing it. Never knowing why it was that way for her. Maybe we should have spoken more about it. Tried to understand better. That is the lesson not learned.
That said, this may be all wrong. There may be something missed by a straight, white male. There may be gaps in how and why to handle situations with makeup differently. Misogyny for one. There may be a bigger conversation to have. It is okay if this starts the conversation. Please, do not judge if this is totally off base and exactly what is wrong with this moment in society. Let us have the conversation. It comes from a place of caring. Even if it turns out to be misguided caring.
A Vegan Father… who looked really good in high school with makeup on during a play.
Posted. Not Perfect.
*”Whatever else” being all the makeup stuff I know nothing about.
A Better Father 