Yesterday, talking with my stepdad he mentioned stopping by McDonald’s drive thru leaving Florida.  There are many problems with that, in my mind.  Personal health.  Supporting a company manipulates millions with advertising, etc.  No reason to rabbit hole on that now.  Either you understand where I am coming from and agree.  Or you do not.  Either way, the point of this post is that it is none of my business.

In the process of saying, “You better get a hotel with a nice bathroom”, a reference to what the food will do to his gut, I got out of the car and the phone disconnected from the Bluetooth headset.

Instead of going back to get the phone and call him back, I left the phone in the car.  Choosing, instead, to walk around Meijer and take a pause moment.  To breath.  To process.  To wonder.

To conclude that, it is none of my $%^%^&%^ business.  Why would one feel the need to comment on a grown man’s choice of what and where to eat?  It is none of my gosh darn business.  Get off your horse and stop.

It was happenstance the pause moment happened.  It was not observed as a pause moment initially.  The pause gave a moment to think about the “why” of what was being said.  Shaming him. Making fun of him. If the goal is to create change, is not going to work.  Getting in a dig on a guy getting food is not exactly honorable.  It is more a bullying behavior than anything.

There is a quote that has been with me for years, “you can be right, or you can be happy.”  It is pretty.  It feels good.  It sounds good.  I can be right about all the wrongs of eating at McDonalds’ but making sarcastic comments does not help anyone.  It can make people feel badly about themselves, or the person saying it, or both.

The problem with the above quote, in relation to this moment, and one of the reasons I have come to have problems with quotes recently, is life does not get broken down that easily.  When we are given the quick hit that sounds pretty, we tend to follow because it is easy.  You do not have to choose to be right or be happy.  You can be both, and neither.  You can be happy in being right. 

The purpose is not being right or being happy.  It is how we communicate that matters. It is identifying the right time to say something.  Happiness came not from being right or wrong but from shutting up.  From letting someone talk.  There was no reason to interject.  Agree or disagree, move on. 

Walking around Meijer, no podcasts no music, no conversation, was cathartic.  A random gift of getting cut off in that moment was appreciated.  I called him back and made no mention of where we had left off.  There was no reason.  Not that long ago, I would have been looking  forward to picking up where we left off.  I may have even gone back to the car to get my phone to continue  the point of how bad McDonald’s is. In that moment, my Talking was the only wrong. There was no purpose beyond conversation. 

One does not need to choose to be right or happy.  Both are subjective.  Choose both and choose neither.  It was one moment.  Be better.  If you are not.  Try again next time.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… working on being better.

Listen to A Better Father Podcast; A Better Father • A podcast on Anchor

Compartmentalizing was a learned skill at an early age.  Not the topic of today’s post, but important to know.  My daughter was picked up on Monday at 715 am.  Later that day she was telling me about how her mom’s father was talking to her about easter.  He claims to be religious. Pushing that agenda on her has been one of the issues in her short life. They were talking on messenger kids and he asked her what is the meaning of easter.  She tells him, egg hunts, dyeing eggs, etc.  All the fun stuff kids get to do.  He tells her no, it is about Jesus.

Now, one of the parenting agreement conclusions we came to was that we could each talk with our daughter about religion in an age-appropriate way.  When I made comments during this part of the negotiations, I said, since your dad brings our daughter into his basement to push religion on her; it is now okay for my father to talk with her about atheism.  She told me I was using that to manipulate the situation.  It was not.  In the past, since there was no agenda to push and out of respect for my (then) wife (who last I knew didn’t believe, but that’s another story), I would keep the conversation at bay around our daugther.  Now, that had changed.

As an atheist I have no agenda. I would talk about religion in the context of it is something other people chose to believe.  That it did not make sense to me.  There are also legitimate issues with the church (again, another time). Now, other people in her life are making it an issue. So, I am forced to talk about religion differently.

As my daugther is telling this story there is immediate frustration.  “Stop. Why would you put her in the middle like this”, I ask myself of him.  “Leave the poor girl alone.  Do not put her in that situation.”  In short, my mind goes into defense of my daugther and the position this puts her in.  Stop. Breath.  Take a moment.  How better to handle this? 

So, a question…

“Does that story make sense to you?”

“No.  If someone came back from the dead, they would be a zombie.  Zombies are not real.  They are only in books and movies.  So, that story doesn’t make sense.”

It is not a long conversation. There is no agenda . I am not selling or forcing anything.  To talk with her in an age-appropriate way, I do not feel going over all my reasons for not believing work at this time.  I drop it.  We move on.

Compartmentalized.

I will bring my daugther to school this morning.  It is her mom’s two days with her.  She will pick her up.  Sitting here in morning, knowing she will be gone for two days, the doors start to open.  That is where these thoughts come from.  The compartmentalization can open.  This can be processed.  Thought through.  Analyzed. 

My daugther does not deserve or need to be treated that way from differing sides.  She deserves respect. She deserves to form her own voice .

I try not to talk too much about things like this here.  At least not just to complain or vent.  There should be a purpose, a point, a lesson learned. 

The lesson is the pause.  Taking a moment to process. To understand she loses by being put in the middle.  It hurts me that someone, that I can do nothing about, would be that horrible to her.  It breaks my heart.  A parent is supposed to guide and teach a child.  Not push against the things being told her by a grandparent.  Something that grandparent knows her father does not agree with.

To not get caught up in another person being horrible is the lesson.  I can still guide and teach her.  In fact, the frustration of another adult actively seeking to undermine a good father, is the lesson.  You push.  I ask.  You force.  I guide.  You push. I pause.  Whatever your reasons are, she will see through you.  Whatever your reasons are.  I hope they are worth the rift you create.  You do not build a bridge; you force a river between you.  You think you are hurting me. You only hurt her.

There is no fork in the road.  There are countless paths leading to anywhere, everywhere, and nowhere.  Endless miles of twists and turns.  No one walks a path less taken.  They have all been walked by billions of people.  Each step a different person, a different reason, a different purpose, different choices.

Too much of life spent compartmentalizing.  Scared of what was.  What happened.  What went before.  Fears.  Hurt.  Anger.  Bad choices.  Bad actions.  Bad decisions.  All hidden.  Locked away.  Alone in every room, no matter how many were there.

Now, you are never alone.  Every action, choice, and decision involves another.  Every look in the mirror reflects two.

So, pause.  Wait.  Everyday a lesson learned.  Every day, better than before.

I wish it were not this way. Only one person loses.  Stay strong.  Stay brave.  Stay focused.  Guide and teach.  She will make her own choices.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… working towards better.

My daughter is upstairs working herself to sleep.   Tea is steeping and Calm consumed.  Thinking about how today there would be no blog post.

Today started early.  It also went quickly.  It was unprioritized before she woke up.  There could have been enough time to write.  Then she was awake.  Then getting her to school.  Getting home.  Doing laundry.  Taking a morning walk.  Getting laundry in the dryer.  Eating breakfast.  Getting laundry out of dryer.  Time to leave to pick up daugther.  Get home.  Start work.

Done at 3:45.  Her friends come over and ask if she can play at 3.  Still working.  Then dishes.  Then see if she wants to keep playing or go to the library.  She picks play.  They all “attack” me.  I run around.  It is fun.

Dinner.  Lots of reading to her while she eats.  She crawls into my lap.  Still reading. She paints her nails (twice).  Bedtime routine.  It is okay to let go.  Do not worry about writing tonight. 

One of the reasons this blog was started was to get the thoughts and ideas out of my head.  Get them into the universe.  Create.  Be creative.  Create an outlet.  A place for thoughts, views, ideas, concepts, reading reviews, parenting advice, whatever to go.

This day had moments of lost time.  Time that could have been spent differently.  Those were not with my daughter.  Those were well spent.  As focused as they could.  As present as they could.  As playful as they could.  As productive as they could be.

We make choices.  Everyday from the second we wake up, until the second we fall asleep.  They may not always feel like our choices to make. They may be shitty choices, or just feel that way.  They may not be the best, or they may.  You get the point.

The choices made today maximized a good, positive, fun day with my daughter.  Then, because of the muscle being built.  I am here with you now.  Writing on a blurry screen because the glasses are on the nightstand next to a hopefully sleeping child.

You can have it all.  It just depends on how you define “all”.  Unless something crazy happens, there is no castle, boat, or large bank account being left behind when the lights go out.  There is time with my daugther.  There is writing here and now, instead of turning on Netflix. 

Maybe tomorrow the definitions will change.  Maybe tomorrow the love of a lifetime trips and falls into my arms.  Maybe, there will be a need to change “having it all” and there is room in my heart to have more.  Today.  Today, I had it all.

Thank you for reading. 

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Check out my podcast, A Better Father on all your podcasting apps.

One thing lockdown taught parents was there is a lot we do not know.  Third grade math was harder for many parents than most were willing to admit… at first.  What we once knew lost to history (see previous posts on memorizing facts for test and then quickly forgetting forgetting). 

I read “In one ear and out the other” and wrote about it.  Then continued thinking about the lessons learned from the book.  This brought up the “I Am” series of books by Brad Meltzer and Christopher Eliopoulos.  The “I Am” books are Illustrated biographies of historic people.

These are marketed to children yet are perfect for all ages. Most will fail to view them that way. Why are these books marketed to children and not everyone?  The most likely culprit is a bias of illustrated books.  Illustrated books taught me to read.  They taught me a love of reading.  Illustrated books provided a foundation for understanding the benefits of words and pictures in telling a story. 

Illustrated “children’s books” read to my daugther turned out to not be only for her.  There were great lessons and morals in those stories.  Stories of perseverance and determination.  Stories of pushing forward and pushing through. Those books taught me about historical figures reading to my daughter.  Little facts about names that were known, but not much else. 

Next time  you are at the library, the bookstore, or a friend’s house, do yourself a favor a pickup a “children’s book”.  The “I Am” books are a great place to start.  You will be surprised at what you can learn.

Brad Meltzer

ChrisEliopoulos.com

In One Ear & Out the Other—<br/>Antonia Brico & Her Amazingly Musical Life — Penny Candy Books

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

A biography of Antonia Brico.  Antonia was a female born in 1902 and died in 1989.  She wanted to be a conductor of Orchestras.  It was not allowed for women to hold such positions.  Yet, that did not stop her from trying.  Every time she was told “women can’t do that” she let it go “in one ear and out the other.”

Another person most of us have never heard of.  Another female being told no. No matter how great she was at conducting.  Another person denied for being female.  Another female lost to history, for most of us. If not for a book.  If not for libraries.

The cover art is what made the book stand out. Presentation matters.  It is cute and complex.  The artist making simple choices with her lines, yet complex with details.  This is a “kids’ book” that taught an adult male about a person not widely known.  A father that wants his daughter to have better choices. A father that wants his daughter to have stories to relate to.  One day stories to tell. A father that wants his daughter to not be held back because she is not male. This book educated that father on a person that stood-up to those norms.

This book puts a person’s story in the parenting pack.  A story to tell one day when needed.  A story to inspire and encourage.  A story of someone who did not listen when she was told “no”.  Not because of her character.  Not because of her talents. Not because she was not qualified. Because men decided a female was not capable. Was not able.  And she let that all go in one ear and out the other.

Just as Antonia can inspire future generations, she was inspired by others before her.  We will never understand our impact.  Most of us are going through our day from wake-up to sleep.  Never thinking about or realizing the true ramifications of our actions. 

Think about the impact you could be or may be having on a person’s day.  Spend a day thinking, “What I do next could change this person’s life for the better.”  A kind word, a gesture like holding open a door.  This could be especially important now.  We have been disconnected for so long.  Many are still concerned about physical connection.  If you cannot touch a person physically, find a way to reach their heart or mind.

Antonia was not acting in any way other than wanting to conduct an orchestra. She was qualified to conduct but was not allowed to because of her gender.  Regardless of her skill, it meant little to the men guarding the gates.  She was not doing what she was doing to inspire others.  To get a documentary made about her (which there was), or a book written about her.  She was following her heart.  She was following her passions.  She had a focus and a passion guiding her.  Ones that allowed her to let the ignorance of man in one ear and out the other.

That was one of her many gifts to the world.  An injustice that did not stop her.  It was not meant to be a gift.  She was not trying to do anything but conduct an orchestra.  Maybe, that is lesson two.  Follow your heart.  Push against ignorance.  Do not try to take down a system for the good of all.  Try and be the one that gets through for you.  Once one gets through, another learns it is possible.  The encouragement they need to be next.

In One Ear & Out the Other—<br/>Antonia Brico & Her Amazingly Musical Life — Penny Candy Books

Diane Worthey – CHILDREN’S BOOK AUTHOR

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father navigation a non-vegan world.

I just finished reading Work by James Suzman.  414 pages.  It was a good read.  Yet, you should know the title of this book has nothing, well basically nothing, to do with what is in the book.  This is more of history of hunter-gatherers and foragers.  That then stumbles its way into the industrial revolution by smacking into the 1800’s.  Then makes a couple of weird leaps to get to the 1900’s. Then trips into the present once it remembered the subtitle was “A deep history, from the stone age to the age of robots”.

This book is interesting and written well.  There is some great information about the history of us.  Though, around page 100 it was getting confusing as to where this book was going.  Page 150 it would have been dropped if not for the book club it is being read for.  Page 199 you start to think, “okay so around page 200 we start moving into the more modern areas of work”. 

Page 201, you give up on reading this book because it is about work.  You start to enjoy a book that’s interesting and about hunger-gatherers. Also, the weird focus Mr. Suzman has on the Ju/’Hoansi Bushmen.  So much so, this could have just been called a history of the Ju/’Hoansi and left it at that.  It would have been a smaller, more focused book.

The problem is not the content, but the title.  Or visa versa.  The two just do not match up and that throws you when reading it to learn about the history of work.  If you were to pull the parts out that focused on our work for the past 75,000 plus years, you could have shortened this book by over 200 pages to focus on that.

In the end Mr. Suzman makes the argument this book was a writing on working less.  Yes?  Not the connection you would draw, I think, on having read it, but having him say it draws the point home (414 pages).  Which makes it feel like it could have been third book focused on why we should be working less.  There was a lot to unpack in this book.

I would not say do not read this book.  It was a good read, if you let go of the title and what this book is sold as.  Also, I would say, do not read it if there is something you have on your shelf you are looking forward to.  If you need something to read, this is worth your time. If you have something.  Do not bother with it.

With all that said and referencing the interesting points, there were pieces that have inspired a couple of blog or podcast points.  So, those may be seen in the future.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

It is hard to imagine much of what we were taught has been wrong.  Why? People have their own agendas.  Maybe, they were taught wrong.  Sometimes people lie.  Maybe because it will protect someone.

We are led to believe “x” is correct.  Hence, we respond with “y”.  We are taught “y” is correct, because of “x”.  We are taught to ignorance.  Taught to think, believe, and not question beyond that.  Taught to memorize “facts” that may or may not be true to pass a test. Told to not rock the boat.  Told to conform and stick to the status quo.

We are taught what is right and what is wrong based on other’s point of view.  Sometimes a collective point of view.  No one tells us what we are being taught could be wrong.  We are taught 1+1= 2.  We do not teach 1+1 could be discovered to not equal 2.  To think how 1+1 is not equal to 2.

The movie Patch Adams tells this well.  A millionaire genius walks around the psych ward getting upset at everyone. When he holds up 4 fingers and asks people how many fingers he is holding up. People say 4.  He gets mad. Repeat.  It is only when he tells Patch to look past the 4 fingers that Patch sees 8.  The guy then responds 8 is a good answer.  Not the right answer. Not the only answer.  Not THE answer.  An answer.

We like our inspirational posters, quotes and saying.  We like putting stuff into the universe and telling people to think different.  We talk of the few that made it through.  We do not really want those that think different to break through.  That is why only a few make it into the zeitgeist.  Too many outside the norm breaks the status quo. 

Those people are a mix of luck, perseverance, talent, and happenstance.  They break through. Yet just barely.  Then we say, “see, look at them!  they did it”.  Then the gate closes behind them and the next person needs to figure out a new way through.  And rarely does that happen.

That is why we do not teach 1+1 may not equal 2. Why we fail to teach critical thinking.  Fail to teach it is okay to be wrong.  Fail to teach that failing will and should happen.  It should not be a choice between right and wrong.  It should be a conversation of why we think something is right or wrong. Two opposing thoughts at the same time.  The answer can be both 4 and 8.  If you choose to see past what is in front of you. We should not be angry because what we were taught was wrong. We are broken, lost, and angry because no one told us it was possible what we were being taught could be wrong. That the person who gets 4 right, gets a better grade.  The person that sees 8 may change the world.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Today’s post was going to have a different focus.  Yet today was my daughter’s first day back for in-person learning in over a year.  She has never been in her new school.  Never seen her classmates not on Zoom.  A lot of “never’s”.  In the car waiting for drop off she said, “I can’t wait to get to school and learn”.  It was a cute, sweet moment. 

She was so excited that she set the Google Home to a 48-hour countdown.  We purchased a new outfit yesterday. She bought new nail polish and painted her nails before bed. Bath time was no issue. Brushing teeth, quick and easy.

She had trouble falling asleep last night and woke (in my opinion) to early.  All because she got to go back to school.  Then, in the last five minutes she started talking about how nervous she was.  A flood of emotions.  I walked her to the door and her teacher was waiting for her.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Love. A feeling achieved by eating large amounts of chocolate (paraphrased from a movie that cannot be remembered).  Turns out our feelings of “love” and eating large amounts of chocolate activate the same areas of the brain.

There were some… complex years as a teenager.  One time, while discussing this with a friend, the words, “I still love her, I just don’t like her very much right now” were spoken (a complex situation describing my mother).

Differentiating between love and like was an early experience.  As a child love felt overly used and thrown around (I was a weird kid).  By age 7(?) my father was with his third wife and my mother was with her second husband.  Hearing people from the various families talk felt empty, contrived, and forced.  Their words spoken absent mindedly, as if being read from a cue card.  It did not take long to smile, nod, say “ok”, tell them what they obviously wanted to hear, then move on.  A receiving line at funeral.

Love as a word can be used to manipulate, abuse, as a weapon, to hide a lie, to lie, to trick, twist, break, and bend.  Love can make a world; it can destroy a world.  Love is not about anything to do with the other person. Love is a chemical reaction in your brain.  If it is not being misused (see above).

Like is unassuming. There are no major expectations with saying it, not saying, or having said / not said it.  Like is about the person.  There is no chemical reaction in your brain about what is liked about you.  “You have a cool style”, “You have great taste in books”, “You are really kind”.  I can say, “I like your style.  I like your taste in books.  I like that you are kind.”  It’s still about the other person, not the person saying it.

Like is a connection, a bridge to the other person.  It may be a better observation if there is no connection.  “It’s cool you like books”.  No connection, just an observation.  When someone acknowledges / compliments something about a person as a “like” it can end there. It is usually followed by a good feeling in the person receiving it.  No weight.  No expectations.  Just verbalizing an observation.

That is why my daugther hears “I like you” at night before bed.  She sometimes asks, “What do you like about me?”  “You are a good person, with a kind heart.  You are fun to be around, and you have a neat personality.”  Sometimes she asks, “Do you love me?”  “Of course, I love you.  That is part of being your father.  Loving you comes easy.  Liking you is because of who you are.”

We are supposed to love, or say we love, or get pressured to love (“Tell grandma you love her”, do not get me started).  No one ever pressures us to like, or say we like someone (ok maybe, “like like”, but that is different than “like” and we all know it).

Like is more of a choice based on who a person is.  I have never felt pressured to say, “I like you”. Ironically,  it is used more sparingly.  More thoughtfully.  It is less likely to be misused, abused, or mistreated.

You liking something about someone is them.  A person will not carry the weight of a lost like.  Like is a compliment that can be held or let go. 

Which is one of the reasons I like you reading this.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Next Big Idea Club’s latest podcast was a conversation with Daniel Pink and Lisa Feldman Barrett.  Author of Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. A good conversation on Lisa’s book.  Exploring how our brains really work.  It is debunking old myths and using modern science to update what is known about how our brains work.

What stood out the most was when talking about our “lizard brains”. Something that was popularized and became a “fact” from Carl Sagan’s book The Dragon’s of Eden.  This has become the foundation for education, parents explaining kids, people explaining (excusing) lying, cheating, criminal activities, this list goes on.  It is not our fault; it is our lizard brains.  We cannot help ourselves.

Turns out to be wrong.

That is a problem with holding tight to information.  We tell these stories and they become reality.  They allow for distancing and explaining away.  They keep us from learning or investigating for truth.  It is frustrating to learn something is wrong but know it will continue to be considered fact.  It will to be taught and used as the excuse it is not.

There is a version of this post that goes into evolution of society, who we are and how we got to here.  There is also this version.  The version about the stories we tell ourselves and others.  It is great to learn the truth, but the damage is done and will continue to be done for those that “just couldn’t help themselves”.  Those acting in accordance with their lizard brains. “It’s not me, it’s the brain”.

Our excuses for bad behavior weaken.  We are responsible for our actions.  The things we say.  How we act.  We have a responsibility to ourselves and society.  We are the stories we tell.  The stories we share.  They can be excuses.  Or they can be something better.

Knowing, at least for now with the information we currently have, that we are not robots reacting to our environment with no control over our actions is beneficial.  It means we can learn better responses.  We can think before we act.  We can stop with the excuses.  We can understand why “x” stimulus causes “y” response.  Then, we can modify the response to the stimulus. This makes sense when you think about it.  We have not been creatures of stimulus – response for a long time. 

There is a much longer conversation around this topic (a whole book in fact).  Yet, the point of this is to share what was learned.  There is no way for any of us to know all the things.  We need to share, talk, spread the good we are learning.  Today’s post is that we our brains.  It is not this lizard thing in our bodies doing whatever it wants.  We evolved to work together.  There is much more to talk about with this, but we will leave it there for today.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Lisa Feldman Barrett | Neuroscientist, Psychologist, and Author

The enthralling tale of the lizard within (qarchli.github.io)