The best parenting books have nothing about parenting in their title, or sub-title. As a matter of fact, as near as I can tell, none of them were written to be parenting books. That is a bold statement to be sure. Not all the parenting books have been read. Yet, many books have been read. Especially recently.
It is good to learn to swaddle a baby. It is nice to know why they stop crying when you stand up vs rocking them. It feels like you are doing something when you squirt mom’s milk, or formula on your arm to test how hot it is (you literally shrug and hope it is an okay temperature).
Those are the things you will discover or fumble your way to and through. Other’s people’s advice may or may not help. For some reason people treat babies like they are all the same. “If you just do *blank* then the baby will respond *blank*”. If you do *blank and do not get *blank* response, you are a bad parent or you got a weird kid (not literally, but it can feel that way).
People’s advice is based on what worked for them, mixed with all the things they do not know. As if babies are not individual people the moment they come out. Mostly, other people will get in the way and not be there when you need them. In all given moments, it is you and the baby. If you focus too much on what other people say and it does not work, you get frustrated that it is not working. Not because of you or the baby, but because you were told (therefore believed in those weaker moments) it would work.
Does that help? The only thing that matters in any moment is you and the child. In that moment. It is good to have a bag of things to try. Ultimately paying attention to the child and how she or he is responding is what will work.
If there were only one topic you could read about on raising a child, it is how the brain develops. All the rest is suggestions and guessing games (which is exactly what reading about the brain is. Just a better head start). If you ever ask someone for advice or help or thoughts on raising a child and they say, “if you are asking that question, then you’ll do just fine”… kick them and run away (do not kick them but run away. Grab your kid and read them a story. Now you are going to be “just fine”. Kidding).
I have listened to multiple podcasts and audiobooks. I have read books and had discussions with friends and family about raising a child. Quit literally nothing feels better than having something you are doing reaffirmed by a mom or dad friend. The social norms, the questioning, the loneliness, the “what the suck am I doing” does not go away. A random affirmation can part clouds and bring out the sun.
Learning about how the brain develops is understanding what is happening with your child. Knowing the reason why will make all the difference. What are the chances you will get frustrated watching your child drop food on the floor once? Twice? 20 times? What is your break point? When do you say, or hear, “it’s just a game to them now”? “You need to teach to them not drop food on the floor.” “Stop that. Keep your food on your tray.”
Now, what if you knew / understood that is them learning spatial awareness? They are teaching themselves an important lesson. Maybe it gets game like, as if that is bad, but for a reason. How you interact with them in those moments. How you respond in those moments will affect their next time. And the next. How they continue to work with and interact with the world will be developed in these moments. Knowledge is power.
Here is the thing, this never ends. Our brains only stop when we stop (like dead stop). Were you prepared to learn and explore for the entirely of your life? Were you shamed for trying and wondering, because the adult ill-intentioned or not, did not understand what was happening?
The above statement is not just about a baby’s brain. It is about the brain, a brain, all brains. Learning patience and being calm will or will not be learned by your child. Are you a patient and calm person now? You could be if you wanted.
Raising a baby is not just about “taking care of them”, “or keeping them alive” (though there are days of getting from point a to point b. a= wake; b=sleep). It is about being a better person. You will never be perfect, there is no such thing. But you will learn that to.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father… learning to be better.
Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain | Lisa Feldman Barrett
Sanjay Gupta | Official Publisher Page | Simon & Schuster (simonandschuster.com)
A Better Father 