Titles are given for various reasons.  Titles are bestowed on some for one reason or another.  As we grow, we are provided the titles for those in our lives.  Those titles have definitions.  Those titles have purpose.  Those titles become engrained.  They form the foundations for how people are perceived in our lives. The titles help shape who we interact with and how we interact with them.

What gets missed, is that titles are completely made up.  Like many things we are taught or told in this world, those titles are replaceable, or easily dismissed.  We need to learn it is okay to let some things go.  Instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, because of a title. 

Mom.  Dad.  Father.  Mother.  Grandmother.  Grandma.  Grandfather.  Grandpa.  Aunt.  Uncle.  Priest.  Clerk.  Police Officer.  Mailman.  Mailwoman.  Mail person. Teacher.  Principle

Titles carry a certain amount of weight and expectation with them.  Yet, what we are told and the reality behind those titles is completely subjective.  They have weight because we are told to give them weight.  Therefore, they are given weight.

Regardless of the title someone is given it is ultimately people wearing those titles. People are flawed.  We are told to not keep “bad” people in our lives.  That if someone is doing us harm, we should cut them loose.  Yet, if that someone has a title in our lives, then we are told not to do that.  That we cannot let someone go because they are “family”.

Yet, family can be bad, messed up, broken, harmful and toxic.  Just like that “bad” friend from high school. Sometimes, we  need to get away from them before they drag us down.

This is not something easily learned.  It goes against what we are taught from birth.  How much pain and misery could be averted if we learned sooner, it was okay to break ties?  This is not about running away at the first sign of a problem, a bump, or a disagreement.  This is not about neglecting the work relationships take.  This is not about a fight at a holiday, or from a relationship that is not approved of. 

This is about toxicity.  About identifying something that is not productive or helpful in our lives.  This is about learning, that sometimes, you need to cut ties.  This is about teaching and providing permission to cut ties if the toxic in your life happens to have a title.

A Vegan Father… evaluating what is working and what is not working in is life.  Learning, it is okay to say goodbye.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

Every morning starts by writing in Neil Pasricha’s 2 Minute Morning Journal.  Every page has the same prompts.  It starts with “I Will Let Go Of…” (There is also “I am grateful for… and “I will focus on”…).  Somedays there is nothing to write.  Nothing to let go of.  Almost to an “f-you” type of comment.  Why do this if it is the same prompts everyday day?

But… think on it.  Sometimes writing, ”I have nothing to let go of today”.  Then, the next day starts the same prompt. It reminds me of the scene in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams’ character says to Matt Damion’s character “it’s not your fault” over and over.  Matt’s character starts with “I know”.  Then gets upset.  Then pushes him.  Then… Robin’s character gets through and Will cries and holds him.  That thought is when it was decided to write in the journal for as long as I can.  There are other journals to supplement the 2 Minute Journal.  But the 2 Minute Journal is the daily constant.

It has become my Robin Williams.  The repeated questions, until they break through.  Forcing the brain to be pushed in a particular way.  We should be asking ourselves the same questions everyday. It is a way of checking in to see where life is and how things have changed.  And sometimes, the answer is “not today” and that is okay.  It will be there tomorrow and the next day for when “I will let go of…” needs addressed that day.

A Vegan Father… repeating until it breaks through.

Posted. Not Perfect.

she did not choose to see

the desire

to raise our daughter

as anything more than lacking

a tree falling in the woods

heard or unheard. 

are you brave if no one is there to see?

does the question speak volumes

for the person asking?

does the question define the asker?

does the question matter

or just asking matter? 

what is the important part?

bravery comes in different  shapes

different sizes

different ways

different times

silent as can be

until is it heard

as a might yelp

your brave looks different

than mine

as it should be

Three days ago, there was an article here title, “The World To Big? Think Small”.  In that article was a refence to “asshats” in talking about right and wrong and beliefs.  The belief of what could be considered right and what could be considered wrong.  That my right is not always right and my wrong is not always wrong.  The same goes for every other person.

The irony is what comes next and the reason for the correction.  The premise of that statement was to allow breathing room for those times people can be wrong.  That was not right.  This realization came from reading “What Unites Us” by Dan Rather, Elliot Kirschner and illustrated by Tim Foley.  There are many good insights and thoughts in the book. 

However, a cord was struck when Dan talks of Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor.  Elie lost his parents and sister during the Holocaust.  He received the Nobel Pease Prize, and in his acceptance speech he said:

I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation.  We must always take sides.  Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.  Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.  Sometimes we must interfere.

“The World To Big?  Think Small” was wrongly approached when it failed to properly address those times when wrong is wrong. Period. There are times when there is no grey area. There are times and places where a scientific mindset works best.  Be prepared to learn, grow, change, modify an opinion or viewpoint.  Be ready to say ,“I was wrong”, when new evidence presents itself.  Rethinking and being open to challenges and changes to views is a great characteristic.

That does not mean to give space and respect to those that are wrong about taking away people’s rights, taking away people’s humanity, dignity, and right to exist peacefully in the U.S. and the world.

Writing that people are “asshats” and leaving it at that is to be silent.  It provides a pass to the tormentors and not stand up for the tormented.   It was written with the idea of respect to all, without the strength of word to deny the oppressors and tormentors.

There is room and a need to be flexible and respectful.  There is a time and place to make a stand.  A time to create space for debate. There is never a time to be passive about those who would hurt others because they do not like something about them.   

That is the point of today’s writing. To say I was wrong.  I will keep writing, learning, improving, growing, aiming to get a little better daily.

A Vegan Father… reading to learn and grow.  Wrong isn’t wrong, if it’s a path to better.

Posted. Not Perfect.

If high school me

had seen

the person

and

father

i would become

he would have had

more confidence

Parenting books liter books stores with opinions on everything from proven methods to get your child to sleep through the night to how to raise an emotionally resilient child. Theories and philosophies. As if all children can be summed up in 200 pages (hopefully) or less.

Is this a bad thing?  Ask that question to me from 8 years ago until yesterday.  They are still regularly consumed books.  For a reason.  Though, every parenting book should have a disclaimer on the inside cover saying, “This worked for me.  This is a share in case it helps you in any way, any way at all”.  Because no one has a clue how to raise children.  Ask any parent with more than one kid.  The second, for some reason, is always different from the first.  Why?  People cannot seem to believe what worked on the first is not working on the second child.  As if it could or should. Being they are a completely different person.

After having read a few of these books, a common through line of each is trying to be a parenting book.  That is not to take away from the information, tips and tricks provided.  They all had something that provided, at minimum, peace-of-mind.  It seems when one starts writing to a purpose that purpose get the singular focus.  Everything else gets knocked out of the way for that focus.  That does not seem like such a bad thing.  Unit the filler gets put in to make a book a book.  The need to have a book on the shelf and be called a “parenting book”.  Most parenting books should be pamphlets, or cleverly marketed hardcovers with cute pictures.

This leads to sharing three of the best parenting books read in the past 8 years.  It also serves as an argument to read outside a singular focus.  To expand your reading library and search beyond the “Parenting Section” of the bookstore.

Rupi Kaur is the author of three poetry books.  Each one as good as the previous.  Each well worth your time to read.  They spark an extra layer of insight as a father that was never female.  There is so many unknowns as a male raising a daughter.  Experiences.  Fears.  Inner struggles.  So many things to connect to on a human level, but not knowing the depths or perspective as a female existing in the world.

Rupi Kaur provides insight in words and pictures put together so well, six of her words strung together can make you cry.  Her poems talk about her parents, her childhood, getting breasts, having her period, the way men look at her and treat her.  Relationships, sex, drinking, apologies, being scared, being angry, powerful, small and more.

The purpose of her books is not to be parenting books.  They are cataloged under “Poetry”.  Yet, reading those books taught more about raising a child, especially from a female point of view, than the other parenting books combined.  That is not being hyperbolic.

Just a couple of examples from her book Milk & Honey:

Page 29 – “trying to convince myself; i am allowed; to take up space; is like writing with; my left hand; when i was born; to use my right – the idea of shrinking is hereditary“

Page 19 – every time you; tell your daughter; you yell at her; out of love; you teach her to confuse; anger with kindness; which seems like a good idea; till she grows up to; trust men who hurt her; cause they look so much; like you – to fathers with daughters

Page 53 – nothing is safer; than the sound of you; reading out loud to me – the perfect date

I do not want to have you; to fill the empty part of me; I want to be full on my own; I want to be so complete; I could light a whole city; and then; I want to have you; cause the two of; us combined; could set it; on fire

Page 95 – I didn’t leave because I stopped; loving you I left cause the; longer I stayed the less; I love myself

There is a quote attributed to various people but found online to be first said by Allen Saunders: Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans*.

That is what I’m expressing about parenting books.  Parenting knowledge and insights happen while you are reading other things.  Which is why it is important to expand what is read.  Biographies do not just tell about a person, they tell how they became that person.  You can read of the paths that lead there.  The twists and turns.  The ups and down.

That is what Rupi does particularly well.  It is her autobiography written in poetry.

A Vegan Father… reading stories to better help his daugther live hers.

Posted. Not Perfect.

rupi kaur

Books (rupikaur.com)

Life is What Happens To You While You’re Busy Making Other Plans – Quote Investigator

The younger generation says the older generation is out of touch.  The older generation thinks the younger generation is out of touch.  Neither side has a concept of understanding the other.

What needs to be understood is “out of touch” is not the issue.  “Facts” can be presented to confuse and manipulate.  What was learned yesterday is proven wrong today.  What is learned today is proven wrong tomorrow.  What is learned tomorrow will be proven wrong the day after that.  Some ideas and concepts will stick. Some will lead to new ideas.  Some will be the next big idea that leads to the next big thing.  Facts are only facts, until they are no longer facts.

I was talking with my father about an issue with my daughter’s mom.  I was frustrated about a situation.  Me: “If she’s going to do “x”, then I might as well not worry about being COVID safe and do the same thing she is.”  My father: “You do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.” Me: “Oh.  Yeah.  Darn it (only I didn’t say darn it.  I said the mother of all curse words).”

After that conversation there was some thinking on what is the “right thing.”  Justification for our actions should be considered our “6^th sense”.  No one is the villain in their own story. 

My daughter’s mom and I would argue over whether sugar was bad for our daugther.  We would argue about sleep. We would argue over this and that and that and this. Those arguments would lead to me  showing her where these “facts” came from, she would say, “You have no instincts about being a parent.”

Who was right and who was wrong?  A horrible decade and a crappy divorce later?  Our daugther lost.  Where is the right or wrong in that?

It is ego that blinds us from admitting right or wrong.  I am an atheist.  There are estimated to be over 4,000 different religions in the world (How Many Religions Are There in the World? (learnreligions.com)).  That is one reason to be atheist.  Kind of arrogant for any one person or group of people to think they are the 1 in 4,000 to get it right. That includes being atheist (but that is another conversation).

The point is we plant flags in the ground. Then we fight for our flag.  Being told that flag and that fight are wrong?  Good luck.  Millions of years of evolution will choose fighting over that flag, regardless of right or wrong.  In this world, we fail time and again to find compromise.  There are an estimated 13 million children hungry in America right now and we cannot agree on a government program to help feed them (Hunger in America | Feeding America).

Each one of us has at least one “thing” we will not back down from (I have several. Join me, won’t you?).  If all the world is wrong, then what is the point?  If everyone has at last one thing they will not back down from, that is a potential for 7.9 billion things. That is a lot of things we are all willing to fight for.  It could get messy.

This post is coming to an end. Now is the time to write  an inspiring conclusion.  A good ending would be to bring it back to the words of my father.  Yet, every time those words and that ending try to get written, this thought blocks them, “there is someone out there that thinks their ‘right thing’ is hurting someone, or hating someone, or judging someone”.  It is great to think “do the right thing, because it’s the right thing to do”, but to many think their wrong is right.  It is hard to battle cry for “right” when “right” is defined by the individual and some individuals are asshats (spell check says this word might be offense to you.  Apologies if that is the case).

So, then what?  What is next?  What is the right thing to do?  How is this post going to end if the ending planned does not work?

You.  If you are not one of the asshats, do any one positive/kind/thoughtful/empathic thing.  Do not think big.  Do not look at all the people in the world.  Instead, look at the one in front of you.  Ask your child’s teacher if there is a kid in her class that cannot afford a book.  Get him or her a couple.  Ask if she knows any kids that are not getting enough to eat. Get a gift card the teacher can give them (parents too proud, they won a contest).  Call a local principal and tell them you have 30 copies of *blank* showing up and to see that they get randomly distributed to a classroom. Take an extra minute to hold the door for someone.  Smile, if you find an opportunity.  Buy a homeless person a coffee.  Get them a blanket or some socks. 

Have you ever seen Scrooged with Bill Murray?  That ending is exactly the right advice*. 

In my heart, there is a right and a wrong.  Yet, it is not beyond me to understand my right may not always be right, or right for every situation.  The same goes for being “wrong”.  My wrong may not always be wrong.  The world is complex, frustrating, hard, and sometimes plain off its rocker (earth axis joke).  It is also beautiful, wonderful, not always so complex, and off its rocker for a scientifically sound reason (two in one paragraph.  Take that Neil deGrasse Tyson).

Everyday is another opportunity for a small, subtle, seemingly negligible impact. It is not so negligible, though. It has greater impact than you believe.  That’s your ego getting in the way.  It’s not about you.  You do not get to choose the impact someone else feels.  So, do it.

In writing this there is hope your “right thing” is a good thing. Is my dad right or wrong about what he said?  It feels good to hear and think it is. I believe what is being done is best for my daugther.  In the end, I will be able to look her in the eye and tell her that.  So… there is that.

Be good.  Be kind. Focus on the one person in front of you.  You can make a difference for them.

A Vegan Father… Understanding he may not be right.  And that sssssuuuuuccccckkkkkkssssss. No one ever said growth would be easy.

Posted. Not Perfect.

*A Christmas Miracle – Scrooged (10/10) Movie CLIP (1988) HD – YouTube

Growing up there was an expectation that adulthood worked a certain way.  There was a pattern.  Get through high school.  (Well, or not so well.)  Either way, it got better in college.  Then you graduated.  Got a job.  Found a partner.  Bought a house.  Had a kid, maybe two.  Do all that, die with a loving family surrounding you. 

In school we were taught math.  Learned a broken, biased, misconstrued history. We were taught “fun” stories that were either completely made up or skirted the truth. We were told to be successful we needed to learn these “facts”.  Regurgitate them on a test. Forget them.  Move on. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

We were lied to about Santa Claus, The Tooth fairy, and The Easter Bunny. Then, we were made to repeat this lie.  As if keeping kids from the truth was better for them.  Teaching us we cannot enjoy something unless it comes wrapped in a lie. 

When I was 8, I learned Santa was a lie.  “Santa’s gifts” were hidden in the back of my parents closest.  I hid there playing hide-and-seek with my friends.  Christmas morning, there were those gifts.  The jig was up.  You lied about this, what else is not true?  This started a lying spree on my part.  You lie.  I lie.  Game on.

When talking with my daughter, it is not with lies.  It is with truth.  No matter how much that truth can suck at times.  It is geared towards her age, of course, but still the truth.  Only two lies have ever been told to her. Both times are remembered like they were told yesterday.  Both times because of an outside influence.  The holiday lies were a compromise with her mom. I never wanted to lie to her about those.  It was not worth the argument.

Maybe, kind of sadly, that is a humble brag. 

It means a lot to me that she understands there is no pattern.  There are no expectations for her from her dad.  Outside of be kind, treat people well, and do not be a jerk.  The rest is just luck, chance, situational and happenstance.  There is a part of me that is not over the falsehood of expectations.   Sit-coms, other families, no one pointing out what is or is not true or real.  False expectations, based on ad revenue, and perpetuating other people’s views of the world.

There you go, that is it.  The Perfect Gift. To not lie.  To set proper expectations for her future and the world.  To talk through, explain, and help her understand. To provide the tools to better navigate the world she lives in and will grow into.  She would not trust me if I lied.  That seems obvious, but obviously it must be said.  There would be a break in our relationship if she ever learned something told to her was not true.  The two times I lied, were later admitted to, apologized for, and explained.

Being a parent is not easy.  Being an anything is not easy.  Do not attempt to make it easier by misrepresenting to your kid(s).  Kids deserve the truth.  They can be trusted with it. One day, they may even thank you for it.

A Vegan Father… writing daily today to better tomorrow.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A friend and I were talking Saturday.  She was talking about regret.  Regret around time not spent with a grandma that had passed. And how she should have spent more time with her. Instead of going to the movies, or doing x or y or z.

Of course, I had a few thoughts to share on this subject. 

Let us start with not believing in regrets.  Just not my thing.  Regrets were once a thing. Not anymore.  Life happens.  That is not meant in a deep philosophical way.  It is literally a statement of fact.  Life does happen.  Period.  End of story.

Regrets go hand in hand with living in the past. Of thinking there is a chance to control the future.  Because we did things like go to the movies, instead of visiting grandma. The regret was time was lost time not spent with someone.

Years ago, we were at a movie, my mom, sisters, and our grandma.  Grandma wanted to sit up front.  My mom said to sit with her.  Which would have sucked. Though, not that much in retrospect.  I said, “I really don’t want to”. She did not push the issue.  There were years of regret in that choice.  It was kind of shitty.  It  would have been one movie of many to come and less than 2 hours of my life. 

Many times, over years, were given to regretting that choice.  Feeling like a jerk.  It could have been a character defining moment. That feeling of regret is no longer.  To understand the regret/no regret thing, let us look a little dig deeper.  On the surface, it seems like a jerk-kid being a jerk. 

First, it was the choice of child.  Second, she was a grandma who was not emotionally close.  Third, after proper reflection (for literally decades) there were people that I would have sat with up front.  People that had meant more to me.  People who had invested in us (remember, child here). 

It was not a defining moment of character (though it would have people seeing it as a character defining moment.  You know, had it been).  It reflected a relationship that was not there.  One of an adult who did not invest in her grandchild. One that showed a divide between a mother and daugther (which was absolutely nothing to do with me as a child.  And not my story to tell).  There was no reason to carry that.  So, it was let go.

You do not have to have regrets to look back and better understand a situation, a motivation, a moment, or a reason “why”. Regret means you do not like something of your life today.  Your station in life is not good. So, label and blame.  Look at past relationships, choices, motivations, reasonings.  Then point and say, “regret”.  That is why today looks the way it does. 

What happens if tomorrow looks better?  Does that mean yesterday’s regrets go away?  Thinking of past choices as “regrets” changes moment to moment based on your today.  Through that lens, it seems to make little sense to invest in regrets at all.

When looking at the past ten years, there are many opportunities to label choices as regrets.  Soooooo, many regrets.  Yet, there are no regrets about my daugther. No regrets getting to have six years of raising her.  No regrets directed at an absent “other person”.  The “other person” who provided the opportunity to raise my daugther for six years.

Did part of the past ten years suck?  Abso-fing-lutely.  Yet, to regret any of that would be to take away from what I had with my daugther.

Do parts of today suck?  Abso-fing-lutely.  Are there possible regrets of yesterday, or today? Abso-fing-lutely?  Different choices. Better ways to handle situations.  Provide more thoughtful reactions.  Regret is anger and frustration.  A desire to change what was, or what happened in the past. Regret does not lead to growth, or change for a better today, or an opportunity to have a better context for tomorrow.

Do not regret.  Do not learn to live with regret.  Regret, to me, is one of those words where another culture, with a different language, does not have a word for “regret”.  An English word that cannot be translated.  No differentiation.  On this island, of which I currently reside, regret does not exist in the vocabulary.

Regret is an excuse to not move forward and moving forward is all I have.  Mistakes, poor choices, indifferent options. It can be learned from, processed, reflected on, put through a blender.  Thoughts about and used to make a better choice next time.  Regret stops and leaves us beholden to the past.

Let us not regret. Let us use past moments to help influence better choices today.  If those past choices help  create a better today, that is not a regret. That is a “thank you”.

A Vegan Father… Thanking yesterday’s mistake for a better choice today.

Posted. Not Perfect.