a tree falling in the woods
heard or unheard.
are you brave if no one is there to see?
does the question speak volumes
for the person asking?
does the question define the asker?
does the question matter
or just asking matter?
what is the important part?
bravery comes in different shapes
different sizes
different ways
different times
silent as can be
until is it heard
as a might yelp
your brave looks different
than mine
as it should be
Three days ago, there was an article here title, “The World To Big? Think Small”. In that article was a refence to “asshats” in talking about right and wrong and beliefs. The belief of what could be considered right and what could be considered wrong. That my right is not always right and my wrong is not always wrong. The same goes for every other person.
The irony is what comes next and the reason for the correction. The premise of that statement was to allow breathing room for those times people can be wrong. That was not right. This realization came from reading “What Unites Us” by Dan Rather, Elliot Kirschner and illustrated by Tim Foley. There are many good insights and thoughts in the book.
However, a cord was struck when Dan talks of Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor. Elie lost his parents and sister during the Holocaust. He received the Nobel Pease Prize, and in his acceptance speech he said:
I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.
“The World To Big? Think Small” was wrongly approached when it failed to properly address those times when wrong is wrong. Period. There are times when there is no grey area. There are times and places where a scientific mindset works best. Be prepared to learn, grow, change, modify an opinion or viewpoint. Be ready to say ,“I was wrong”, when new evidence presents itself. Rethinking and being open to challenges and changes to views is a great characteristic.
That does not mean to give space and respect to those that are wrong about taking away people’s rights, taking away people’s humanity, dignity, and right to exist peacefully in the U.S. and the world.
Writing that people are “asshats” and leaving it at that is to be silent. It provides a pass to the tormentors and not stand up for the tormented. It was written with the idea of respect to all, without the strength of word to deny the oppressors and tormentors.
There is room and a need to be flexible and respectful. There is a time and place to make a stand. A time to create space for debate. There is never a time to be passive about those who would hurt others because they do not like something about them.
That is the point of today’s writing. To say I was wrong. I will keep writing, learning, improving, growing, aiming to get a little better daily.
A Vegan Father… reading to learn and grow. Wrong isn’t wrong, if it’s a path to better.
Posted. Not Perfect.
If high school me
had seen
the person
and
father
i would become
he would have had
more confidence
Parenting books liter books stores with opinions on everything from proven methods to get your child to sleep through the night to how to raise an emotionally resilient child. Theories and philosophies. As if all children can be summed up in 200 pages (hopefully) or less.
Is this a bad thing? Ask that question to me from 8 years ago until yesterday. They are still regularly consumed books. For a reason. Though, every parenting book should have a disclaimer on the inside cover saying, “This worked for me. This is a share in case it helps you in any way, any way at all”. Because no one has a clue how to raise children. Ask any parent with more than one kid. The second, for some reason, is always different from the first. Why? People cannot seem to believe what worked on the first is not working on the second child. As if it could or should. Being they are a completely different person.
After having read a few of these books, a common through line of each is trying to be a parenting book. That is not to take away from the information, tips and tricks provided. They all had something that provided, at minimum, peace-of-mind. It seems when one starts writing to a purpose that purpose get the singular focus. Everything else gets knocked out of the way for that focus. That does not seem like such a bad thing. Unit the filler gets put in to make a book a book. The need to have a book on the shelf and be called a “parenting book”. Most parenting books should be pamphlets, or cleverly marketed hardcovers with cute pictures.
This leads to sharing three of the best parenting books read in the past 8 years. It also serves as an argument to read outside a singular focus. To expand your reading library and search beyond the “Parenting Section” of the bookstore.
Rupi Kaur is the author of three poetry books. Each one as good as the previous. Each well worth your time to read. They spark an extra layer of insight as a father that was never female. There is so many unknowns as a male raising a daughter. Experiences. Fears. Inner struggles. So many things to connect to on a human level, but not knowing the depths or perspective as a female existing in the world.
Rupi Kaur provides insight in words and pictures put together so well, six of her words strung together can make you cry. Her poems talk about her parents, her childhood, getting breasts, having her period, the way men look at her and treat her. Relationships, sex, drinking, apologies, being scared, being angry, powerful, small and more.
The purpose of her books is not to be parenting books. They are cataloged under “Poetry”. Yet, reading those books taught more about raising a child, especially from a female point of view, than the other parenting books combined. That is not being hyperbolic.
Just a couple of examples from her book Milk & Honey:
Page 29 – “trying to convince myself; i am allowed; to take up space; is like writing with; my left hand; when i was born; to use my right – the idea of shrinking is hereditary“
Page 19 – every time you; tell your daughter; you yell at her; out of love; you teach her to confuse; anger with kindness; which seems like a good idea; till she grows up to; trust men who hurt her; cause they look so much; like you – to fathers with daughters
Page 53 – nothing is safer; than the sound of you; reading out loud to me – the perfect date
I do not want to have you; to fill the empty part of me; I want to be full on my own; I want to be so complete; I could light a whole city; and then; I want to have you; cause the two of; us combined; could set it; on fire
Page 95 – I didn’t leave because I stopped; loving you I left cause the; longer I stayed the less; I love myself
There is a quote attributed to various people but found online to be first said by Allen Saunders: Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans*.
That is what I’m expressing about parenting books. Parenting knowledge and insights happen while you are reading other things. Which is why it is important to expand what is read. Biographies do not just tell about a person, they tell how they became that person. You can read of the paths that lead there. The twists and turns. The ups and down.
That is what Rupi does particularly well. It is her autobiography written in poetry.
A Vegan Father… reading stories to better help his daugther live hers.
Posted. Not Perfect.
Life is What Happens To You While You’re Busy Making Other Plans – Quote Investigator
The younger generation says the older generation is out of touch. The older generation thinks the younger generation is out of touch. Neither side has a concept of understanding the other.
What needs to be understood is “out of touch” is not the issue. “Facts” can be presented to confuse and manipulate. What was learned yesterday is proven wrong today. What is learned today is proven wrong tomorrow. What is learned tomorrow will be proven wrong the day after that. Some ideas and concepts will stick. Some will lead to new ideas. Some will be the next big idea that leads to the next big thing. Facts are only facts, until they are no longer facts.
I was talking with my father about an issue with my daughter’s mom. I was frustrated about a situation. Me: “If she’s going to do “x”, then I might as well not worry about being COVID safe and do the same thing she is.” My father: “You do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.” Me: “Oh. Yeah. Darn it (only I didn’t say darn it. I said the mother of all curse words).”
After that conversation there was some thinking on what is the “right thing.” Justification for our actions should be considered our “6th sense”. No one is the villain in their own story.
My daughter’s mom and I would argue over whether sugar was bad for our daugther. We would argue about sleep. We would argue over this and that and that and this. Those arguments would lead to me showing her where these “facts” came from, she would say, “You have no instincts about being a parent.”
Who was right and who was wrong? A horrible decade and a crappy divorce later? Our daugther lost. Where is the right or wrong in that?
It is ego that blinds us from admitting right or wrong. I am an atheist. There are estimated to be over 4,000 different religions in the world (How Many Religions Are There in the World? (learnreligions.com)). That is one reason to be atheist. Kind of arrogant for any one person or group of people to think they are the 1 in 4,000 to get it right. That includes being atheist (but that is another conversation).
The point is we plant flags in the ground. Then we fight for our flag. Being told that flag and that fight are wrong? Good luck. Millions of years of evolution will choose fighting over that flag, regardless of right or wrong. In this world, we fail time and again to find compromise. There are an estimated 13 million children hungry in America right now and we cannot agree on a government program to help feed them (Hunger in America | Feeding America).
Each one of us has at least one “thing” we will not back down from (I have several. Join me, won’t you?). If all the world is wrong, then what is the point? If everyone has at last one thing they will not back down from, that is a potential for 7.9 billion things. That is a lot of things we are all willing to fight for. It could get messy.
This post is coming to an end. Now is the time to write an inspiring conclusion. A good ending would be to bring it back to the words of my father. Yet, every time those words and that ending try to get written, this thought blocks them, “there is someone out there that thinks their ‘right thing’ is hurting someone, or hating someone, or judging someone”. It is great to think “do the right thing, because it’s the right thing to do”, but to many think their wrong is right. It is hard to battle cry for “right” when “right” is defined by the individual and some individuals are asshats (spell check says this word might be offense to you. Apologies if that is the case).
So, then what? What is next? What is the right thing to do? How is this post going to end if the ending planned does not work?
You. If you are not one of the asshats, do any one positive/kind/thoughtful/empathic thing. Do not think big. Do not look at all the people in the world. Instead, look at the one in front of you. Ask your child’s teacher if there is a kid in her class that cannot afford a book. Get him or her a couple. Ask if she knows any kids that are not getting enough to eat. Get a gift card the teacher can give them (parents too proud, they won a contest). Call a local principal and tell them you have 30 copies of *blank* showing up and to see that they get randomly distributed to a classroom. Take an extra minute to hold the door for someone. Smile, if you find an opportunity. Buy a homeless person a coffee. Get them a blanket or some socks.
Have you ever seen Scrooged with Bill Murray? That ending is exactly the right advice*.
In my heart, there is a right and a wrong. Yet, it is not beyond me to understand my right may not always be right, or right for every situation. The same goes for being “wrong”. My wrong may not always be wrong. The world is complex, frustrating, hard, and sometimes plain off its rocker (earth axis joke). It is also beautiful, wonderful, not always so complex, and off its rocker for a scientifically sound reason (two in one paragraph. Take that Neil deGrasse Tyson).
Everyday is another opportunity for a small, subtle, seemingly negligible impact. It is not so negligible, though. It has greater impact than you believe. That’s your ego getting in the way. It’s not about you. You do not get to choose the impact someone else feels. So, do it.
In writing this there is hope your “right thing” is a good thing. Is my dad right or wrong about what he said? It feels good to hear and think it is. I believe what is being done is best for my daugther. In the end, I will be able to look her in the eye and tell her that. So… there is that.
Be good. Be kind. Focus on the one person in front of you. You can make a difference for them.
A Vegan Father… Understanding he may not be right. And that sssssuuuuuccccckkkkkkssssss. No one ever said growth would be easy.
Posted. Not Perfect.
*A Christmas Miracle – Scrooged (10/10) Movie CLIP (1988) HD – YouTube
Growing up there was an expectation that adulthood worked a certain way. There was a pattern. Get through high school. (Well, or not so well.) Either way, it got better in college. Then you graduated. Got a job. Found a partner. Bought a house. Had a kid, maybe two. Do all that, die with a loving family surrounding you.
In school we were taught math. Learned a broken, biased, misconstrued history. We were taught “fun” stories that were either completely made up or skirted the truth. We were told to be successful we needed to learn these “facts”. Regurgitate them on a test. Forget them. Move on. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
We were lied to about Santa Claus, The Tooth fairy, and The Easter Bunny. Then, we were made to repeat this lie. As if keeping kids from the truth was better for them. Teaching us we cannot enjoy something unless it comes wrapped in a lie.
When I was 8, I learned Santa was a lie. “Santa’s gifts” were hidden in the back of my parents closest. I hid there playing hide-and-seek with my friends. Christmas morning, there were those gifts. The jig was up. You lied about this, what else is not true? This started a lying spree on my part. You lie. I lie. Game on.
When talking with my daughter, it is not with lies. It is with truth. No matter how much that truth can suck at times. It is geared towards her age, of course, but still the truth. Only two lies have ever been told to her. Both times are remembered like they were told yesterday. Both times because of an outside influence. The holiday lies were a compromise with her mom. I never wanted to lie to her about those. It was not worth the argument.
Maybe, kind of sadly, that is a humble brag.
It means a lot to me that she understands there is no pattern. There are no expectations for her from her dad. Outside of be kind, treat people well, and do not be a jerk. The rest is just luck, chance, situational and happenstance. There is a part of me that is not over the falsehood of expectations. Sit-coms, other families, no one pointing out what is or is not true or real. False expectations, based on ad revenue, and perpetuating other people’s views of the world.
There you go, that is it. The Perfect Gift. To not lie. To set proper expectations for her future and the world. To talk through, explain, and help her understand. To provide the tools to better navigate the world she lives in and will grow into. She would not trust me if I lied. That seems obvious, but obviously it must be said. There would be a break in our relationship if she ever learned something told to her was not true. The two times I lied, were later admitted to, apologized for, and explained.
Being a parent is not easy. Being an anything is not easy. Do not attempt to make it easier by misrepresenting to your kid(s). Kids deserve the truth. They can be trusted with it. One day, they may even thank you for it.
A Vegan Father… writing daily today to better tomorrow.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A friend and I were talking Saturday. She was talking about regret. Regret around time not spent with a grandma that had passed. And how she should have spent more time with her. Instead of going to the movies, or doing x or y or z.
Of course, I had a few thoughts to share on this subject.
Let us start with not believing in regrets. Just not my thing. Regrets were once a thing. Not anymore. Life happens. That is not meant in a deep philosophical way. It is literally a statement of fact. Life does happen. Period. End of story.
Regrets go hand in hand with living in the past. Of thinking there is a chance to control the future. Because we did things like go to the movies, instead of visiting grandma. The regret was time was lost time not spent with someone.
Years ago, we were at a movie, my mom, sisters, and our grandma. Grandma wanted to sit up front. My mom said to sit with her. Which would have sucked. Though, not that much in retrospect. I said, “I really don’t want to”. She did not push the issue. There were years of regret in that choice. It was kind of shitty. It would have been one movie of many to come and less than 2 hours of my life.
Many times, over years, were given to regretting that choice. Feeling like a jerk. It could have been a character defining moment. That feeling of regret is no longer. To understand the regret/no regret thing, let us look a little dig deeper. On the surface, it seems like a jerk-kid being a jerk.
First, it was the choice of child. Second, she was a grandma who was not emotionally close. Third, after proper reflection (for literally decades) there were people that I would have sat with up front. People that had meant more to me. People who had invested in us (remember, child here).
It was not a defining moment of character (though it would have people seeing it as a character defining moment. You know, had it been). It reflected a relationship that was not there. One of an adult who did not invest in her grandchild. One that showed a divide between a mother and daugther (which was absolutely nothing to do with me as a child. And not my story to tell). There was no reason to carry that. So, it was let go.
You do not have to have regrets to look back and better understand a situation, a motivation, a moment, or a reason “why”. Regret means you do not like something of your life today. Your station in life is not good. So, label and blame. Look at past relationships, choices, motivations, reasonings. Then point and say, “regret”. That is why today looks the way it does.
What happens if tomorrow looks better? Does that mean yesterday’s regrets go away? Thinking of past choices as “regrets” changes moment to moment based on your today. Through that lens, it seems to make little sense to invest in regrets at all.
When looking at the past ten years, there are many opportunities to label choices as regrets. Soooooo, many regrets. Yet, there are no regrets about my daugther. No regrets getting to have six years of raising her. No regrets directed at an absent “other person”. The “other person” who provided the opportunity to raise my daugther for six years.
Did part of the past ten years suck? Abso-fing-lutely. Yet, to regret any of that would be to take away from what I had with my daugther.
Do parts of today suck? Abso-fing-lutely. Are there possible regrets of yesterday, or today? Abso-fing-lutely? Different choices. Better ways to handle situations. Provide more thoughtful reactions. Regret is anger and frustration. A desire to change what was, or what happened in the past. Regret does not lead to growth, or change for a better today, or an opportunity to have a better context for tomorrow.
Do not regret. Do not learn to live with regret. Regret, to me, is one of those words where another culture, with a different language, does not have a word for “regret”. An English word that cannot be translated. No differentiation. On this island, of which I currently reside, regret does not exist in the vocabulary.
Regret is an excuse to not move forward and moving forward is all I have. Mistakes, poor choices, indifferent options. It can be learned from, processed, reflected on, put through a blender. Thoughts about and used to make a better choice next time. Regret stops and leaves us beholden to the past.
Let us not regret. Let us use past moments to help influence better choices today. If those past choices help create a better today, that is not a regret. That is a “thank you”.
A Vegan Father… Thanking yesterday’s mistake for a better choice today.
Posted. Not Perfect.
It can be hard to know if your parenting is sinking in. If what you are teaching matters. Lost words to a distracted mind? Why say it again if the words go nowhere? Why repeat yourself over and over? You only get frustrated. Agitated. It puts more on you. You are raising them. You give them a roof over their head. Food. Books. On and on. Why the extra work only to be ignored?
Why do it over and over and over again? Because they are hearing you. No matter how much it may seem they are not. Over and over and over again. No matter their reaction, they are paying attention. That is why is it important to continue to not lose patience. Restating your words, saying them again and again and again.
You will never know the time when your words embedded themselves.
My daugther was picked up from school on Friday. As we were driving home, she said, “I want to go to the library when you get off work today.”
“Okay, we can go when I get off work if you want. I only say that incase you are playing with your friends and change your mind about going. Then, we will go another day.” A normal buffer added into nearly every conversation. Words to come back to if plans goes astray.
Pause.
Her: “I like when you do that.”
Me: “Do what?”
Her: “Give me the choice like that. You understand that I may want to keep playing with my friends later, when I said earlier, I wanted to go to the library. I like that.”
I ramble and stumble through a thank you. Over explaining. Over taxing her comment.
A book read a while ago that said to build confidence by giving your child choices. Two simple options. Options that end in a desired outcome. Do you want to wear your blue pants or pink pants? Either way, he or she will be in pants. They are given a choice. Then choose. Even if it is, on the surface, only an illusion of choice (I will not rabbit hole on this, it just serves as an example here).
It does matter. Nearly seven years of giving choices. Giving a way out. Providing autonomy over her life. Our children are too young and fragile to take it. We must guide them to building that muscle. Over. And over. And over again. And it is hard. It is so much easier to say, “Just get in the car.” “If you didn’t fight “x” we would be there by now”. On and on.
Them having their shortcomings told to them. Having to navigate adults. The world. Without the strength to fight back, talk back, express themselves. We are the ones who provide it to them. We are the ones who need to stay vigilant in teaching them.
Because one day, unexpectedly, we will be dealing with life. Having our shortcomings told to us. Navigating adults. The world. Wondering how we are doing as parents. They will give us the gift of letting us know, “I like when you do that.”
Be good. Be kind. Be patient. Be what your child, every child, needs as an example.
A Vegan Father… repeating himself. Over. And over. And over again. Watching for the moments when she says, “I got it”.
Post. Not Perfect.
People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy. – Seneca, On the Shortness of Life, 3.1
I recently purchased a pair of used Samsung Galaxy Buds Pro from Best Buy. They were okay, but not worth keeping. Also, the money isn’t really there to have them. Still, there was a struggle to return them. More stuff. Another thing to have and not need. Another failed purchase, losing $120.
It may seem silly, but there was an internal debate over returning them. A struggle to justify something neither needed nor wanted. My Achilles heel. Thinking. Hoping. Wanting a thing to fill a hole to make me whole.
Things on eBay. A box full of DVD’s. More comics than one would care count. A clearance purchase here. A sale item there. We all have our blind spots. We all have struggles, justifications, and excuses for doing “x”.
It may seem silly, but the books, the podcasts, the journaling, the writing, the podcasting, it is all to be better. It allowed me to make the return yesterday. Judge me if you would like. It is warranted on a level or two.
All is an accumulation of things. All is time spent, not time used. All is to get more things (and boy do I love things). All is “whoever has the most when they die wins”. I would swim in debt to fill the hole with things and stuff. Masking the pain, hurt, and insecurities. A broken person looking in the mirror not seeing enough. Not seeing anything but lacking and thinking “more”.
For too long we mocked and joked about self-improvement. Looking at others and judging. Then going home unsatisfied and hurting. Jokes about being “good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me”. If we do not speak up, we will never find complete(d). Time, experience, and statics tell us what was is not working. What we teach. What we mirror. What we model. Are not the right things to teach, mirror, and model.
Change All. Changing All is your choice, your focus, your desires, your wants. My All is not your All. Though we can learn from one another. We can share with each other. We can talk about what we are thinking, feeling, needing, wanting. We can teach being vulnerable. We can be the mirror. We can model the behaviors we want to see in the world. We can debate right and wrong. We can discuss how to be better citizens. We can, but we need to admit what is, is not working.
My All? Less stuff. Patience with my daugther, others, and life. Writing. Blogging. Reading. Kindness. A car that works well enough to pick up my daugther and take her where she needs to go. A couple of good friends to talk to. A roof over our heads to stay warm. Being a good mirror to the world. Being a good teacher to those around me. Being a good model for all the above.
Those are the focus. Those are the “if I died tomorrow”, I would leave a good foundation for which my daughter to build.
A work in progress. Broken. Failed, faulted, struggling, imperfect, a little lost in the world. Yet, most days I have it All. With that, happiness is not out of reach. Happiness is not a struggle. Not an unattainable concept. Not a foreign concept. Or an “if only”.
There is a change to defining All. From a change in focus to what matters most. What is important, what truly brings joy. No doubt, most days are still a struggle for one reason or another, yet there is an anchor in All that makes those struggles less of a strangle.
A Vegan Father… believing in having it All.
Posted. Not Perfect.
Today’s post is based on the link below. Look at it before or after. It works either way.
How dumb they all look. How silly. How distracted. How lost in the world as they stand in it. How unaware of what is happening around them. What do they think they shall find? What mysteries are hidden in that little screen? Will it change their lives? Will is bring them peace, comfort, and joy? Will they find what they have been seeking? Somewhere. Somehow, in that little screen?
All the while I am right here waiting to be noticed. To be seen. To be explored. I wonder if they know what is lost by not looking up. What is more glorious than color changing leaves? Sunrises? Sunsets? Oceans? And tress? The universe has so much to entertain them. To give them mysteries to solve. Valleys, hills, mountains to explore. Prompts all around to create stories, myths, legends galore. So much existing. So much wanting to be seen and heard.
Seek to understand me. But their necks do not bed. Make it easier. But their necks do not bend. I start to worry something is wrong. Why won’t they look up? Is there anything I can do to help?
Desperate for attention. More tornados. Cold. Then hot. Then colder. Then hotter. All in the span of days. “Look up!”, I scream. Fear in my voice. Shouts louder than before. Ice caps melt. Glaciers break. Entire species gone. Land destroyed. Fires rage. Their looking down only gets worse.
I am weary. Having tried so hard. Tears fall, seeing humanity near its end. Wondering what could have been done differently. “Everything you ever needed was right here for you”. So much. So much provided. More than what they would ever need.
Even when you hurt me. I did not raise my hand or voice to punish you. You were young and new. You knew no better. You would learn. I would give you time to grow and flourish. It seems our time is coming to an end.
Now, after millions of years, you are broken. Was there anything I could have done? Was there any way to help?
Regardless. I can see. It is too late. You can no longer look up to the wonders and see my hand reaching…
Earth to Humanity.
A Vegan Father… looking up.
Posted. Not perfect.
A Better Father 