Growing up there was an expectation that adulthood worked a certain way. There was a pattern. Get through high school. (Well, or not so well.) Either way, it got better in college. Then you graduated. Got a job. Found a partner. Bought a house. Had a kid, maybe two. Do all that, die with a loving family surrounding you.
In school we were taught math. Learned a broken, biased, misconstrued history. We were taught “fun” stories that were either completely made up or skirted the truth. We were told to be successful we needed to learn these “facts”. Regurgitate them on a test. Forget them. Move on. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
We were lied to about Santa Claus, The Tooth fairy, and The Easter Bunny. Then, we were made to repeat this lie. As if keeping kids from the truth was better for them. Teaching us we cannot enjoy something unless it comes wrapped in a lie.
When I was 8, I learned Santa was a lie. “Santa’s gifts” were hidden in the back of my parents closest. I hid there playing hide-and-seek with my friends. Christmas morning, there were those gifts. The jig was up. You lied about this, what else is not true? This started a lying spree on my part. You lie. I lie. Game on.
When talking with my daughter, it is not with lies. It is with truth. No matter how much that truth can suck at times. It is geared towards her age, of course, but still the truth. Only two lies have ever been told to her. Both times are remembered like they were told yesterday. Both times because of an outside influence. The holiday lies were a compromise with her mom. I never wanted to lie to her about those. It was not worth the argument.
Maybe, kind of sadly, that is a humble brag.
It means a lot to me that she understands there is no pattern. There are no expectations for her from her dad. Outside of be kind, treat people well, and do not be a jerk. The rest is just luck, chance, situational and happenstance. There is a part of me that is not over the falsehood of expectations. Sit-coms, other families, no one pointing out what is or is not true or real. False expectations, based on ad revenue, and perpetuating other people’s views of the world.
There you go, that is it. The Perfect Gift. To not lie. To set proper expectations for her future and the world. To talk through, explain, and help her understand. To provide the tools to better navigate the world she lives in and will grow into. She would not trust me if I lied. That seems obvious, but obviously it must be said. There would be a break in our relationship if she ever learned something told to her was not true. The two times I lied, were later admitted to, apologized for, and explained.
Being a parent is not easy. Being an anything is not easy. Do not attempt to make it easier by misrepresenting to your kid(s). Kids deserve the truth. They can be trusted with it. One day, they may even thank you for it.
A Vegan Father… writing daily today to better tomorrow.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Better Father 