Childhood memories are more about stories told than stories remembered. This idea created a curiosity of why? Is this normal? At what age does a child start to formulate remembered thoughts? Not just emotions and feelings. Which starts another conversation of what is a memory? Is it being able to create a physical thought of remembrance? Is it feelings and emotions related to a particular event, or point in time? Is it both? Neither?
This always made me feel dumb. Creating an idea that intelligence was based on a singular point at which memories formulated. A story told that became a lens through which the formation of story became the story of me.
We live in a world of labels. Labels that help to identify, create order, recognition, of a cohesive society. Labels also help to divide, create chaos, descent, and fracture. Both of which can happen to the whole, or individual.
We claim to not want to be pigeonholed. Labeled or defined. Yet, our independence and individuality are based around global labels, “American”, “Patriotic”, “Republican”, “Liberal”, “Mother”, “Father” on and on. Limitless labels used to define our individually selves.
The more micro one goes the more individual labels are met with shame and guilt. A weapon to humiliate and differentiate. The very thing we claim to want, yet fail to achieve. Fail to validate positively.
A childhood taunt: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Only to discover the physical wounds would typically heal. The words, planted themselves like a dark garden maturing slowly. Only days, months, years, decades later to discover words do in fact hurt. Piercing, burrowing words. Physical can leave a mark. A mark can be noticed. A child can be punished for leaving a mark. Without a mark? Without the wounded flesh to show? The hurt isn’t seen as so.
Whether words spoken by others or ourselves. The story gets told. The story gets repeated. For a child it is not up to them to create, tell or write their story. Their story is told by, defined by, created by those bigger than them. They learn what we teach. They learn by what we display. They learn by what we show them. Children learn by what we tell them. Either through words or actions.
At some point, we get to be in charge of our own story. The when will be different for everyone. We grown, mature, and reach understandings at differing points. Yet, whenever that time is for you, whenever the idea of the story mattering becomes something you understand to have impact. Then, you can start to change the story.
This isn’t a “The Secret” moment. It takes words and actions. Nothing comes from just sitting around thinking happy thoughts. But forward momentum doesn’t come from sitting around thinking the story and actions don’t matter.
A Better Father 