There is an effort to not let the first six years of my daughter become bitter, hurtful, hateful memories with the person who identifies as my daughter’s mom (how’s that for a twist on words layer with issues).
Yet, there is the undeniable reality those times exist. Those years happened. The way she acted and treated me (and us) were real. There are flashes of moments that seep in and come to the surface at random times. The difference between the not so distance past and today is how those flashes are processed and handled. The unfortunate reality is many of the parenting choices and decisions made are in direct contrast to the experiences with my daughter’s mom and her family.
While reading “How to Live, 27 conflicting answers and one weird conclusion” by Derek Sivers, one of those memories came to the surface. It was a time we were in Wisconsin for my daughter’s mom’s brother’s graduation. A thing I like to do is to try new vegan restaurants in whatever town is visited. It used to be coffee shops (and sometimes still is), but since going vegan it’s about finding a new vegan experience.
Well, the dad, of course, wanted to celebrate by taking his son out for a celebratory lunch after graduation. Without going down a rabbit hole, their lifestyle and health choice are in direct contrast to mine and the choices I make for my daughter.
Instead of respecting this and understanding I’m trying to do what’s best for our health, my daughter’s mom started to berate me, saying I was being selfish. That I was embarrassing her and her dad was trying to do something nice, etc. etc.
This, of course, started and argument and verbal fisticuffs. I had said nothing about the choices they were making. I said nothing about the lunch. I was just not going to eat food I don’t eat. And after lunch wanted to go to a vegan place to get me food. Not saying a thing about my daughter or not wanting her to eat food I felt wasn’t good for her.
The point of this story is not to make it a bitter story. It’s to take moments like that to help my daugther be kind and understanding. To teach her to be in a place in her life to meet people where they are. To be understanding. To be compassionate. To have empathy for others.
Most importantly, for me, is for her to know she will never have to win her father’s approval. There in lies the lesson and point. My daugther will never look at a person she is with and feel she needs to protect herself from judgment or put her friend or significant other in a negative space to achieve her father’s respect. She will never feel a pressure to prove anything to her father. She will understand that her father understands. That he is kind and flexible and opening and respectful.
It is memories like this where the lesson is to find a compromise and understanding and respect for the people my daugther will one day bring into our lives.
As the distance grows from the horrible situation I was in for nearly a decade to today, the better the view of what was and the lessons that can be gleamed from it. The better to understand what I don’t want and will not put my daugther through. It does hurt that these are the lessons I take from that time. Yet, they can be bitter memories that cause pain, or they can be lessons learned to be a better father.
A Better Father 