I’ve had, for lack of a better term, a mantra for some time now. It’s about choices. We make the choices in our lives for the end result we get. Everything we say and do is a choice that gives us the outcome we are currently in.
An example would be, I’ve always wanted to write a blog and start a podcast. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself and thinking. Yet, the choices I make say that is not true. I don’t not want a blog and podcast. Why? Because I would rather watch a movie, veg out in front of the TV, read a comic, or a book, go for a run. I made the choice to NOT write a blog or start a podcast. I was unwilling to get up early enough to write a blog or make a podcast. I would rather run 10 miles, then run 5 and come home to write. All choices made.
It happens in our personal lives, work, friendships, health. I want to eat better, but “fast food” is so good. I’ve read about how bad cheese is, I want to give it up, but it tastes so good. I hear sugar is bad for you, but I need my ice cream or candy bar, or whatever. So, you don’t want to eat better. You choose to eat things that are bad for you, saying you want to improve your health. You don’t want to improve your health, you want to say you want to improve your health.
This is where I am as a father. I said I wanted to be a good father. This was the choice made. So, blogs and books read, podcasts and audiobooks listened to. Information given, or thought to be true, questioned and researched. It wasn’t enough to say “I want to be a good father”, a conscience choice made to be a better father, than a better *blank*.
What has been given up? It’s hard to say, because so many of those things weren’t that great. This isn’t a “being a parent is the best thing in the world and everything else sucks” comment. Being a parent is great, but it’s hard and sacrifices are / were real. It’s all a choices, though. The choice to read to my daughter, instead of play on my phone. The knowledge of when it’s important to give your child your full attention. Also, to know when you can push boundaries that allow her to grow, but not feel unimportant. That you should get down to her level, not look down on her. I have even picked her up and held her above me when talking, or put her on a chair that makes her taller. A choice that allows her to feel that empowerment.
A choice to watch less TV, to be more present. A choice to eat better, because your kid will eat what you eat. A choice to stand my ground with family about things they don’t agree with.
There are times waking up thinking, “How did I get here”. A wife. A child. A house. A stay-at-home-dad. Not “working” in the traditional sense. It was all choices. Choices made inch by inch. A choice made this night, that lead to a choice that night, that lead to a choice here, then there. Now here. It helps sometimes, when feeling overwhelmed to think about the choices made. That when it seems like things are happening to me, it was a set of choices, made by me, that brought me here. The world isn’t happening to me. I am make the world happen. It might not always feel that way, but they are my choices. Whether 20 years ago, or five minutes ago, are all creating the person we are right now through choices made.
The weight of that feels even more when you consider a child affected by your choices. How we choose to react helps to form the person they are and will become. Do we yell? Spank? How do we raise our voice? What tone are we using? What message are we conveying? What message do we want to convey? We are making choices every minute of everyday that will impact your child. They look to you to make sense of and understand the world.
Yesterday, there was a moment of this impact with my daughter. She was talking about a dress she asked her mom to make for her little monkey. Monkey is sometimes a girl and sometimes a boy. She understands that she is a girl and dad is a boy and mom is a girl. Yet, there is gender fluidity when it comes to her stuffed animals. I have always tried to allow that to be. It’s okay if monkey is a boy and wears a dress. It’s also okay if monkey is wearing a dress, because monkey is a girl. A choice to not force one identity or another.
I also refer to her as a person, not a girl, in certain situations. If she does something nice, I say, “You are such a kind person”. An attempt to avoid saying, “kid”, or “child”, and keep it gender neutral. In the hopes she understands she can be whomever she wants. Also, in an attempt to keep from associating male or female with overly good or bad qualities.
Okay, this is getting in deeper and longer than planned. Yet, I made the choice to wake up early and write this and start working on a podcast. Now, this has long to long and the choice was made to maybe not getting started on the podcast today. We’ll see.
*As an asterisk to this, people do have choices put on them. Things get out of people’s control. Some people have real issues that keep them from making the choice they want. I acknowledge this and am not trying to say things are not put on us, or hard. I’ve had and continue to live with some of these very things. This isn’t a you caused “x” to happened because you did “y” in situations we genuinely can’t control. This was more reflective of daily choices. So, yes, someone may be not eating healthy for a variety of reasons that are out of their control. This is meant to address the daily things we can control, if we are lucky enough to be in a position to do so.
A Better Father 