Life.  Parenting.  Dating.  Marriage.  None of this will can be done “right”.  That is okay.  There is no “right”.  The problem is, we are told there is.  Movies, parents, books, stories, friends, family, other people’s lives seen on social media, Facebook, etc.  Our brain gets jealous.  Envious of the lives we do not have.  Instead of living the lives we do.  Knowing not to compare and only being able to compare is a foundational cluster-blank of our lives.

Awareness is key.  Humility is an answer.  Repetition is essential.  Reminding ourselves of what is real, important, in front of us and in our control.  Our lives will never look like a filtered picture.  We see those and want that joy.  Not the joy of what we have.  Everyone.  Everyone looks at someone else and wonders about that.  If only for a second.  A better car, a better marriage, a better ex (😊), a better significant other, a better job, on and on.  It sneaks in when we lose focus of what we do have.

This will never go away.  There will always be moments of weakness, doubt, lose, sadness, loneliness, the list goes on.  In those moments, our brains seek comfort.  It will seek wants, to mask, to cover, to hide, to reach, to explain why we suck.  Why we lost.  Why we are losing.  Why we do not have.  Why we are not like *blank*.

Stop.  Pause.  Be in that moment.  Give your mind time to revel in being broken.  Then ask, “What does this help?”  The answer is nothing.  Except maybe, justifying being sad, broken, miserable, etc.  Then, get up.  Look around.  Find something, anything to focus on.  Have nothing? Create something.  Your breath.  Your life.  Your brain (as much as it sometimes feels like it hates you).  A friend?  Reach out. A pencil?  Write.  A camera? Take a photo. 

In that moment, you got it right.  In that moment, you broke free of the cycle.  If you did it once, you can do it again.  And again.  And again.  It is not that there is no  “right”. It is that right is subjective.  We will never achieve “right” as it is being sold.  Let those images and ideals go.  Define your own right.  Define your life.  Define your joy.  It is not on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter.  That is your mind seeking.  Missing what is right….

A Vegan Father… finding right in a child’s voice saying “Dad”.

Posted. Not Perfect.

I am a parent that chose to quit his job and stay-at-home (SAHP) to raise his daughter.  While the other parent traveled and made a career for herself.  It is hard to look back and understand why this choice was made.  Though, in all honesty, it was made in ignorance.  I made this choice as an older father. I felt the pitfalls of youthful choice, if nothing else, had been avoided.  A lifetime spent avoiding the sins of the father and mother (each parent married three times). So, after learning about my daughter to be, this choice felt like the right choice.  It was not.

This is not that story.  Just some background for what’s next. 

Eight years ago, a choice was made to trust a person and stay home to raise our daughter.  This choice was made with zero understanding of the consequences of making that choice. In Elizabeth Warren’s book Persist she provides an eye-opening exploration of an under reported turbulence in America today.  Three concepts from her book were children, (SAHP) parents and teachers. 

The following is written with the understanding these issues overwhelmingly affect women.  The numbers show about 23% of families with children choose to have a parent stay home to raise their child.  Of that 23%, 4% are male.  This puts me in the minority of the minority for stay-at-home parents. 

It can be assumed many made this choice believing it was the right family choice, “’til death do us part.”  Blind trust and, at least on my part,(choosing to be) ignorant to the realities of the person this choice was made with.  Also, let us not forget at least 50% of marriages end.  This choice is made without a  full understanding of the ramifications of that choice for the long-term effects on the person that stays home.

From reading Elizabeth’s book some of the consequences of this choice are: being out of the job market, loss of social security, biases to the work of parenting, judgement from others, loss of time and social networking. Those are just a few.  The most surprising one was the loss of social security benefits from not paying into social security with a paycheck.  The work of waking at 5am, being alone raising, teaching, bathing, changing, reading to, working with and much more until bedtime at 7pm (for us at least), has zero… ZERO financial value in America.  In fact, it has a negative impact on the parent that invests their life and time with raising of their child.

The knowledge of the choice to be a SAHP needs to be understood before the choice is made.  Before having our daughter there was a “birthing class”.  During the divorce there was a “how to be divorced with kids’ class” (mandated by the courts).  (Yet I was told “You know nothing about parenting”, no person shall be named/mentioned, because I read books to be a better parent.)

The point? There is nothing set-up to protect the SAHP.  If two people are getting married and one has money or assets of financial value, a prenuptial agreement can be signed to protect the person’s assets.  What is available to protect the parent who sacrifices everything to raise a child(ren)? Nothing. 

For me what was given up was a job that was loved.  Raises.  Promotions.  Tenure.  Vacation time.  Social Networking.  Job networking.  Moving 3-5 hours from friends and family to a place I knew no one.  Having no social network of people to rely on, count on, nor call-on in a time of need.  All this at 38-44.  A prime career time.  Also, a more difficult time to try and reenter the job market.

That is not shared as a complaint.  It is shared as an example.  If these sacrifices are made in a good relationship with a decent significant other, then the sacrifices are stories of “what if?”. Sacrifices made for your child and your family.  If, however, those sacrifices are made in a bad relationship with a less-than-great person, or a fun mix of both (again, not me, but stories have been shared), then life, money, time, career, and more have been lost to trusting the wrong person.

The onus gets put on the SAHP to be grateful for their situation.  They feel guilty for moments of regret or wondering if this was the right choice.  The SAHP carries the weight of raising a child only to be told by society they are worthless for that choice.  If it all works out, you did a great thing.  You will be praised for raising a child.  If things do not work out “it’s your fault for making that choice.”  Do not move past Go.  Do not collect $200 (maybe even pay $20,000 or more getting out of a bad situation).

Therein is the problem.  Therein lies the issue.  Decades of SAHP’s lost to a system that views them as less.  Decades of children lost to having to work outside the house, instead of focusing on their child(ren).  At some point we stopped protecting the caregivers.  We stopped seeing their role as important.  Stop seeing it as crucial.  We stopped investing in our children, by not investing in those willing to care for them.

What Elizabeth Warren is suggesting in her book is sad.   It is sad because it is not our current reality. All she is asking is that we do not treat SAHP’s as less.  That SAHP’s get something in return for their years of service.  That is what she is saying we should do for teachers to.  We say our children matter. Then treat those that care for them as less than.

Elizabeth is trying to change decades of misogyny with laws that currently positively support men.  Yet, the fight must start somewhere. It just will not happen for a long time, if ever. So, what do we do?  Upon completing her book, I went for a run.  After a few miles, this thought, “Why is there not a prenuptial agreement for stay-at-home parents?” 

We are robbing our future for what we should be providing today.  What do you do if the system cannot be changed?  What do you do if the laws cannot be changed to work in favor of what is best and right for the minority?  Work within the system provided. 

Republicans are removing voting rights state by state.  Republicans are systematically eliminating a woman’s right to choose state by state.  Then, why can’t Democrats add laws to protect stay-at-home parents state by state?  Why can’t Democrats add protections for teachers and pay them more, state by state?  We can take their playbook and use it the same way.

I am a fan and supporter of Elizabeth Warren’s.  And first choice as a Presidential candidate.  Yet maybe she needs to take the Republicans playbook and state influencing and promoting her policies on a smaller scale.  People can, and should, take to the streets to protest losing the right to vote and the right to choose.  How do you protest paying teachers more at a state level and protect parents that choose to stay at home?  I mean you can, but how silly they would look.

A Vegan Father… Proud of his service to his country and his daughter.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

i don’t believe in love

love is an abstract concept

a chemical reaction

similar to eating large amounts of chocolate

what is believed in;

kind actions

supportive actions

acts of love

those cannot be manipulated

by large amounts of chocolate

It is about how we view things.  It is about how we perceive things. It is about how we enter a situation.  It is about the internal dialogue created.  Good or bad.  You choose.

How dare you?  How could you?  What is wrong with you?  The hurt questions come out. One after the other.  The walls and defenses are up. Metaphorical fists at the ready.  Then.  Nothing.

Alone and hurt.  Alone and scared.  Alone.  Looking at this new world created by another.

Stop.

There is a choice in front of  you.  One where you are in control.  One where you accept your role and responsibility.  One where you come to understand this is life.  Not good.  Not bad.  Just life.

Life is like waves.  Big waves.  Small waves.  Violent waves.  Calm waves.  Destructive waves. Waves of life and growth.

Waves are not looking to harm.  They are not looking to bring life and growth.  They just are.  It is no more reasonable for us to get upset at the circumstances of life, than it is for a fish to be upset at waves for washing it ashore.

We attribute human characteristics to things to make sense of them.  To better understand them.  We are here or not.  We care. Things do not.

“So, life, what do you have for me next?”

“Nothing.”

“Then this is it.  It’s done?”

“If you choose.”

“If I choose?  Look at what you’ve done to me!”

“If you say so.”

“So, you accept no responsibility?”

“So, you accept no responsibility?”

This post started last night because the conclusion was determined there will be no more buying comic books.  All but six comic book preorders were deleted.  Most of those were for my daughter.  (Find a situation where she will not get more books.  You cannot.)  There was a reflexive moment of sadness, pity, hurt, anger.  Of blame.  Of choice.  A choice to focus on what matters.

I did not lose anything these past ten years (well, kind of, but that is another post).  There was a gained perspective.  A choice to learn from this and focus on what matters.  To look at the path and life being created pre-daugther.  To honestly look in the mirror and say, “I like this version better.”

So, what is my reasoning?  To be a better father.  To be a better person.  To be a better example.

A Vegan Father… accepting responsibility for this life.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

with all your might

a splash so big

a smile to match

before you go

remembered so

No one ever said parenting would be easy.  In fact, what we tend to hear is how difficult parenting is.  “The hardest job you will ever love”.  Whatever that means.  Yet, as a parent trying to be a better father there is a lifetime of lessons to be unlearned.  Lessons wrongly learned, misinformed, misconstrued, the list goes on.  There is also the stigma of how society views the desire to be a good parent.  Lip service.  Not action.

That is why podcasts like The Daily Dad and Scott Galloway’s No Malice; books like Searching for Bobby Fischer and Teaching to Transgress; and emails like Parenting.com, the list goes on for each area, are subscribed to.  Each one being ingested in hopes of tips and tricks to better navigate parenting.  A little something that sticks.  A word of wisdom.  A parenting thought that makes being a better father a little easier.

A filter has developed where things get passed through the desire to be a better father.  The current book being read is “Spark” by Claudia Kalb.  The subtitle:  How Genius Ignites, From Child Prodigies to Late Bloomers.  This is for me and for my daughter.  The common thread so far with child prodigies has been active, involved parents. 

It feels as if concepts like helicopter parenting, bulldozing parenting, anything to do with active parenting, is being used as a derogatory term from previous generations.  Generations past that are now being called to task for their lack of parenting. It has become shaming to try and be a good parent.  Can helicopter parenting and bulldoze parenting be taken too far?  Maybe.  But if you are going to err, maybe erring on the side of being overly attentive is an adjustment for kids (now parents) having been given a key to the house and taught to use the microwave and told “good luck” from age 3.

Taking in books, podcasts, newsletters, etc. random thoughts occur about what may have been missed in my childhood.  Reading “Spark” has created a rabbit hole of thoughts around what I wish were different for my childhood.  Not in an ego way. In a self-improvement, what can be taught to my daughter kind of way.

A thought that stood out from reading “Spark” was a wish to have been taught to say, “I am wrong” and be okay with failure. Concepts that were not given attention.  Dictionary.com defines parenting as: [ˈperənt]; VERB; parenting (present participle) – be or act as a mother or father to (someone).”the warmth and attention that are the hallmarks of good parenting”; synonyms: bring up · be the parent of · look after · take care of · rear · raise · nurture

Reading through the Google search to define parent and parenting brings up similar, but differently worded versions of “to parent” and “parenting”.  None of them define parenting using the word “Teacher”.  Which seems to be the main job of a parent.  As a parent our job is to teach to: love, be loved, know what is safe, what can cause harm.  How to crawl, walk, run.  How to add and subtract.  How to fail and pick themselves back up.  Then to fall back down.  How to read and ride a bike. 

Maybe parents “helicopter parent” because they were never taught to teach. So, they are learning.  Helicoptering being a direct result of the fear of having fallen and had no one there to teach us it is okay to fall.  Then how to get back up.  We would rather catch, then watch fall.  Previous generations desire to shame today’s parenting is the definition of narcissism (Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s idealized self-image and attributes. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Narcissism or pathological self-absorption was first identified as a disorder in 1898 by Havelock Ellis and featured in subsequent psychological models, e.g., in Freud’s On Narcissism. The American Psychiatric Association has listed the classification narcissistic personality disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders since 1968, drawing on the historical concept of megalomania).  Their way was right, so our way must be wrong.

Learning to say, “I was wrong” and to be okay with failure does not typically just happen.  For most of us it must be learned.  It is learned by someone taking the time to teach and be an example.  It takes failing, looking at the child and saying, “That was okay.  Now, let us try again.”  As pop culture as it is, Yoda was wrong.  There is no do or do not.  There is only trying. Then trying again. 

Bruce Lee never wanted to be called “Master”, because once at the top there is only one way to go… down.  His idea was to stay forever the student.  To always be teaching and learning.  Never the master.  Something he learned from philosophy and teachers.  Something that can be taught and shared with my daugther.  Now, a choice you can make to share with you and yours.

A Vegan Father… a person who learned to be oaky with failure.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

The past year has been an exploration of purpose, understanding and growth.  From that came the conclusion our brains are shite.  Complex.  Amazing.  Not fully understood… shite.  This is not the brain’s fault.  

The human brain evolved to protect us.  It taught us fear. To be weary. To find danger around every corner.  It taught us to be skeptical.  Those that ventured outside the cave were brave explores.  Those that stayed inside the cave did not get eaten.

While our brains are complex, amazing, biological mysteries, its purpose is basic. Keep us alive and protected.  Unfortunately, in the modern world, basic can be manipulated.  Manipulated to benefit others for personal gain.  Thousands of years ago our brains evolved to a world it could not predict nor prepare for.

An understandable attitude would be feeling defeated at how easily we (our brains) are manipulated.  What power does an individual have against billions of dollars and multi-international corporations using Ivy League graduates to get us to click “like” or scroll another minute?  We are helpless bags of mush.  Controlled by a brain that wants to be stimulated, liked, and most importantly feel safe.

Once this revelation came to be understood, the resolution to the problem became possible.  The resolution: Instead of letting company “x” manipulate our brains for gain, we manipulate our brains for gain. This can be done without turning to artificial stimulation (drugs, alcohol, porn, sadness, etc). The solution: physical reminders of how shite our brains are.

First, admit our brains are shite.  At least in the context of the modern world.  They do not serve us well.  They can though.  Like many things worth doing, it takes time and effort.  Hence, the reading, the podcasts, conversations, writing etc.  

Second, decide what your desired outcome/result is, not for the long-term. Today.  Right now. With life, job, love, whatever.

For example, “I don’t want to buy things I don’t need”.  “I don’t want to get upset at my daugther for being a kid and making kid mistakes”.  “I don’t want to be angry.”  “I want to be a good citizen.”  “I want to be kind to others.”  Pick your desired outcome or focus.

Third, pick a prompt.  A good one from Marcus Aurelius , “Is this essential?”  It has worked in multiple ways, on multiple occasions over the past few of weeks. The tricky part?  How to make sure our chosen prompt is accessible and available when needed.  If it is not there to draw upon when needed, then it is too late, mush brain loses to marketing, advertising, sadness, pick your poison.

I recently wrote about quotes and not liking them.  They can be “good”, inspirational, fun, entertaining, whatever.  Ultimately, they are a dopamine hit that does nothing more than give a dopamine hit.  There are too many.  They come and go like the morning dew.

That is why it is important for less.  Find something that helps you focus.  One that will be there when you need it.  Something you can tattoo on your body.  A note to tape on your credit card, so you see it every time you pull it out to use it.  A popup reminder on your phone that says, “Is this essential?” every half hour.

The modern world can work for us.  We can use tools they created to manipulate us to manipulate ourselves.  We also must use their words.  Which can suck.  No one wants to think they are being controlled.  That they are doing something outside of the choice they are making.  That is for you to come to terms with.  Realize it.  Admit it.  Get over it.  Then use their words.  Power comes from running, denying, ignoring.  When we do those things, our brains lose.  We may not want to admit it, but we must.

Recently, I wrote about making an impulse purchase for a Disney Princess Castle set for my daugther.  After giving myself a few minutes to think it over, it was cancelled.  When something from Amazon gets ordered, pick the longest shipping time.  Impulse purchases are made from price drops, sadness, stimulation, being tired, on and on.  With a buffer in place (One it feels like a small role in not making Amazon workers pee in bags. Two, it creates less of an impact on travel, shipping, gas, etc.  Anything I order gets sent the following Friday, typically, all together.  Third…) there is room to rethink the purchase being made.  Time to cancel if something is deemed to be non-essential.

All this to control our brains.  Companies put a lot of work getting us to impulse buy. To see ourselves feeling better, being sexier, finding love, being fit with little to no effort, the list goes on.  The fix is relatively simple.  For me, “Is This Essential?” has been a good prompt to reasonable outcomes.  Just make sure you have it where you need it.  If not, you give yourself room to cancel or return it, when you get it home and realize, this is not essential.

A Vegan Father… learning what is essential.

Posted. Not Perfect.

In Dante’s Divine Comedy, how did Virgil escape from Hell? By going to the lowest pit. – The Question

Bruce Lee: Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.

Why is there a need for things?

Unneeded things

things to collect

to possess

to own and control

just things

nothing beyond this life

a subtle joy

a moment of bliss

goals taught to achieve

posts for other to judge success

(whatever that means)

what are we teaching?

what examples are being set?

we are the expectations

the values

of the

those that raised us

if we cannot be the example

of those that come next

get out of the way of

generation next

“It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

“Courage, intellect, all the masterful qualities, serve but to make a man more evil if they are merely used for that man’s own advancement, with brutal indifference to the rights of others. It speaks ill for the community if the community worships these qualities and treats their possessors as heroes regardless of whether the qualities are used rightly or wrongly.” – Teddy Roosevelt’s

There is a disconnect with what we say we believe.  What we say we value.  What we are told is important.  When you read Teddy Roosevelt’s speech above, if you are like me, there is a rush of adrenaline.  A desire to be the person in the arena.  Bloody, covered in dirt. Broken and battered.  Not beaten. 

That is what we are told to admire.  Yet, courage is subjective.  Intellect is made fun of. Disregarded.  Evil is not black and white, or easily identifiable.  We are told it is okay to reach our hand out. Not knowing it is from a person willing to cut it off to serve their own purpose. Never knowing why.

It is easy to read Teddy’s words and feel defeated, not inspired.  Is there honor in being the person standing “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”? We are taught a “worthy cause” is to give to your company not your family.  We are taught to be a good parent we need to spend our time to have more money to get more things. Instead of investing time in our family, having less money.

A good parent provides material possession, screen time, and money.  The balance of childcare, personal time, raising a child, having a career, being a good parent. On the list goes.  What society looks at is not the quality of parenting, but the quantity of the bank account.  Tell someone you make less money to parent more; you will get looks and questions about your child’s future. What are you providing for them?  Tell someone you are working 60 hours a week, making 100,000 a year, giving up time with your child, but paying others to raise them in a big home, you will get accolades for “winning at life”.

Reading and rereading Teddy’s quote, it feels as if we interpret his quote today differently than what he meant. These thoughts on Teddy’s quote are not meant to be defeatist, or sarcastic.  I want to be the blooded marred person in the arena.  It would be great for my daughter to read that and feel inspired. 

 Maybe, that is the answer.  Maybe Teddy’s words do not ring true today the way they did then. Maybe, it is up to us to change what it means to be “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”. Playing with my daughter outside.  Spending money on paints, paper, crayons.  Having to buy clearance, instead of new.  Having to stay home, instead of traveling to Disney World.

We are fighting personal battles. In the end, maybe that is what Teddy meant.  Maybe, it is not about rejecting the hand reaching down, but being the hand doing the reaching. Or, excepting the hand when we need it.  “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”. More hypothetical than reality.  Inspired words to persist.  To try.  To define what working hard is to you.

Who we read.  Who we listen to.  Whose information we let into our minds and lives.  Influence matters.  Examples matter.  If you never see a father being successful at being a father.  Then you have no barometer for what a good father looks likes.  If you were told what a good father looks like and that was a bad example, then you are confused when you see a good father. Confusion breeds insecurity, anger, adverse reactions.  And that all depends on what you consider to be good or successful.

It would be easy to say there are no easy answers.  That we struggle and work and fight to figure out this life.  We can argue and debate what is good or what success looks like.  That is an excuse.  An out.   A way to not have to work at this life.  Good excuses can be clever.  They are never success.

These past eight years were “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”. I am still cleaning up.  Yet, it did not break me.  That is the lesson to my daughter.  Get back in the arena.  Let them release their worst.  Like River in Serenity*, holding the axe tighter, at the ready.  Like Rocky fighting Apollo, “Ding. Ding”.

A Vegan Father…”who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”  That is my example to my daugther. 

Post. Not Perfect.

* Serenity (9/10) Movie CLIP – It’s Finished (2006) HD – YouTube : at 2:22.  That one moment is the clip in my head, standing in the arena.