How good it feels to hold a book. and read a book. good book. For me. For pleasure. For the love of books. I’m doing it now. And i like it.

and you are to. Then, she starts to perk up, but you don’t. Now, you are playing and doing things your body says it can’t do. But your daughter just looks at you. Then, you watch the clock likes it’s high school all over. And it’s all you can do to keep your head upright, til it’s nyquil and chill.

…. you realize it wasn’t psychosomatic.

That moment when you can’t tell if you put soap in your coffee mug to clean it or not so you keep drinking to not waste your coffee. And now you can’t tell if your stomach hurts from soap in your coffee or if it’s just psychosomatic.

That moment when you are driving to the YMCA to workout because it’s too cold outside and you pass a 65-70 year old man outside running.

I posted the most recent podcast today at 11am.  It was recorded at around 8am.  It went well.  There is one lingering thing that almost caused it to come down and be re-recorded.  The thing I want to improve most, the way I talk about being a parent and raising a child.

It felt off when talking about bedtimes and how it has worked for me.  There’s a defensiveness that has become ingrained when trying to share information, or talk about raising a child.

In the podcast today, it seems like the way I was talking was attacking or judging the way others do bedtime.  It didn’t come off as what worked for me as a tip or trick.  It felt like an attack on those that don’t do it the way I’ve done it.  I immediately felt badly.  I immediately wanted to change it.

Instead, it’s becoming a blog post, that will most likely be talked about during next week’s podcast.  It’s honestly not meant as a judgement.  It’s personal insecurities that keep me from talking with authority and confidence.  the words being spoken come off  as harsh and not assured.

It references most of the disagreements and arguments that have happened with my daughter’s mother.  It’s been six years of not talking, but feeling talked down too.  Being treated poorly and second guessed.  It’s a fear of saying something without being yelled at.  It’s something the podcast and blog are working towards helping.

I am not perfect.  I make mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes.  I think there is a lot of value in my parenting, my views, my thoughts and methods.

I apologize that what was suppose to be said came off poorly, or badly.  If they even did.  I’m working to be a better father, but a better parent, a better educator, a better person.  It makes me sad becoming a better husband doesn’t get to get listed, but it is what it is.  The others are more than enough for me right now.

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for coming into my space and allowing me to share.

My happy moment today just happened…

It’s that moment when, your awesome pair of super cool running shoes reach their end of life and you get to wear them as everyday shoes.

My daughter found my Breado graphic novels (https://www.beardocomics.com).  I love how much she’s attracted to comics and strips and stories.  She finds details in the panels my adult brain just skim right past.  She laughs out loud at the things you are suppose to laugh at and some that register as funny to her, but I miss.  She’s lock into to humor and joy in the way a child should be and it makes me so happy to see her engagement with things that don’t require a screen, or distraction aside from a drawn picture or words.

In short,  she makes me happy and helps me to slow down and see the world.

A quick google search lead me to learn the quote “Get busy living or get busy dying” is attributed to The Shawshank Redemption. It’s a mantra in my head a lot of the time.  It’s hard to say exactly when that started getting repeated, but it helps to remind me to stay focused and if feeling sad and depressed is becoming the norm, then do something about it.  There’s a little girl that thinks the world of me and my choices are more limited now than even 10 years ago.

I need to be an example.  Setting the stage for what she thinks is possible, what she believes can and can’t be done.  If she sees someone she loves and believes in not doing their hardest to do better, or be better, than what example is that.  There’s a rabbit hole of thoughts around seeing someone struggle, teacher her the realties, etc.  And all those things are good and true.  Those things are an innate part of life.  Those are the easy things.  Those things will be taught to her by the nature of the situation her mother and I have presented to her, and also by life itself.

What isn’t seen or practiced all the time is the fight and the struggle and the will to maintain.  The desire to give up and give in and break, but saying, those are all options and maybe those feels easier at this moment.  I’m just not going to do that today.  I’m going to push through.

This post comes from my personal journaling, where I touch on these things to get my brain going and get out of the funk that was dictating my morning.  Living with her mother and dealing with this is hard, but it’s going to be hard when we are not living together and dealing with this stuff.

There’s no good answer.  There’s no right answer.  There’s no anything happening here.  It’s just a bad situation with three people that will have to figure it out as best they can.

 

Two night ago doing bedtime with my daughter we were reading a Garfield collection. My daughter laughed several times. Never as hard as at this one strip where Garfield drank too much pop and blew up a portion of the house sending John and Odie flying out the front. I retold that in the car yesterday and listening to that same sweet belly laugh.