It’s influence. I believe what we ingest, through food, reading, friends, time creates us. Nature vs nurture. The question “why” comes up a lot in parenting. At least for me. My daughter found this “letter pack” I bought at Michael’s on clearance for $2. I told her she could keep it. It was meant to be a random gift and give her a non-screen activity to do.
She said, “thank you”. It sounded weird. The way she said it broke my heart. It was said in a way that felt like it wasn’t from her, but something that’s being “taught to her” … not at our house. This probably does not seem like a big deal to you. In most cases, many people would probably say that was a good thing. If I argued against it, then people would say, it’s just a counter to something she’s learning… not at our house.
There are two pieces to this. One I have been aware of and trying to teach her since she was born. The second was felt and discovered last week when this all happened.
- I have always wanted to teach her to internalize her gratitude. She says, “thank you”, “I apologize”, “your welcome” because that is the conclusion she has come to. She says it because that is what has been modeled and taught through action and time. She says it unpromoted. She says it because she means it. She says it because it is sincere and heartful. Forcing a child to say those things and not feel them or truly mean them, seems like the wrong lesson to teach. One of the conflicts I’ve dealt with and felt since having a child is, we tell them not to lie, we tell them to be honest, and that they can trust us. We tell them to express their emotions. We tell them to express their emotions well. We tell them. We tell them. We tell them.
Then… we tell them to lie all the time. “Say sorry”. “But I’m not sorry.” “It doesn’t matter. Just go say it.” “Tell *blank* thank you for the gift.” “But I don’t like it. I’m not thankful.” “Doesn’t matter go tell them.” “I don’t feel thankful.” “That’s not what matters. You got a nice gift, even if you don’t like it or mean it say ‘thank you’.”
It has all seemed very backwards. Confusing. And wrong. There are so many problems and issues we are dealing with. Not the least of which is telling children one thing. Then telling them another. Then yelling at them. Scolding them. Punishing them for doing the exact thing we told them not to do, then do, then yelled at them for.
It is the same with Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and The Tooth Fairy. As adults, we make excuses as to why we do this. It’s fun. Kids love it, etc. Yet, one of the first “moral” things we teach kids not to do is lie. Then systematically begin lying them from the day they are born. All in the name of…. Gifts? Presents? Sweats? Treats? Seriously. It’s all horrible, horrible lies. And a horrible, horrible lesson to teach. There is so much more felt and thought about this topic. But for now, let us move to #2.
- It is her home. Period. End of story. That sums it up for me. I want her to be comfortable here. I want her to live in our space. I want her to feel ownership of our four walls. Now, you will say, “what’s wrong with her saying ‘thank you’ for a gift in her home. That seems reasonable. That seems normal. That seems… okay”. You would, of course, be right. Thinking that. Saying that. There is no argument against that.
Yet… a child’s life is dictated by “others”. At which point does a child gain a sense of self? A sense of ownership? A sense of belonging? How do we teach this, when we tell them what to, how to do, when to do?
How do we teach our children to own their space? When she said, “thank you”. I told her, “you don’t have to thank me. This is our home. I chose to buy you a gift. I was thinking of you when you were not here and wanted to make sure you would have something to do. There is nothing wrong with you saying, ‘thank you’ and it is appreciated. I want to say, ‘thank you’ for enjoying your gift and appreciating it.”
Your agreement and confusion around this is understandable. It’s one of those moments that can’t be fully explained or understood by me. My daughter does not need to say “thank you” because she’s been pushed or told she has to say “thank you” weather she means it or not, because that’s what you are “supposed” to do.
Without going down a rabbit hole here, we are more distracted, disconnected, depressed, lonely and so much more today than we have been since keeping track of these things. We are doing something wrong as a society. We are missing something. Telling our children to lie, or ignore their feelings, or not be true to themselves, because of someone else’s feelings… it just seems off. Wrong.
We want to help guide our children to be good people. To treat others well. To stand-up for themselves. To be true and honest to who they are. Telling them someone else’s feelings matter more than their feelings, seems like a great way to grow confusion, resentment, and an inability to navigate situations when they are told and taught to put other people’s feelings first.
Before the argument is made, the counter argument is easy to make, easy to hear, easy to understand. Yet, when we teach our children to ignore their thoughts and feelings, to go with the crowd, to put their heads down, to not express themselves, what are we teaching them? What are we telling them? Showing them?
Here’s the thing, to try and bring this to a close, adults are the ones messing this up. Children are not starting wars. Children are not destroying the environment. Children are not racist. Children are not cruel. Children not… until we show them. Tell we teach them. Adults are doing the damage. Adults are in pain. Adults do not know how to ask for help. Adults are. Adults are. Adults are…
Maybe, we put our children’s feelings first. Maybe, we teach them, in our home you can say “thank you” for a random gift that was bought out of randomness and love. But in our home. In our space. Within these four walls, the smile on your face is all the thanks needed.
I don’t know how to help a child feel ownership of a home where she or he is told when to go to bed, when to wake up, when to eat, what to eat, where to eat. A home where she or he is not made a part of the rules but told the rules. A home where a child is punished for doing the same thing as an adult. A child is just as likely, or more likely to snap, or be at an emotional breaking point as an adult in a stressful situation. Getting a time out, yelled at, “grounded” for simply being stressed? Does the adult do that to themselves? Is anyone yelling at the adult for being stressed? Is the adult making “do as I say, not as I do rules”, or “as long as you live under my roof” rules?
If we did it right previously, we would not be here. Maybe my solution(s) are not the right ones, but it can’t hurt to try, because what we have been doing doesn’t seem to be working.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Better Father 