Last night my daughter came to me with a secret she was told by a friend.  She is at the age where crushes start happening (so, that has been the secret to share lately).  This is a time to show respect and understanding.  To remind her she is trusted, but not alone. If it is something told does not feel right to keep, she can share it without negative repercussions.  If it is something “not good”, sometimes secrets need to be shared.

She said Sally (not her real name) said her other friend Tami (also, not her real name) does not like her (my daugther).  That Tami only plays with her because Sally makes her.

BAM.  Que daddy defense mode.

“Well, Tami comes over here to play with you when Sally’s not even here…”, “Tami comes here when you are not here, knocking on the door asking for…” example after example.

Daddy defense mode.  Protect her feelings, emotions, wellbeing.  Daddy insecurity mode.  Do not create negative feelings at our home.  Do not let her friends at her mom’s house win over her friends here.  (Not a great way to approach things, but this place is about being nakedly honest… mostly).

What could have been better choices:  How does that make you feel?  Does that seem true to you?  What possible reason / motivation would Sally have to say that to you?

Now, let her talk.  Wait your turn, if at all.  Let her express her thoughts and emotions. Do not start telling her what they are. Let her walk a path to determine if it seems true Tami does not like her.

That is how I woke up.  Why did I tell and not ask?  Today, ask if this comes up again.  Tell her if it comes up, I should have asked, not told last night.  This is about her perspective and feelings.  Then listen more, speak less.

This is an example of getting better, of learning, of trying to do better, of trying to be a better father. We will never be all the things.  Every interaction will not go the way it could or should.  If we are trying to improve and get better.  If we are learning and seeking growth and improvement. These moments will be recognized and identified.  Then, next time, modified. 

This is not a game with a buzzer and final score.  This is practice, though.  If your intentions are good, you will come back later and do better than the previous time. 

To do that, you need to stay present and accountable.  She probably does not even know I “messed up” last night.  Later, she will know her thoughts, feelings and sharing last night was taken seriously and not brushed off.

Posted. Not perfect.

A Vegan Father… learning to ask and listen and talk less.

There is no telling what today will bring.  It is a nice Saturday in mid-April in the mid-west.  It is 7am.  My daugther is catching up on sleep from the previous five days.  Birds are outside the window enjoying the seeds my daughter and her friends scattered across the lawn. We have plans to pick up her 4^th quarter school supplies in 3 hours.  There is an acai truck she wants to go to for lunch.  The library reopened their bookstore recently.  .50 cents for kids’ books.  Last week we got about $150.00 worth of books for $8.50.

If today goes like most others, shortly my daughter will wake.  She will come downstairs holding the Hobbes tiger purchase nearly a year ago.  She will crawl onto my lap and cuddle into me.  Then she will go through the dramatic play of asking for breakfast (it is a whole thing for her).

We are currently experiencing many pressures.  Things waiting and lurking in the background.  This could be a great day.  Something could happen to throw it off. 

Right now, is good.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… appreciating the pause moments.

As a follow up. My daughter woke up at 710. Came downstairs. Cuddled into my lap and started talking about, well, anything that popped into her head. Then she started the routine of asking for toast for breakfast.

We are not born a clean slate.  It is not nature vs nurture.  It is nature and nurture.  That this has ever been debated, proves an inherent ignorance of the human condition.

There will always be genetic markers that start us off.  DNA strands that come with us to the starting line.  Some of those markers will be more dominate.  Some submissive.  Yet, they are the foundation for when starting gun goes off.  From there it is a race until we die.  Not being morbid, just a fact. 

We know touch matters to a baby.  We know yelling interrupts neural connections in the brain.  We know bad touch negatively affects growth and development.  Nature put us here.  Nurture starts to form our understanding of the world we were brought inhabit.

A foundation is laid.  We cannot go back in time to change the structure that was established by the time we reach adulthood.  Yet, we can modify, rebuild, restructure, make improvements and modifications based on updated information.  A willingness to acknowledge that changes may need to be made.

How?

Example and influence.

Listening to the Vergecast podcast this morning they talked about the random old cords they have laying around. There was an immediate release of the chemicals in my brain that connected, felt great, aligned with what they were talking about.  It was funny and accepted that cords fill multiple drawers.

After that initial release of the connection chemicals in my brain, the acknowledgement that I have been trying to declutter came back.  A minimalist lifestyle.  Getting rid of “stuff”.  eBay, Varagesale, donations, what’s not needed, what can be let go.

Influence matters.  What we ingest, what we pay attention to.  What we choose to focus on.  What we want to achieve and accomplish matters.  Influences matter.  A lifetime of poor examples.  You are working against those.  Not understanding that you are working against those examples.  Trying to fight a foundation laid long ago and working against those influences.

Finding examples, people to look up to.  People that model our desired behavior can influence and change behaviors.  Bitter and upset by a divorce or break-up?  Find a group of people that sit around complaining about an ex and their situation and how they got screwed.  Drink and complain and justify how things went wrong because “she’s a *blank*”. Or…

Decide being a good parent is more important.  Realize you tried and it did not work.  Look at you parents’ example (depending on your situation) and think that is not going to be us.  Bitter and angry begets bitter and angry.  Now, my daugther does not have a horrible example of what love, marriage and relationships are supposed to look like.  That may suck.  It shouldn’t’ have been that way, but you can’t change someone else.  So, this is what you have been handed (nature) what are you going to do with it (nurture).

You can influence your nature (move, surround yourself with better people, get a new job, etc.), and you can influence the nurture (read books, listen to experts on how to properly move one, watch documentaries, etc.).

The stoic saying is you cannot control what happens to you (though, I believe we can make choices to  influence what happens to us, but point taken).  You can only control your reaction (which, is technically correct, but the reaction will be based on the work you have done to determine that reaction.  One of the reasons I am not a super fan of quotes anymore.  They do not properly expound upon the work and effort it takes to understand and accomplish an end goal.  Most are quick hits that distract from the actual work it takes to accomplish real change).

I often preference we are all doing our best.  That life is hard, and we are taking our hits and doing what we think is right.  Many times in life keeping my head above water took nearly everything.  Close to drowning on multiple occasion.  But we can do better.  It takes work.  It requires finding better influences and examples to help guide us to a better reaction, a better place, a better response, a better life.  Then, we do it again.  And again.  And again.  We do not start over.  We build.  We modify.  We rebuild.  We gut a room and redesign it. 

We can literally rewire our brains to respond differently to different stimuli.  Connections and reactions were created once.  They can be created a second time, a third time, a fourth.

Stories and parables are great, but they need to stay stories and parables.  Not become life lessons.  If we are told, and subsequently come to believe, change, work, and life is pushing a boulder up a hill; then we will believe just that.  Internalize it.  Come to see life as a boulder needing to pushed up a hill.  We are defeated before we start.  Overwhelmed.  Struggling and giving up before we start.  Or thinking this is what it takes to live.

Change is not hard.  It is not a bolder up a hill.  It is time.  Not easy, but not so difficult we need to feel defeated before we start.  It is a walk.  A climb.  We need only carry what we choose to carry.  If anything, as we walk and climb, we can shed what we realize no longer serves us.  We need to carry the weight of the past.  We can see it. Acknowledge it. Understand it is part of our path. Always somewhere on our hill. We cannot change what happened, what was, what others did, what others will do.  Yet, we can set it down. Make the journey forward and up better. Not easy.  Better.  Their choice, while it may have affected us, need not be a weight we carry.  Set it down.  Leave it where it lies.  Move forward.  Keep climbing. 

Pushing a boulder would block our view.  The weight would distract us from change.  Instead enjoy the journey, take in nature that the earth nurtured to life.

Post.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… walking up and setting things down.

The thought behind the title is subjective at best.  What do we ever truly know?  The concept of right is based on whatever we believe to think is correct.  Which is based on the information we have at the time.  Which could and should be ever changing.

What I believe to be true today is we need to eat healthy (plant-based, minimum amounts of sugar, fruits and vegetables), we need the recommended amounts of sleep for our age.  We should screen less, play more.  The details of those are based on information correlated in my head from various readings, podcasts, documentaries, and what science currently recommends.

The most important thing as a parent, from what people have said, is protecting your child.  That seems to somehow filter into meaning predators, bullies, bad accidents. In short, physical harms.  It does not seem to relate to mental and physical health. 

Which seems backwards to me.  We can teach our children to run from danger.  Report after the fact if someone does or tries something “bad”. How to deal with a bully or wear protective gear when riding a bike.  For the most part, those are meant to minimize things out of their (our?) control. It is meant to add a sense of security, or we “tried” to protect our children. 

Much of that is out of our control.  We are not around our children 24/7.  We cannot know the evils inside people we thought we could trust. Our sphere of control extends about 1 foot around ourselves at any given time.

The things we can control are brushed off as “a kid will be a kid”, “or, it’s okay, they’re just a kid”, “don’t overreact”, “they’ll be fine”, “calm down.”  Poor diets, lack of sleep, just talking with them.  We struggle to have “the sex talk”.  We wait to long to address the things that will affect them from the day they are born until the day they die.

Our lack of knowledge. Our insecurities.  Our awkwardness.  Our struggles.  They keep us from doing what could help them throughout their lives.

Go to school.  Play sports.  Do extra circulars.  Go to college.  Get degrees.  Do quarterly trainings.  Write reports.  Look over last year’s results.  A widget, daily sales goals, and weekly results are treated as the difference between life and death.

How often to we review the previous year’s successes and failures of raising our children?  How often do we set daily goals of what we want them to accomplish?  What we want to accomplish with them?  How often do we sit down and review the previous week with them, or their other parent? 

Do we have quarterly training to learn the latest information about raising an “x” year old?  Do we sit and have meetings with the other caregivers in our child’s life to review how things are going?  Do we align our values and create a consistent message for them?  Are they included in the choices that affect them?  Are they talked to and told the reason or purpose for a choice?

More importantly, do we do that before we have child.  My daughter’s current situation does not allow me to do what I believe to be right for her.  It is more important than ever to be better.  Take a breath.  Breathe.  Think.  Do not react.  Pause.  Filter.  Focus.  Now.  Talk. 

I cannot always do what is best for my daugther.  I can try my best when I am with my daugther.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… not always right, but trying to teach what is right.

As with any other topic there are lots of books, podcasts, blogs, articles, websites dedicated to parenting.  How to deal with their anger, their meltdowns, their emotional highs, and lows.  When to put them to bed. How to feed them.  What happens this at this stage/age?  What do you do here, there, everywhere?

I am the type of parent to reads some of those.  Trying to navigate this world of growing an embryo (my part admittedly little during this time) to a person.  There are some right answers and some wrong.  Lots in between.  Seeing what sticks and doing your best and hoping in the end they function well enough to get from point A to point B.

As we navigate this time of growth sometimes the best we can do is pay attention to what they are telling us.  When it comes to raising a decent person, pay attention.  Often, they will show or tells us what they need.

Last night my daugther wanted to ride her bike.  Her father’s roll in this?  Be outside.  She did not need anything but my eyes and my time.  She wanted to show off a couple of new skills.  That was it.  In that moment being a good parent required standing and listening.  She was talking and sharing and showing off.  Proud of herself.

Bedtimes, screens, nutrition, another parent, other parents, kids, teachers, and more.  Yet, for half an hour last night we existed not in the in past or the future, or a lesson.  We were in the circle of the present.  When to do nothing?  When they tell you.

A Vegan Father… being a good father by doing nothing, that meant everything.

Posted. Not Perfect.

It was not far.  The instinct to drive was overridden by a desire to walk.  The wind was not too cold. Cold enough it was nice it is a short walk.  The destination? A coffee shop.  Until yesterday I had never been.  Today is day two of venturing into the wild.  Stilling in a corner alone.  A father and son sitting inside.  The mother took the daughter outside to play.  A lady on the other side of the building sits alone reading a book.  It is quiet and calm.  A machine humming gently waiting to serve some sort of drink.

It has been just over a year since I started wearing glasses.  It was weird at first.  44 years never having need for them.  The choice was overwhelming a year ago at Target.  So many to choose from.  Hundreds displayed on the small wall.  We once thought choice was good.  Turns out, the brain does not like choices.

The weight of them was felt on my face walking here.  It took awhile to get use to them.  Taking them on and off haphazardly.  Trying to learn when to take them off or keep them on.  It was new.  It has become a habit.  Now, they are forgotten. Only removed when noticed doing something that does not require them.  Often forgetting to put them on, until my brain realizes it is harder to read the words than it should be.

When it was needed, it was an easier habit to form.  It was frustrating “losing” them from time to time.  Then, I learned strategic places to leave them when taking them off.  Walking instead of driving became an option, because morning walks became a nice way to start the day.  A choice was introduced, overriding an instinct to “just drive”.

The option to come into a coffee shop, instead of “staying at home”, happened when the seal was broken.  Another choice made that changed the environment, the view, and inspired this writing.  A writing that would not have happened, had the choice to start writing not been made a few months ago.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.  You cannot change what happened yesterday.  All you have is today and the moment you are in.  Yet, choices made months ago; to read Atomic Habits, The Lives of the Stoics, and many more, influenced today.  The choice to make a To-Do List, to write more, to take morning walks, and more.  Little changes and adjustments to getting rid of old routines and start new ones.  Different ways to fill time.  Differing ways to be feel better about time spent.

Those changes and choices led to this moment.  We are not always able to understand the long-term impact of our choices, or changes as they are happening.  It is important from time to time take a moment to reflect on why you are doing what you are doing.  What caused a reaction. Why you are doing what you are doing.  Understanding a particular response to a particular stimulus.

We will die unfinished.  It does not mean we have to die unfulfilled.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… incomplete, but building.

Fear has been talked about as a key factor in how things were handled the past five years.  Fear still waits over the hill, waiting to attack.  One thing is figured out, discovered, admitted to, and dealt with.  Then, the next shows up. 

You are left having to figure out what next is.  Starting over and over.  You are the warrior at the end of the book.  In your final moments, victorious.  The villain defeated.  Now you rest. Reap the rewards of your victory. 

Walking down the hill, victory in hand, someone screams and points. There is another villain coming over the hill. 

I struggled as boyfriend.  Let us put that out there.  It does not mean I was bad, but not always good.  I like romance, buying gifts, making someone feel good.  It is nice having someone to share moments with.  Part of the issues may have been a slight addiction to falling in love (the other part a childhood full of baggage).

One of the fears of leaving the situation I was in had to do with my age. Was romantic love still possible? The sweet, fun, mushy, late-night talks, not being able to get off the phone, missing and anxiously waiting for the next time you are together kind of love.  Even a bad situation still has a person there.  Even if you do not really want them there.

The villain was cresting over the hill.  Fear that love was no longer possible.  Would it be more practical and straight forward? The carefree love you enjoyed in your twenties, replaced by boring adult love?  This is not being hyperbolic.  It was a driving fear. A concern of entering a new world.

A couple of nights ago, I met up with someone for a drink and conversation.  Two divorced adults meeting on an app.  Wondering if there was a connection in person. 

She is very pretty. Independent.  Smart. etc. Immediately, I felt my heart beating faster.  A nervousness of not wanting to mess this up.  The pressure to perform.  Focused on the other person.  Talk. Share. Be entertaining. 

We gave ourselves an out before meeting. One drink. Hang out for an hour.  We were there for 3 ½ hours.  We only stopped because she wanted to get home to her daughter, and she worked early in the morning.

As we walked to her car, we passed mine. I had bought this flower for her.  A little potted flower. Nothing extravagant.  Just enough to put a smile on someone’s face.  I was nervous and felt silly about giving it to her.  I did. She lite up and said, “thank you”.

What happens next?  Who knows?  Maybe nothing.  It could have just been a nice night for two people to get out of their routines. Two people that related to one another and shared a night.  Two people that met online.  Then in person.  And that was that.

The result of that meetup, we will see.  What did happen is an understanding that fear was again the villain coming over the hill.  I the defender.  A 3 ½ hour lesson that age has little to do with romance or feeling the feels.

It is hard not to feel, or think, or say I lost a decade being around a… less than desirable person. A lost decade to a… not great partner.  That is my reality and truth for those years.

No matter what happened with that lost decade; no matter the reality and truth of it; no matter how you try and see or categorize it, that decade is not today day.  That decade is the past.  It was viewed differently as it was happening. Just as it was viewed differently during the divorce.  Just as it was viewed differently after the divorce. It is viewed differently moment to moment, minute by minute, day by day.  Determined by whatever is being thought about in that moment.   Determined by whatever is going well or not well in life then.

Two nights ago had nothing to do with the past.  It was the present.  It was that moment.  The moment when tired, scared, beaten down, worn out, walking down the hill, it was learned there is still fight in me. No, not fight.  Nope.

It was learned there is more than a single fear influencing my thoughts.  More fears lurking.  Waiting to come over the hill.  Those fears are the past.

The past is just that.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… in the present.

Meditation has been one of the To-Do List focuses the past few months.  The practice started with the Headspace App.  Now using the Waking Up with Sam Harris App (so far, liking Sam’s better).

The struggle with meditation, which seems to be the biggest issue, are the random thoughts floating in and out.  Creating space and time to focus on nothing.  A crazy oversimplification.  Part of the practice / point is to acknowledge the thought. Then let the thought go. 

Thoughts going in and out are not a failure to meditate.  Have those thoughts coming into and out of your mind is normal.  Learning that is part of the reason you are meditating.

This morning the thoughts were going in and out. At times, not even realizing Sam was talking, because thoughts were wandering so much.  Acknowledging this.  Realizing I was out of the moment of mediation and bringing it back.

In that moment, an of acknowledgment that thoughts were winning, and non-thoughts were losing.  One of those wandering thoughts was: this is the only time of day where there is an attempt to sit without any distraction.  5-10 minute was all the mind gets.

Days spent listening to podcasts, making coffee, driving to work, logging into work, making to-do lists, writing in a journal, looking at email, chatting through Marco Polo with friends, texting friends and family, doing laundry, reading a book, on and on. 

Waking at 5am (roughly) and going to bed at 930 pm (approximately) provides an estimated 16.5 hours of awake time.  That means 16 hours and 20 minutes is spent doing all those things.  Of that, only 10 minutes is spent trying to give the brain a break. 

It was during meditation this morning that the idea of Non-Meditation came about (Anti-Meditation or Un-Meditation were the other two names thought up).  Meditation will be part of the day.  Taking the mental space and time to journal and think thoughts about what goes into that journal will still be a focus of the day. 

Now, there will also be 10 minutes to sit in a meditation position.  To put mind and body at the ready to meditate.  Set a timer for 10 minutes.  Then think. 

No trying to acknowledge those thoughts and let them go. No pen in hand. No journal nearby. No intention to take those thoughts and make anything of them. For ten minutes the mind is free to wander.

(This does come up in the Headspace App and Sam does a good job of making sure to say these thoughts will happen. That is okay. With a short focus, or the purpose to get to bring it back to meditation.)

This is setting an intention to think the thoughts and have no other point or purpose. Sit  comfortably.  Take a moment to start breathing.  Clear the mind.  Dedicate 30 seconds to creating the space.  Then… wander and think.

Give it a try.  It may be the most important 10 minutes you spend today.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… thinking thoughts.

At bedtime, last night my daughter asks, “Tell me a story from when you were a kid.”  This has become a standard part of our bedtime routine.  It is nice she wants to hear those stories.  It brings memories to the forefront and gives her a glimpse into her father’s past.

After years of these stories, they are starting to repeat or get obscure.  She is sweet enough to say, “It’s okay if you tell one I’ve heard before”.  Last night, somehow, a story about the courting of my high school girlfriend (to be fair it is a great story) was told.   She followed the story with, “Then you met my mom and married her?”

That was a heartbreaking question. 

The story of how she came to be.  Her mom’s and I relationship did not start in the best way and got less honorable.  She was conceived in lies and manipulation.  Neither one of her parents are displayed in the best light.

That her story is one not out of love is a constant ringing in the background.  When she is older what story will she hear?  Ultimately, no matter how someone else acted and behaved, the important thing is she is and has been loved since day one.  Her origin story is not the focus.  It was what happened after that matters.

That future weighs heavy on my heart.  It has for years.  My daughter’s truth, a looming storm.  Yet, there is still time to process and learn a better way to tell the story.

Ultimately, honesty won and she was told those stories will be heard when she is older.  She wanted to know why being older mattered.  It is just a more adult story that will be shared later.  It took a little convincing, but she decided 8 would be old enough.  Probably not. 

That her story cannot be told to her now is sad.  There are many things in parenting that are hard.  This story has been lying in wait.  It is starting to come out of the shadows.

No matter how things are going with parenting. No matter how you may think you have a handle on it.  Those moments you are not ready for, wanting, or anticipating are coming.  Everything you do to prepare now will only help when provided these obstacles.

That is no different than the everyday life of anyone.  What are you preparing for?  In life.  In work.  In relationships.  In health.  In parenting.  Your reaction will dictate what happens next.  You must prepare yourself for your best possible reaction.

My daughter’s question last night had been thought about and processed in the past.  I was not totally unprepared, just not ready for it yet.  What happens next?  I have no idea.  But, I am preparing.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… and storyteller.

I used to wonder why I turned out the way I did.  What motivate this thought, or action?  What was the purpose of this or that choice?  Why react one way to one thing and another way to something else? Too long living in the “if”, “but” and “why”.  The past.  Curiosity has been lost. The focus and reasons changed.

One of the fundamental changes of my life was having a daughter.  “Of course,” you say. “Having a kid should change your life.”  And to some that is true.  So many changes.  Both in good ways, and in other… different ways. Pretending the negatives do not exist is ignorant and a disservice to my daugther.  And a lie.  To me and to her.

Yet, what is not said, or acknowledge as much, are the changes the child can have on you.  They will say: You will not sleep.  They will take all your time.  You will have to start saving differently. No more nights out.  On and on.  All the negatives of how they will adjust your life.

They will counter that with: You will  have so much love for them.  They will become your world.  You will have this little child to raise and depend on you.  A life you are now in charge of protecting.  On and on.

Early on there was a book read that said kids eats what you eat.  So, I started eating better.  Your child mirrors what you do.  So, be more patient and calmer.  You child learns from watching you.  Run more.  Exercise more.  Model healthy behavior.  Your child will do what they see you doing.  Read more.  Read to them.  Take them to libraries.  What do they have to play with?  Art supplies.  Physical toys that create movement.  Things she controls and builds with.  Screens are not good for them.  Then lessen screens.

I have done what I can to be a better father.  More reading.  Observing.  Meditate to stay calmer.  Learn to wait.  Better time management.  Pause. Be the mirror she looks into and can sees a possible future.  A future of books, healthy eating, exercise, better choices.  Seeing herself as strong.  Fun.  Intelligent.  Secure.  Empathetic.  Responsible.  Learning.  Growing.  Changing.  Evolving.

Then you must be those things.  My insecurities had to be worked on.  I needed to eat better.  Run more.  Read more.  Write more.  Paint more.  Create more.

My daughter is raising her father to be better.  Just as her father is raising her to be better.  She changed many things in my life.  Some for the better, some that would be done differently with present knowledge.  Yet, is it undeniable, her birth was the catalyst for me to evolve.  To get out of coasting through life.  To not say “if”, “but”, and “why”.  Instead to look at those past behaviors and say, “Okay.  Now what?”

She took a person living in the past and guided him the present.  There were only two choices.  Be better or not.  That was it.  I looked at her and said, I will try to be better.  More work went into keeping my head above water the first 38 years of my life, than the previous 7.  Now, there is less treading water and more swimming in it.

It is why I am writing these very words.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… being raised to be a better father, by a better daugther.