It can be hard to know if your parenting is sinking in.  If what you are teaching matters.  Lost words to a distracted mind?  Why say it again if the words go nowhere?  Why repeat yourself over and over?  You only get frustrated.  Agitated.  It puts more on you.  You are raising them. You give them a roof over their head.  Food.  Books.  On and on.  Why the extra work only to be ignored?

Why do it over and over and over again? Because they are hearing you.  No matter how much it may seem they are not.  Over and over and over again.  No matter their reaction, they are paying attention.  That is why is it important to continue to not lose patience.  Restating your words, saying them again and again and again. 

You will never know the time when your words embedded themselves. 

My daugther was picked up from school on Friday.  As we were driving home, she said, “I want to go to the library when you get off work today.”

“Okay, we can go when I get off work if you want.  I only say that incase you are playing with your friends and change your mind about going.  Then, we will go another day.”  A normal buffer added into nearly every conversation.  Words to come back to if plans goes astray.

Pause.

Her: “I like when you do that.”

Me: “Do what?”

Her: “Give me the choice like that.  You understand that I may want to keep playing with my friends later, when I said earlier, I wanted to go to the library. I like that.”

I ramble and stumble through a thank you.  Over explaining. Over taxing her comment.

A book read a while ago that said to build confidence by giving your child choices.  Two simple options.  Options that end in a desired outcome.  Do you want to wear your blue pants or pink pants?  Either way, he or she will be in pants.  They are given a choice.  Then choose. Even if it is, on the surface, only an illusion of choice (I will not rabbit hole on this, it just serves as an example here).

It does matter.  Nearly seven years of giving choices.  Giving a way out.  Providing autonomy over her life.  Our children are too young and fragile to take it.  We must guide them to building that muscle.  Over. And over. And over again.  And it is hard.  It is so much easier to say, “Just get in the car.”  “If you didn’t fight “x” we would be there by now”.  On and on. 

Them having their shortcomings told to them.  Having to navigate adults. The world.  Without the strength to fight back, talk back, express themselves.  We are the ones who provide it to them. We are the ones who need to stay vigilant in teaching them. 

Because one day,  unexpectedly, we will be dealing with life.  Having our shortcomings told to us.  Navigating adults.  The world.  Wondering how we are doing as parents.  They will give us the gift of letting us know, “I like when you do that.”

Be good.  Be kind.  Be patient.  Be what your child, every child, needs as an example.

A Vegan Father… repeating himself.  Over. And over. And over again.  Watching for the moments when she says, “I got it”.

Post. Not Perfect.

People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy. – Seneca, On the Shortness of Life, 3.1

I recently purchased a pair of used Samsung Galaxy Buds Pro from Best Buy.  They were okay, but not worth keeping.  Also, the money isn’t really there to have them.  Still, there was a struggle to return them.  More stuff.  Another thing to have and not need.  Another failed purchase, losing $120.

It may seem silly, but there was an internal debate over returning them.  A struggle to justify something neither needed nor wanted.  My Achilles heel.  Thinking.  Hoping.  Wanting a thing to fill a hole to make me whole.

Things on eBay.  A box full of DVD’s.  More comics than one would care count. A clearance purchase here.  A sale item there.  We all have our blind spots.  We all have struggles, justifications, and excuses for doing “x”. 

It may seem silly, but the books, the podcasts, the journaling, the writing, the podcasting, it is all to be better.  It allowed me to make the return yesterday.  Judge me if you would like. It is warranted on a level or two. 

All is an accumulation of things.  All is time spent, not time used.  All is to get more things (and boy do I love things). All is “whoever has the most when they die wins”.  I would swim in debt to fill the hole with things and stuff.  Masking the pain, hurt, and insecurities.  A broken person looking in the mirror not seeing enough. Not seeing anything but lacking and thinking “more”.

For too long we mocked and joked about self-improvement.  Looking at others and judging.  Then going home unsatisfied and hurting.  Jokes about being “good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me”.  If we do not speak up, we will never find complete(d).  Time, experience, and statics tell us what was is not working.  What we teach.  What we mirror.  What we model.  Are not the right things to teach, mirror, and model.

Change All.  Changing All is your choice, your focus, your desires, your wants.  My All is not your All.  Though we can learn from one another.  We can share with each other.  We can talk about what we are thinking, feeling, needing, wanting.  We can teach being vulnerable.  We can be the mirror.  We can model the behaviors we want to see in the world.   We can debate right and wrong.  We can discuss how to be better citizens.  We can, but we need to admit what is, is not working.

My All?  Less stuff.  Patience with my daugther, others, and life.  Writing.  Blogging.  Reading.  Kindness.  A car that works well enough to pick up my daugther and take her where she needs to go.  A couple of good friends to talk to.  A roof over our heads to stay warm.  Being a good mirror to the world.  Being a good teacher to those around me.  Being a good model for all the above.

Those are the focus.  Those are the “if I died tomorrow”, I would leave a good foundation for which my daughter to build.

A work in progress. Broken. Failed, faulted, struggling, imperfect, a little lost in the world.  Yet, most days I have it All.  With that, happiness is not out of reach. Happiness is not a struggle.  Not an unattainable concept.  Not a foreign concept. Or an “if only”. 

There is a change to defining All. From a change in focus to what matters most. What is important, what truly brings joy.   No doubt, most days are still a struggle for one reason or another, yet there is an anchor in All that makes those struggles less of a strangle.

A Vegan Father… believing in having it All.

Posted. Not Perfect.

Today’s post is based on the link below. Look at it before or after. It works either way.

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/photographer-removes-our-smartphones-to-show-our-strange-and-lonely-new-world?utm_source=pocket-newtab

How dumb they all look.  How silly.  How distracted.  How lost in the world as they stand in it.  How unaware of what is happening around them.  What do they think they shall find?  What mysteries are hidden in that little screen?  Will it change their lives?  Will is bring them peace, comfort, and joy? Will they find what they have been seeking?  Somewhere.  Somehow, in that little screen?

All the while I am right here waiting to be noticed.  To be seen.  To be explored.  I wonder if they know what is lost by not looking up.  What is more glorious than color changing leaves?  Sunrises?  Sunsets? Oceans? And tress?  The universe has so much to entertain them.  To give them mysteries to solve. Valleys, hills, mountains to explore.  Prompts all around to create stories, myths, legends galore.  So much existing.  So much wanting to be seen and heard.

Seek to understand me.  But their necks do not bed.  Make it easier.  But their necks do not bend.  I start to worry something is wrong.  Why won’t they look up?  Is there anything I can do to help? 

Desperate for attention.  More tornados.  Cold.  Then hot.  Then colder.  Then hotter.  All in the span of days.  “Look up!”, I scream.  Fear in my voice.  Shouts louder than before.  Ice caps melt.  Glaciers break.  Entire species gone.  Land destroyed.  Fires rage.  Their looking down only gets worse.

I am weary.  Having tried so hard.  Tears fall, seeing humanity near its end.  Wondering what could have been done differently.  “Everything you ever needed was right here for you”.  So much. So much provided.  More than what they would ever need. 

Even when you hurt me. I did not raise my hand or voice to punish you.  You were young and new.  You knew no better.  You would learn.  I would give you time to grow and flourish. It seems our time is coming to an end.

Now, after millions of years, you are broken.  Was there anything I could have done?  Was there any way to help?

Regardless.  I can see. It is too late.  You can no longer look up to the wonders and see my hand reaching…

Earth to Humanity.

A Vegan Father… looking up.

Posted. Not perfect.

An early memory was someone saying, “Oh, you’re done deaf like me”. An off handed observation, said in jest, that ripped through and took away.  If you think words do not carry weight, even words said with no ill intent, you would be wrong.  It is a wise lesson to learn. 

Those words, while hurtful, are not wrong.  They just never had a replacement.  There was never a follow-up. So, that part was left empty. 

Those words led to opportunities being passed up.  Became excuses to not try.  A lifetime of questions and judgements from others.  Why? Because an introverted kid was told he was not good at something from someone that mattered. From then on, he did his best to blend in and not stick out. For worry more words would take more pieces away.

Why try when something just is not there?

Until…

At an early age, like most parents, I would sing to my daughter to put her to sleep or calm her down (queue the jokes, I have heard them).  It worked.  There was even one song that could bring her down from a total baby meltdown.  When she got older and used “sing to me daddy” as a bedtime stall tactic. There were two Tom Petty songs she would hear to help her fall asleep.

She still asks me to her sing to her at bedtime.  That is when a change occurs.  At night.  Lights out.  Sitting beside the bed.  My hand on her arm or holding her hand.  It is then I sing like Tom Petty.  Two of his songs that she has been falling asleep to for years.  I am singing “The Apartment Song” and “All Right For Now”. In that moment we could stand on stage and harmonize note for note.

I do not understand the how or  why of this is.  It does not happen outside of these moments (that anyone has said.  And trust me, they would say).  It is reminiscent of the stories of a mom picking a car up off her kid (only, you know, not that).  In these moments, a little boy gets pieces of himself back, taken long ago.  He gets them back and gives them to his daugther. 

You would think something precious, once taken, would be coveted, not freely given.  You would be wrong.

A Vegan Father… singing in tune at night.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

The other day The Daily Dad podcast was about how small our children are.  How they are learning to navigate the world.  That adults need to provide grace and patience as they stumble, trip, fall, or break something. 

It was not long ago my daughter felt my frustration at her “not paying attention”. For knocking stuff over and spilling things.  “Pay attention.  Have spatial awareness of yourself and the things around you.”  Not long after these moments of frustrations my daugther made a comment, after slipping and falling, that she is clumsy (I have no way of knowing of what happens at her mom’s house, or what is said there, but this felt like a direct response to what I had been saying about awareness).

Queue heartbreak.  The beginnings of understanding that something was not handled well.  Then, The Daily Dad’s podcast.  Queue the understanding. Queue the apology.  Followed by a talk of the proper way to handle situations.  A talk about how her body is growing and changing.  Teaching her it is normal for her to stumble and fall and slip.  And that is okay.  I was wrong.

The lesson is to pause.  What is causing this reaction?  Lack of knowledge.  Lack of understanding.  Lack of patience. It can be learned with a Google search what happens in a 7-year-old body progressing to 8.  How their balance can be off as they grow.  In those moments, a child was made to internalize feeling clumsy.  Something she has zero control over (I tear up as this is being written).

My reaction taught her to react first.  “Why am I so clumsy?” There is no going back and changing what was said.  However, in the present:  “I was wrong.  You are not slipping and falling because of a comment about spatial awareness.  You are growing.  Your body is changing and adjusting.  You may slip a little every day as you change.  Those stumbles are positive.  They show you are growing and changing.  I apologize my lack of knowledge made you feel you were clumsy”.

Better.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… doing more today to better tomorrow.

Listen to my podcast A Better Father. Found on all your favorite listening places.

The Daily Dad – Every Dad Needs a Little Help

Being a parent is hard.  Not in the cliched way (I am not a fan of parenting clichés).  It is hard because you must work to be better. That is not  a common view, as a parent or non-parent.  We tend to make our children adjust to us.  Take a square peg and file them down until the fit into whatever other spot we want them to fit in. To be a better father, I needed to eat better, be more active, understand why we do what we do, why we think what we think, why we eat what we eat. 

In short, no longer was I able to just do whatever felt good or right because. There was a need to understand “why” on a deeper level. To be able to express and talk with my daugther about “why”.  To better answer her questions and not bully her with “because I said so”.

My life, until 8 years ago, was based on random learns and motivations.  A gut feeling of right or not right.  A life based on what felt good, without, hopefully, doing harm to others.  Eat well, read, watch less TV, run.  Why? They felt good and were supposed to be good for you.  Life just was.  Then my daugther came to be. It was no longer good enough to do without the understanding of “why”. 

A few weeks ago, I told my daughter if ever a conflict arose with what she was told between her two houses, it was okay for her to ask about those differences.  That there was logic and purpose to the choices made in our home.  There was nothing that could not be backed up or explained without proof and reason. 

This reinforces what she is learning here. To not be afraid to ask questions about what she is being taught and told.  Questions to the point, where if she makes a good argument, then we can change a choice that is being made.  The goal is to teacher her that this is our home.  That she has ownership over thing that happen within these walls.

With that said, it would not be above me to get upset about what she is experiencing at her mom’s house.  That does not help my daugther or me. Instead, the choice is made to find a path to conversations, give reasons, and logically working through those differences.  Building a foundation for  understanding the “why’s” in life. 

She is learning to ask questions.  To challenge information, views, thoughts, and reasons, of the information she is being taught / told. 

This is something we could all be doing better.  We work within a framework.  We exist inside the boxes that we were taught and told to live inside. There is comfort with those boxes and that structure.  Yet, that does not put a dent in the universe.  None of us will make it out of here alive.  We can drift off gracefully into the night;  or we can drive the car full throttle until we go back in time, or crash in a giant blaze (figuratively, if not literally).

Ask questions.  Challenge what you were taught.  Push past acceptance.  It  may not make you popular or rich (or maybe it will, who firkin’* knows?).  You will be curious.

When I am no longer of this earth, I hope my daugther describes me as a father who showed her it was okay to ask questions and taught her to be curious.

A Vegan Father… curious question asker.

*I had “frickin’” there, but spell check wanted to make it “firkin”.  Defined as: a small wooden vessel or cask; a unit of volume or mass used in several situations. Its etymology is likely to be from the Middle English ferdekyn, probably from the Middle Dutch diminutive of vierde ‘fourth’. Firkin also describes a small wooden vessel or tub for butter, lard, etc

That is such a better word, even though it does not fit correctly.  We are making it ours.

This blog was started to share thoughts on parenting. To encourage me to work harder to have a purpose beyond the self.  To read, learn and share what was read and learned. It was about accountability in parenting.

The weight of the title “a better father” was lost on me during the late-night run when it was created.  Not having the title was an excuse for not writing or podcasting.  Without a good title, what’ the point?  With the title, the excuse to stay stagnate was gone. The desire to write more, record more, read more with a purpose grew.  What came first, the soybean, or the tofu?  The desire to write was internal and trapped. The title externalized what was dormant and hidden.

The most impactful aspects from the blog were sharing and talking with my daughter about what was learned.  She knows I read for pleasure.  She knows I read to write.  She knows I blog to share.  She knows I podcast to put thoughts and feelings and information into the world.  Therefore, she learned to read for pleasure, gain knowledge, and share what has been learned.

What was the weight failed to be recognized when creating the title “a better father”?  Better is moving and improving.  Better is more than… this moment, the next moment, the previous response.  Better does not allow for “good enough”.  Better implies a need for improvement. The weight of “a better father” is focus and determination to improve. Admitting the need to improve.  Something not easy for people to do.

“Are you a good father?”  I am getting better every day.

A Vegan Father… who never understood the weight of better, until there was a need to get better.

Posted. Not Perfect.

On 4/21/2021 a blog titled, “No Future Just The Present… Or Be Here Now” was published.  On 4/22/2021 Seth Godin published on his blog:

Ending it Gracefully:

Just about every business, every initiative and every intervention fails sooner or later. Since that’s demonstrably true, it’s worth considering how you intend to fail when the time comes. You can pull out every stop, fight every step of the way, mortgage your house and your reputation–and still fail. Or, perhaps, you can quit in a huff at the first feeling of frustration. The best path is clearly somewhere between the two. And yet, too often, we leave this choice unexamined. Deciding how and when to quit before you begin is far easier and more effective than making ad hoc decisions under pressure.  (Ending it gracefully | Seth’s Blog (seths.blog))

The morning was spent processing if this was in conflict or harmony with my post. Seth’s is about planning and be prepared for a possible future.  Not being caught off guard by the present.

After writing the post on 4/21 I remembered a story of a mother overseas that was trapped in an abusive relationship with her husband.  She would hide a little money here, a little there for years.  Then, when the timing felt right, took her daugther and fled (I will try and find the story*).  It would appear she was not in the present.  Saving and scrapping by for a possible future.

She did not pretend there was no future.  She just double downed on her present. Focusing on what she could do in her present.  Even though she could not know what tomorrow would bring. What she could influence was her.  She did that by doing her best not to upset her situation.  She had no idea if she would be discovered.  She did not know the daily actions, or reactions of an abusive husband.  She theorized a future with no date.  She focused on what she could in the present. With no true concept it would one day lead to a different future.  Just a hope that maybe it would.

Would I change anything from the past 9 nine years? Based on what was written two days ago and after processing Seth’s blog… no.  First, not possible. So, let that question go. It serves nothing and will only make things worse if you get caught in that spiral.  Second, there is no telling what the future will bring.  Be focused on the present.

The future is barely formed and created by today.  So much of tomorrow is out of our control.  Being ignorant of the future is not what was being written about.  It is about Ignoring the present, being too concerned about a future and the past.

In the present the choice is made to read  books on health, politics, the brain. With the goal it will make me a better person and a better father tomorrow.  The present informs the future, it does not predicate it. 

Could things have been different for the past 9 years for a better present?  Potentially.  The thing is to learn from the past, not wish to change it.  Where were the blind spots, moments to ask for help, to reach out instead of “go it alone”?  That is the pasts purpose.  Reflect and question in the present, to better understand what and why.

Learn from the past.  Live in the present. Understand there is a future.

Two years from now? There is no predicating what life will be like.  If it is good? Do we take credit for that? Praise our choices leading to that good?  If it is bad?  Blame the past?  Fear the future? When we live outside the present, it is easy to blame and be angry if things do not go well.  It allows for the creation of distance and not accepting. 

The present is all we have.  There is no controlling yesterday or tomorrow.  There is just now.  Take a walk or do not.  Call a friend or do not.  That is now. Focus on the now.  Fear of the future can break us.  Regrets from the past can break us.  In the present we are.

Seth’s blog post is understanding that the future is unknown.  After writing this and thinking it through, it is not in contrast to my post.  It is in compliment to it.  He is saying (better and more succinctly) that the future is unknown.  We need to plan and prepare now for what may come.  We do this by being present.

Of course, my daughter will go to school.  Of course, she will need to get her homework done.  Of course, she will have the option (hopefully) to go to college if she chooses.  Yet how that is handled today will shape how she views those options in her tomorrow.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… living in the present, aware there is tomorrow.

*I tried to find this specific story through Google.  It is a horrible rabbit hole of similar stories awfully familiar to the one written about here.  Unfortunately, this story represents far too many.

It is hard to put our phones down, ignore them, and not look at them.  This is not a technology rant.  Just stating.  Yesterday, driving my daughter to school, the phone was left at home.  She talked and talked.  Because of the phone not being in the car and distracting me?  Because she had a lot to say (while not seeing dad distracted)?  Would she have seen it and figured it wasn’t worth talking?  Cannot really say. 

What can be said is it was an amazing drive to school.  One of those drives where you learn a lot about this person you helped make. Because, as much as we like to pretend our child(ren) come first, how often are we staring at a screen?  This is not a rant about that either.

This is about the drive back, after dropping her off.  No iPhone.  No Marco Polo.  No Podcast.  No looking anything up (if one were to ever do that while driving.  Which, one would not).  Just driving and thoughts in the head. 

Which lead to a thought about something to do with the ex. No remembrance of what it was.  But there is an estimated 98% chance it was not a great thought, memory, or remembrance.  What did come from it was building on the philosophy to go with “What if…”. (You may have guessed it from the title.)

As the thought came in unwanted, the next thought was, “Ok… And?” (I really like ellipses).  That is it.  She did “x”, said “x”, acted “x”.  Have the thought.  Take the thought, then “Ok… And?” it.  That let the thought go.  Which is why the thought cannot be recalled.  It was let go. 

Maybe it was a thought about the time she said I was a bad parent. Ok… And?  That is it.  She is not the person that question should be presented to.  She is not the authority on that.  That is what she thinks.  It means nothing.  It is gone.

It was a freeing feeling.  It started to rule the day.  My boss doesn’t like me, “Ok… And?”.  Start looking for a new job (which I am).  Avoid her when you can.  Talk to people in the office who do like you and see your worth.  On and on.

So, if you have a moment where someone says something negative to you, treats you poorly, you remember something from an ex, on and on, just say, “Ok… And?”  See if that helps your brain let it go and move on. 

The other benefit is it can help you pause to resolve an issue or question.  It is a prompt for your mind to not focus on the negative but to come to resolution.  “X” happened at work.  Ok… And?  Well, I can talk with the person the issue happened with.  I can avoid the person.  I can ask if anyone else is having a problem.  I can. I can. I can. Our brains need something to get us out of a spiral.  This is mine.  It is yours now to, if you like.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… who had a better day.

Why focus on what is not? Sacrificing now for a tomorrow not guaranteed.  We work to prepare our children for their future.  We bring them to school. Set-up playdates. Make them study.  Keep them inside to prepare for college, work, a life we believe they should have.  Doing what we believe to be right, setting them up for a  successful future. 

Doing this, how often are we neglecting now? Telling ourselves it is to provide a better tomorrow?  Yet how many times have we been wrong about tomorrow? The thing is tomorrow is coming no matter what we do today.  There is no control over tomorrow.  No influencing what tomorrow brings. 

The cosmic joke is we are playing make believe.  Doing what feels right in the moment, in the hopes it somehow sets us up for a better tomorrow.  Yet, no matter how many times we work to believe we have control it can be taken away in a blink.

Everyday is an excuse to not do something. Call a parent.  An old friend.  Make a new friend.  Be shameless.  Be present.  Forgo pretense.  One of the worst “self-help” questions is:  What would you do if you had six months to live?  The point is to get you to focus differently on the things that matter in life.  However, in seven months the bills must be paid.  The answer of, “do copious amounts of cocaine, have as much sex as possible, and leave nothing behind”, does not really work.

Modifying the question in anyway does not work.  We cannot live that way.  Until we know we are dying (come find me then if I have a heads up).  The cosmic joke again, we are all dying.  When we die *poof*.  That is it (even you have beliefs outside of that, you are gone from earth).  Anything we have done or said means nothing. We no longer carry the weight of any past actions. Just… gone.

8 years ago, my life was great.  Then a choice was made that changed the definition of how “great” was defined.  Then a daugther that was never planned was born.  The definition of “great” got modified.  Then this.  Then that.  A rollercoaster.  Outside the bubble of her and I, nothing was happening that would be defined as “great”.

What does that have to do with “there is no future without the present”?  Ask me 8.5 years ago where I would be today.  Yup, nothing close to this moment.  Somewhere along those lines, the choice was made to focus on my daughter in our present.  Life outside of her was not good.  Focusing on the present was what it took to make it from one day to the next.  Be here now.  Get to bed.  Start over.  Be here now.  Get to bed.  Start over.

Had the future been the focus, chances are my daugther would have been ignored.  The days would have been fraught with worry by things outside of my control.

During the divorce I worried about the future.  When focusing on my daughter’s future wellbeing, the present was neglected.  The future envisioned crumbled to fear.  The present was lost in a haze.  The first few months being out of a bad situation sucked more than the bad situation.

Then the present came into focus.  The future does not exist.  Literally does not exist (and if it does in some crazy Matrix sort of way, it does not to our consciousness.  So, point stands).  The present is the focus. The future happens regardless of whatever we do today.   I have a bad habit of saying, “I could get hit by a bus tomorrow”.  Yet, the truth is, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.  Or pick your poison, which may literally be a poison. 

If this were to pass,  what is the last memory my daugther will have of me?  In our car, driving to school with her talking and talking and talking.  And me listening.  Not a fight. Not yelling.  Not an iPhone being chosen over her.  Not music in the car playing over her.  Just her talking and dad listening. That seems like a good memory to end on, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow.

If you want to talk about preparing for the future, about the importance of school, a degree, etc., then we can have that conversation.  For now, let us be right here, and see what the future brings.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… writing in the present.