966 – Listen To What They Are Telling You

I’ve said here often to be the example for them to follow. The other side of that coin is listen to what they are telling you. See what they are saying through their actions. If you want to know how to talk with your kid(s) listen to how they talk with their toys. Hear what they are saying to their friends. If you pay attention, you will then be able to talk with them the way they are telling 6you they want to be talked with.

The example of this would be, are they acting as the parent with their toys or friends? Then use that as a way to interact with them. They see themselves as the parent. Do they like to let others lead? Then, use that.

If you want to know how to talk with your child. Then listen to how they talk with others.

967 – Give Your Child Constructive Feedback Not Praise

This is exactly what an employer should do for an employee. If a manger wants to help an employee improve, build confidence and get better at their job, then they need to provide constructive feedback.

When a child shows you their art, praising them does nothing. Maybe a quick high, but it hangs there, then leaves. It’s empty, it’s hollow and it ultimately is a path to no where.

It is a assumed we want out kids to learn, and grow and improve. It is assumed we want what’s best for our child(ren). Somewhere along the line the idea of baseless, general praise was learned to be a good thing.

It’s not. It’s just not. It might seem scary at first. It might even feel cruel or weird, or unnatural to show your child where they did something “right” or well or “good” and what they could improve on.

Like anything worth doing it takes time and practice to get it right. Maybe that’s where praise comes in. It feels good. Requires no effort. And the parent / adult can feel they did “their job”. In reality it’s minimal effort and carries no weight.

Ask the child what they were trying to accomplish. Ask what they wanted from their art. Then provide the constructive feedback on how the eyes look great, where the arms are not the same length.

Really look at the *thing they did* and truly see it. See their effort. See their focus. Take an genuine interest in what they were trying to accomplish. Ask they questions about it. Ask specific questions. Constructive feedback isn’t a bad thing. It’s a growth thing. It’s an acknowledgment and investment thing.

Do not get discouraged if this takes time. It will be new for your and new for your child.

968 – Remember, First They Need to Learn

There seems to be a disconnect from the time a child is praised when they burp. Then crawl. Then walk. Then… then… then.

Then, at some point the learning seems to no longer be enough. Knocking over their cup. Coloring on the wall. Knocking over your cup. Spilling a box of cereal on the floor.

At some point we treat every “achievement” as if they discovered the cure for… well, everything, every time they do the thing. Then, it turns… wait, better said: Then we turn.

The mistakes are pointed out. The frustration comes out. “Don’t you know better” bounce off walls. “How could you?” Echo through halls. Forgetting what was learned… by the parent. Sometimes children do not know better. Sometimes they do. Yet, in these moments they they are just as stunned or confused as you. Their reaction depends on your reaction.

Learning doesn’t stop after they crawl, or talk, or walk. Hopefully, they are taught learning never stops. Children go from pedestal to jail in the blink of an eye. Children learn through example. Children learn by doing. Children learn by repeating. Children learn. And never stop. Until they are taught or told, or discouraged to stop learning.

Patience (see multiple previous posts). Know children are learning. Know children learn from doing. Know children need guidance and patience and kindness. More than they need mistakes pointed out. This is a great starting point. For them to have successes they need to fail, and try, and do. Then fail, and try and do again. Then fail, and try and do again. And again. And again.

So do you.

969 – Allow them to fail.

Giving your child room to fail allows them to grow. It also shows they are trusted. It teach them they can be trusted. Giving them space to try and fail is important.

An important part of this is in your reaction. Your reaction can not hold judgement or answers. It can not have a layer of “i told you so” or “see” (you know how “see” is said when said judgily).

That is how, not only kids, put people learn. Trial and error. Only, they will not get to the trial part if they do have a safe space to fail. Try. Fail. Repeat. Encouragement. Then again. And again. Then?

Let them lead. How are they feeling, what’s their reaction? Why are you even there? If you trust them, you give them space. If they don’t come to you, let it be. Whatever happened happened. Wait til they go to bed, then clean up. You can work on teaching them to clean up after the experience later. One thing at a time. For now. Safe space.

970 – Holiday’s can be a great opportunity to learn

There is the story we are told and the true story of how things came to be. Thanks to Microsoft’s Bing (yes, Bing), a great article popped up yesterday at work about the true origins of Easter. Immediately, printed and brought home for my daughter to read.

Turns out the story most know, isn’t the actual story. The roots, the origins, a little from column A, a little from column B. Then BAM! The modern mythology retold and repackaged.

This isn’t about Easter, or religion, or anything like that. This isn’t for or against religion, or Easter, or anything like that. This is about history and interesting true stories. Take the opportunity, to focus on an event, and explore it, print it, read about with your child.

This goes for the Fourth of July. Flag Day. Memorial Day. Labor Day. On and on. These stories. The real stories. The true stories are fabulously interesting, in most cases.

Plus, if you are open to it, you can discuss mythology, the origins of stories, how things change and modify over time. You can do all the things that have come to be associated with holiday “x” because, ya know most involve gifts. Yet, you can also learn and appreciate the origins of said holiday. That’s what we’ll do on what we’ve come to call Bunny Egg Day.

980 – Offer your child your coat (or hoodie)

My daughter insisted she didn’t need a coat. I disagreed and put on a zip up hoodie. Then, double checked to make sure she wouldn’t need something more than the shirt she was wearing. She insisted there was no need for anything more.

Shortly after this exchange, away from her coat, she said she was cold. I smiled. The gut reaction was to say, “I told you so” in some way. Pick your poison on which words could have been used to demean her, “teach her a lesson” or let her know she was wrong and I was right.

Instead, I paused… waited. Then asked, “would you like my hoodie?” To which she responded enthusiastically “yes!”. That was all that needed to happen. She knew everything that happened before. She knew there could have been an “I told you so” of varying degrees (I assume). Instead she received kindness. And a hoodie.

As for me? I was chilly. Yet, there now exists a few great pictures of my daughter looking cute in my hoodie. And an opportunity to show (teach) my daughter a nonjudgmental kindness. Worth it.

Next time you child is cold, no matter the reason, offer your child your coat, or hoodie, as the case may be.

981 – Ask for their opinion

This is their life. Our kids have views and thoughts. Wants and desires. When planning a trip, vacation, outing ask for their opinion. See what they would like to do. Where they would like to go. What they think would be fun.

Then, if it goes sideways, do not blame them for it. Do not say “but this is what you said you wanted.” There is a difference between holding accountable and blaming and shaming. This is where being the “adult” comes in. This is where you take the high road.

Things didn’t go as planned? Things didn’t work out the way you thought they could or should? You spent money that now feels wasted? Good.

Learn from this. Talk about it in the future for the next outing. Use it as an example to help on the next trip. They are a child and they thought they wanted “x” and you provided it. You gave them autonomy and choice.

I can hear and feel the doubts and questions and “yeah, buts” that so easily could be made in argument to this. YET… how many times did you mess up? Make a bad choice? Choose the wrong thing? Wasted money on something stupid? You acknowledge, recover, and move on. And if you didn’t. If a significant other pointed out your mistake, your bad choice, the wasted money, how did that make you feel?

One – Don’t do that. Learn from it. Help them develop an opinion muscle. Help them be able to share and express their opinions. Judgement and shaming will hole those opinions up and pack that independence up tight. Create wiggle room in your mind for things to go poorly. And know the investment is in them, not money, the vacation, or whatever your goal was.

982 – Talk about your family values. Create a mission statement.

Talk with your child about what matters to you. Ask them what matters to them. Create a conversation around the things that are important to all parties involved. Then, use that conversation as a springboard toward creating a family values / mission statement. Type it. Draw it. Collage it. Write it longhand. Make it fun.

Post it in a visible space. Make a practice of looking at it. Reading it together. Check in occasionally and see if anything should be or could be changed or adjusted as your child learns and grow. As you learn and grow. Keep a copy of the previous version and put it in a less conspicuous place. Occasionally look it over and talk about how and why values can and may change.

983 – Don’t wing it.

We go to school to learn to read, write and learn math (presumably). We are given on the job. We go to college to be able to work a better job (presumably). We take a driving class and take a test to get a license. Then we have to retake the test and get an eye exam every few years to renew it.

Parenting? Have a kid. There ya go. No follow-up. No test. No reexamination.

I am of the opinion there is no “right way”. No “better” or “best” way to raise a child. Yet, there are plenty of books that claim a better way to act, react, talk to, inform, deal with on and on. Read them. Read as many as you can. Listen to podcasts and audiobooks. No one makes you learn how to be a parent, but knowledge is power. The more you have to work with, the better your chance of making a better choice in the moment.

Don’t wing it. Work at it.

984 – Teach them they will fall down. No matter who they are. No matter their station in life. Falling down is part of life and is unavoidable.

Then teach them, no matter how many times they fall down, the only thing that matters is they get up once more than the number of times they fall.