It is about how we view things.  It is about how we perceive things. It is about how we enter a situation.  It is about the internal dialogue created.  Good or bad.  You choose.

How dare you?  How could you?  What is wrong with you?  The hurt questions come out. One after the other.  The walls and defenses are up. Metaphorical fists at the ready.  Then.  Nothing.

Alone and hurt.  Alone and scared.  Alone.  Looking at this new world created by another.

Stop.

There is a choice in front of  you.  One where you are in control.  One where you accept your role and responsibility.  One where you come to understand this is life.  Not good.  Not bad.  Just life.

Life is like waves.  Big waves.  Small waves.  Violent waves.  Calm waves.  Destructive waves. Waves of life and growth.

Waves are not looking to harm.  They are not looking to bring life and growth.  They just are.  It is no more reasonable for us to get upset at the circumstances of life, than it is for a fish to be upset at waves for washing it ashore.

We attribute human characteristics to things to make sense of them.  To better understand them.  We are here or not.  We care. Things do not.

“So, life, what do you have for me next?”

“Nothing.”

“Then this is it.  It’s done?”

“If you choose.”

“If I choose?  Look at what you’ve done to me!”

“If you say so.”

“So, you accept no responsibility?”

“So, you accept no responsibility?”

This post started last night because the conclusion was determined there will be no more buying comic books.  All but six comic book preorders were deleted.  Most of those were for my daughter.  (Find a situation where she will not get more books.  You cannot.)  There was a reflexive moment of sadness, pity, hurt, anger.  Of blame.  Of choice.  A choice to focus on what matters.

I did not lose anything these past ten years (well, kind of, but that is another post).  There was a gained perspective.  A choice to learn from this and focus on what matters.  To look at the path and life being created pre-daugther.  To honestly look in the mirror and say, “I like this version better.”

So, what is my reasoning?  To be a better father.  To be a better person.  To be a better example.

A Vegan Father… accepting responsibility for this life.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

with all your might

a splash so big

a smile to match

before you go

remembered so

No one ever said parenting would be easy.  In fact, what we tend to hear is how difficult parenting is.  “The hardest job you will ever love”.  Whatever that means.  Yet, as a parent trying to be a better father there is a lifetime of lessons to be unlearned.  Lessons wrongly learned, misinformed, misconstrued, the list goes on.  There is also the stigma of how society views the desire to be a good parent.  Lip service.  Not action.

That is why podcasts like The Daily Dad and Scott Galloway’s No Malice; books like Searching for Bobby Fischer and Teaching to Transgress; and emails like Parenting.com, the list goes on for each area, are subscribed to.  Each one being ingested in hopes of tips and tricks to better navigate parenting.  A little something that sticks.  A word of wisdom.  A parenting thought that makes being a better father a little easier.

A filter has developed where things get passed through the desire to be a better father.  The current book being read is “Spark” by Claudia Kalb.  The subtitle:  How Genius Ignites, From Child Prodigies to Late Bloomers.  This is for me and for my daughter.  The common thread so far with child prodigies has been active, involved parents. 

It feels as if concepts like helicopter parenting, bulldozing parenting, anything to do with active parenting, is being used as a derogatory term from previous generations.  Generations past that are now being called to task for their lack of parenting. It has become shaming to try and be a good parent.  Can helicopter parenting and bulldoze parenting be taken too far?  Maybe.  But if you are going to err, maybe erring on the side of being overly attentive is an adjustment for kids (now parents) having been given a key to the house and taught to use the microwave and told “good luck” from age 3.

Taking in books, podcasts, newsletters, etc. random thoughts occur about what may have been missed in my childhood.  Reading “Spark” has created a rabbit hole of thoughts around what I wish were different for my childhood.  Not in an ego way. In a self-improvement, what can be taught to my daughter kind of way.

A thought that stood out from reading “Spark” was a wish to have been taught to say, “I am wrong” and be okay with failure. Concepts that were not given attention.  Dictionary.com defines parenting as: [ˈperənt]; VERB; parenting (present participle) – be or act as a mother or father to (someone).”the warmth and attention that are the hallmarks of good parenting”; synonyms: bring up · be the parent of · look after · take care of · rear · raise · nurture

Reading through the Google search to define parent and parenting brings up similar, but differently worded versions of “to parent” and “parenting”.  None of them define parenting using the word “Teacher”.  Which seems to be the main job of a parent.  As a parent our job is to teach to: love, be loved, know what is safe, what can cause harm.  How to crawl, walk, run.  How to add and subtract.  How to fail and pick themselves back up.  Then to fall back down.  How to read and ride a bike. 

Maybe parents “helicopter parent” because they were never taught to teach. So, they are learning.  Helicoptering being a direct result of the fear of having fallen and had no one there to teach us it is okay to fall.  Then how to get back up.  We would rather catch, then watch fall.  Previous generations desire to shame today’s parenting is the definition of narcissism (Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s idealized self-image and attributes. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. Narcissism or pathological self-absorption was first identified as a disorder in 1898 by Havelock Ellis and featured in subsequent psychological models, e.g., in Freud’s On Narcissism. The American Psychiatric Association has listed the classification narcissistic personality disorder in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders since 1968, drawing on the historical concept of megalomania).  Their way was right, so our way must be wrong.

Learning to say, “I was wrong” and to be okay with failure does not typically just happen.  For most of us it must be learned.  It is learned by someone taking the time to teach and be an example.  It takes failing, looking at the child and saying, “That was okay.  Now, let us try again.”  As pop culture as it is, Yoda was wrong.  There is no do or do not.  There is only trying. Then trying again. 

Bruce Lee never wanted to be called “Master”, because once at the top there is only one way to go… down.  His idea was to stay forever the student.  To always be teaching and learning.  Never the master.  Something he learned from philosophy and teachers.  Something that can be taught and shared with my daugther.  Now, a choice you can make to share with you and yours.

A Vegan Father… a person who learned to be oaky with failure.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

The past year has been an exploration of purpose, understanding and growth.  From that came the conclusion our brains are shite.  Complex.  Amazing.  Not fully understood… shite.  This is not the brain’s fault.  

The human brain evolved to protect us.  It taught us fear. To be weary. To find danger around every corner.  It taught us to be skeptical.  Those that ventured outside the cave were brave explores.  Those that stayed inside the cave did not get eaten.

While our brains are complex, amazing, biological mysteries, its purpose is basic. Keep us alive and protected.  Unfortunately, in the modern world, basic can be manipulated.  Manipulated to benefit others for personal gain.  Thousands of years ago our brains evolved to a world it could not predict nor prepare for.

An understandable attitude would be feeling defeated at how easily we (our brains) are manipulated.  What power does an individual have against billions of dollars and multi-international corporations using Ivy League graduates to get us to click “like” or scroll another minute?  We are helpless bags of mush.  Controlled by a brain that wants to be stimulated, liked, and most importantly feel safe.

Once this revelation came to be understood, the resolution to the problem became possible.  The resolution: Instead of letting company “x” manipulate our brains for gain, we manipulate our brains for gain. This can be done without turning to artificial stimulation (drugs, alcohol, porn, sadness, etc). The solution: physical reminders of how shite our brains are.

First, admit our brains are shite.  At least in the context of the modern world.  They do not serve us well.  They can though.  Like many things worth doing, it takes time and effort.  Hence, the reading, the podcasts, conversations, writing etc.  

Second, decide what your desired outcome/result is, not for the long-term. Today.  Right now. With life, job, love, whatever.

For example, “I don’t want to buy things I don’t need”.  “I don’t want to get upset at my daugther for being a kid and making kid mistakes”.  “I don’t want to be angry.”  “I want to be a good citizen.”  “I want to be kind to others.”  Pick your desired outcome or focus.

Third, pick a prompt.  A good one from Marcus Aurelius , “Is this essential?”  It has worked in multiple ways, on multiple occasions over the past few of weeks. The tricky part?  How to make sure our chosen prompt is accessible and available when needed.  If it is not there to draw upon when needed, then it is too late, mush brain loses to marketing, advertising, sadness, pick your poison.

I recently wrote about quotes and not liking them.  They can be “good”, inspirational, fun, entertaining, whatever.  Ultimately, they are a dopamine hit that does nothing more than give a dopamine hit.  There are too many.  They come and go like the morning dew.

That is why it is important for less.  Find something that helps you focus.  One that will be there when you need it.  Something you can tattoo on your body.  A note to tape on your credit card, so you see it every time you pull it out to use it.  A popup reminder on your phone that says, “Is this essential?” every half hour.

The modern world can work for us.  We can use tools they created to manipulate us to manipulate ourselves.  We also must use their words.  Which can suck.  No one wants to think they are being controlled.  That they are doing something outside of the choice they are making.  That is for you to come to terms with.  Realize it.  Admit it.  Get over it.  Then use their words.  Power comes from running, denying, ignoring.  When we do those things, our brains lose.  We may not want to admit it, but we must.

Recently, I wrote about making an impulse purchase for a Disney Princess Castle set for my daugther.  After giving myself a few minutes to think it over, it was cancelled.  When something from Amazon gets ordered, pick the longest shipping time.  Impulse purchases are made from price drops, sadness, stimulation, being tired, on and on.  With a buffer in place (One it feels like a small role in not making Amazon workers pee in bags. Two, it creates less of an impact on travel, shipping, gas, etc.  Anything I order gets sent the following Friday, typically, all together.  Third…) there is room to rethink the purchase being made.  Time to cancel if something is deemed to be non-essential.

All this to control our brains.  Companies put a lot of work getting us to impulse buy. To see ourselves feeling better, being sexier, finding love, being fit with little to no effort, the list goes on.  The fix is relatively simple.  For me, “Is This Essential?” has been a good prompt to reasonable outcomes.  Just make sure you have it where you need it.  If not, you give yourself room to cancel or return it, when you get it home and realize, this is not essential.

A Vegan Father… learning what is essential.

Posted. Not Perfect.

In Dante’s Divine Comedy, how did Virgil escape from Hell? By going to the lowest pit. – The Question

Bruce Lee: Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.

Why is there a need for things?

Unneeded things

things to collect

to possess

to own and control

just things

nothing beyond this life

a subtle joy

a moment of bliss

goals taught to achieve

posts for other to judge success

(whatever that means)

what are we teaching?

what examples are being set?

we are the expectations

the values

of the

those that raised us

if we cannot be the example

of those that come next

get out of the way of

generation next

“It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

“Courage, intellect, all the masterful qualities, serve but to make a man more evil if they are merely used for that man’s own advancement, with brutal indifference to the rights of others. It speaks ill for the community if the community worships these qualities and treats their possessors as heroes regardless of whether the qualities are used rightly or wrongly.” – Teddy Roosevelt’s

There is a disconnect with what we say we believe.  What we say we value.  What we are told is important.  When you read Teddy Roosevelt’s speech above, if you are like me, there is a rush of adrenaline.  A desire to be the person in the arena.  Bloody, covered in dirt. Broken and battered.  Not beaten. 

That is what we are told to admire.  Yet, courage is subjective.  Intellect is made fun of. Disregarded.  Evil is not black and white, or easily identifiable.  We are told it is okay to reach our hand out. Not knowing it is from a person willing to cut it off to serve their own purpose. Never knowing why.

It is easy to read Teddy’s words and feel defeated, not inspired.  Is there honor in being the person standing “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”? We are taught a “worthy cause” is to give to your company not your family.  We are taught to be a good parent we need to spend our time to have more money to get more things. Instead of investing time in our family, having less money.

A good parent provides material possession, screen time, and money.  The balance of childcare, personal time, raising a child, having a career, being a good parent. On the list goes.  What society looks at is not the quality of parenting, but the quantity of the bank account.  Tell someone you make less money to parent more; you will get looks and questions about your child’s future. What are you providing for them?  Tell someone you are working 60 hours a week, making 100,000 a year, giving up time with your child, but paying others to raise them in a big home, you will get accolades for “winning at life”.

Reading and rereading Teddy’s quote, it feels as if we interpret his quote today differently than what he meant. These thoughts on Teddy’s quote are not meant to be defeatist, or sarcastic.  I want to be the blooded marred person in the arena.  It would be great for my daughter to read that and feel inspired. 

 Maybe, that is the answer.  Maybe Teddy’s words do not ring true today the way they did then. Maybe, it is up to us to change what it means to be “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”. Playing with my daughter outside.  Spending money on paints, paper, crayons.  Having to buy clearance, instead of new.  Having to stay home, instead of traveling to Disney World.

We are fighting personal battles. In the end, maybe that is what Teddy meant.  Maybe, it is not about rejecting the hand reaching down, but being the hand doing the reaching. Or, excepting the hand when we need it.  “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”. More hypothetical than reality.  Inspired words to persist.  To try.  To define what working hard is to you.

Who we read.  Who we listen to.  Whose information we let into our minds and lives.  Influence matters.  Examples matter.  If you never see a father being successful at being a father.  Then you have no barometer for what a good father looks likes.  If you were told what a good father looks like and that was a bad example, then you are confused when you see a good father. Confusion breeds insecurity, anger, adverse reactions.  And that all depends on what you consider to be good or successful.

It would be easy to say there are no easy answers.  That we struggle and work and fight to figure out this life.  We can argue and debate what is good or what success looks like.  That is an excuse.  An out.   A way to not have to work at this life.  Good excuses can be clever.  They are never success.

These past eight years were “…marred with sweat and dust and blood…”. I am still cleaning up.  Yet, it did not break me.  That is the lesson to my daughter.  Get back in the arena.  Let them release their worst.  Like River in Serenity*, holding the axe tighter, at the ready.  Like Rocky fighting Apollo, “Ding. Ding”.

A Vegan Father…”who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”  That is my example to my daugther. 

Post. Not Perfect.

* Serenity (9/10) Movie CLIP – It’s Finished (2006) HD – YouTube : at 2:22.  That one moment is the clip in my head, standing in the arena.

Titles are given for various reasons.  Titles are bestowed on some for one reason or another.  As we grow, we are provided the titles for those in our lives.  Those titles have definitions.  Those titles have purpose.  Those titles become engrained.  They form the foundations for how people are perceived in our lives. The titles help shape who we interact with and how we interact with them.

What gets missed, is that titles are completely made up.  Like many things we are taught or told in this world, those titles are replaceable, or easily dismissed.  We need to learn it is okay to let some things go.  Instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, because of a title. 

Mom.  Dad.  Father.  Mother.  Grandmother.  Grandma.  Grandfather.  Grandpa.  Aunt.  Uncle.  Priest.  Clerk.  Police Officer.  Mailman.  Mailwoman.  Mail person. Teacher.  Principle

Titles carry a certain amount of weight and expectation with them.  Yet, what we are told and the reality behind those titles is completely subjective.  They have weight because we are told to give them weight.  Therefore, they are given weight.

Regardless of the title someone is given it is ultimately people wearing those titles. People are flawed.  We are told to not keep “bad” people in our lives.  That if someone is doing us harm, we should cut them loose.  Yet, if that someone has a title in our lives, then we are told not to do that.  That we cannot let someone go because they are “family”.

Yet, family can be bad, messed up, broken, harmful and toxic.  Just like that “bad” friend from high school. Sometimes, we  need to get away from them before they drag us down.

This is not something easily learned.  It goes against what we are taught from birth.  How much pain and misery could be averted if we learned sooner, it was okay to break ties?  This is not about running away at the first sign of a problem, a bump, or a disagreement.  This is not about neglecting the work relationships take.  This is not about a fight at a holiday, or from a relationship that is not approved of. 

This is about toxicity.  About identifying something that is not productive or helpful in our lives.  This is about learning, that sometimes, you need to cut ties.  This is about teaching and providing permission to cut ties if the toxic in your life happens to have a title.

A Vegan Father… evaluating what is working and what is not working in is life.  Learning, it is okay to say goodbye.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

Every morning starts by writing in Neil Pasricha’s 2 Minute Morning Journal.  Every page has the same prompts.  It starts with “I Will Let Go Of…” (There is also “I am grateful for… and “I will focus on”…).  Somedays there is nothing to write.  Nothing to let go of.  Almost to an “f-you” type of comment.  Why do this if it is the same prompts everyday day?

But… think on it.  Sometimes writing, ”I have nothing to let go of today”.  Then, the next day starts the same prompt. It reminds me of the scene in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams’ character says to Matt Damion’s character “it’s not your fault” over and over.  Matt’s character starts with “I know”.  Then gets upset.  Then pushes him.  Then… Robin’s character gets through and Will cries and holds him.  That thought is when it was decided to write in the journal for as long as I can.  There are other journals to supplement the 2 Minute Journal.  But the 2 Minute Journal is the daily constant.

It has become my Robin Williams.  The repeated questions, until they break through.  Forcing the brain to be pushed in a particular way.  We should be asking ourselves the same questions everyday. It is a way of checking in to see where life is and how things have changed.  And sometimes, the answer is “not today” and that is okay.  It will be there tomorrow and the next day for when “I will let go of…” needs addressed that day.

A Vegan Father… repeating until it breaks through.

Posted. Not Perfect.

she did not choose to see

the desire

to raise our daughter

as anything more than lacking