Went through a lot with someone i was convinced was my person. They were not. But all the work i’ve done since them, the next person i spend my time with is getting an upgrade.

From: I Always Think It’s Forever by Timothy Goodman

Somewhere, some when my voice became stuck.  A failure to launch.  It rests between never and hardly.  Inside my mind, rarely set free.  Saying things no one should hear.  Sounds that echo and reverberate inside my skull.  Words that escape are hollow, cracked, languid often stunted by tears.

I say this in wonder if my voice were set free, finding open, external sound, if the noise in my head would calm down?  I am aware.  The happy, helpful tricks all there.  The hinderance crossing that bridge leave me unable to answer the guard’s riddle.  The critic doubts.  The worrier burrows. On this side wrapped in fear, anger, sadness. The disgust plants, wondering if the voice of joy is… there.

The thought of my voice makes me feel small.

mind wanders past this moment

held clear

anything more 

beyond able

to handle

things mean more

mean nothing

a moment of growth

held dear

held near

better alone 

home 

no thinking of …

is 

or 

isn’t here

stop the tears 

before finding air

getting use to 

trying

not thinking 

getting use to 

holding 

moments

held clear

can’t think 

the world is big 

time is not

can we do this 

without

… near

You don’t want to stay

Nor Push through

Head above water

Float

Keep here

Until what’s next

You don’t have to believe

You don’t have to think

There’s nothing more

“Hold on” is not what you want to hear

“It’ll get better with time” is not what you need to hear

Float

Don’t see clearly

Don’t hear what others say

Won’t help

Won’t make it better

Won’t get you through

Float

When you can’t stand

When you can’t breath

When you can’t move

When you can’t see tomorrow

What’s next

What’s possible

Float

Nothing more

Nothing less

Nothing was

Nothing will be

Float

No past

No present

No future

Do nothing

Float

If you float

You don’t give up

Don’t let go

If you stay long enough

your body will say

swim home.

We justify bad. There is no need to justify good. Too often religion justifies bad; claiming it good.

Being ready is not a state of being. It is not a line with a starter gun telling you when to go. Ready is learned as part of the process after you’ve begun.

Recently I was at a friend’s house, Fox (news) was on.  It was a late-night show. I was told it was more popular than all other late-night shows.  When in Rome.  I started watching.  There were a few standout segments, but one segment about Starbucks stood higher.

They were discussing the story about Starbucks closing stores in areas on the West Coast.  The Fox Host said it was due to Starbucks open door policy for bathroom use and an increase in crime and drug use in said bathrooms.

The host showed an article from a newspaper to discuss the Starbucks story.  Which newspaper isn’t remembered.  It was a story floating around on multiple news sites.  These articles were seen earlier that week.

As the Fox commentators discussed the story, they were bragging about their lack of knowledge around the facts and information about it.  It seemed as if the only information they had on the story was the title of the newspaper article.

There were a few minutes of discussion and comments on the story.  It broke down to:  How Starbucks’ liberal policies and need to have their bathrooms be non-gendered-open-to-everyone and woke policies put the employees at risk, harmed Starbucks and created an issue for Cops (with comments on liberal views about cops).  The worst part being, now it was going to put mom and pop coffee shops at risk. Because all the “criminal drug addicts” were going to go the mom and pop shops and put those employees at risk. (Not my view, the commenters on Fox.). In summary:  Starbucks’ “woke” policies put “mom and pop” coffee shops at risk.

My view:

Starbucks tried something.  They looked at a situation that was happening nationally and said, “maybe this is a solution”.  Instead of men’s washrooms and women’s washrooms, we’ll have “All gender” washrooms. No other label required.  They were responding to a situation that happened in one of their stores.  An issue that caused some backlash (Fox had many comments and views on that when it happened).

There are places on the West Coast, including where Starbucks is shutting down cafes, that are having increased issues with crime.  This is a problem that needs to be addressed.  So, Starbucks is making a choice to close stores because of this (Aldi’s is shutting down at least 2 stores in the Chicago area due to crime issues. That’s another topic and story, just saying Starbucks isn’t unique.)

Now, let’s say Starbucks did mess-up.  Let’s say this is just a multi-billion-dollar corporation being overly liberal / sensitive and getting bit in the butt.  So, they close.  While it may be possible for those criminals to now relocate to mom-and-pop coffee shops, so can the customers and the employees.  People still want coffee.  They need somewhere to go.

Let’s say Starbucks is the horrible liberal mined place while providing free Wi-Fi and a table to sit at (again, Fox host comments), they are now no longer in the area.  Shouldn’t that be celebrated?  All that money will go to local businesses.  Theoretically, those businesses do better and need to hire more employees.  There just happens to be a bunch of unemployed baristas looking for work.  Now, mom and pop shops have well trained employees to hire and more money to make. They can adjust their policies to learn from the “mistakes” Starbucks made.  Not to mention, there’s one less place cops have to protect and can more easily help keep an eye on local businesses.

There was a failure to mention all the places Starbucks isn’t experiencing issues with this policy.  I would say the issue isn’t Starbucks, but crime in certain areas.  Starbucks trying to do right, didn’t cause crime.  Crime in the area caused crime in the area (again, a much bigger issue and not the point of this writing).  There is a minimum of six Starbucks within 15 minutes of where I live (not the point of this writing, but holy geez).  All of them have non-gendered bathrooms.  All of them I can walk into and sit down, with a drink I brought, and start reading, writing, chatting, chilling, watching.  Heck, they’ll even fill my cup with hot water for free and I can add my own teabag (did you know that?).  And none of them are shutting down.  They are not dealing with crime in a way that may cause them to shut down soon.  

Non-gendered bathrooms are not the issue.  As got up and walked away from the TV that night sadness crept over me.  Someone was laughing.  The people on the TV were laughing.  And, one can only assume, millions of other people were laughing in their homes.  Being led to believe Starbucks, trying a thing, wasn’t doing the right thing (in the commenters opinions).  That being decent and open and accepting and creating a space for a man or woman or a non-binary person or a how-ever-you-identify person to use whatever toilet was free is wrong.  The Fox commenters saying, Starbucks creating a safe space, saying come sit (or stand) and feeling welcome here is wrong.

That’s how harm grows.  That’s why I think the way I do.  That’s why I don’t laugh at those I don’t agree with and sometimes don’t laugh at those I do agree with.  Laughter is supposed to be a good thing.  A thing that connects and unites us.  Laughter is supposed to release stress.  A moment of levity and calm.  Not like that.  I didn’t realize it until then, and one can only assume I’m very late to this understanding, but laughter can unite in a bad way.

As the title says, it’s about perspective.  We can choose to see a few Starbucks closing as a kick to liberals, liberal policy, or however you choose to label it.  Or we can see it as unfortunate to the area, to the rising crime, to the employees that are losing their jobs, to a Starbucks CEO that learns the wrong lesson, or make a harsh judgment call in light of feedback like those on Fox.  Or we can see it as benefiting the other coffee shops in the area.  Bringing more business to an area with one less mega brand.  Or an opportunity to call attention to the crime in the area and the need to help.  Or it can be a mix of all four, or the next four.

Whatever it is, all I can say is what was seen and heard on Fox that night didn’t seem right, feel right, or lead to a solution or insight.

before now

pictures fill everything

lost film 

good or bad

pictures existing only in mind

weaker moments… missing that

weaker moments… wishing they existed to go through

in the mind, moments fade

yet refuse to let go

in weaker moments… those pictures show wanted changes

moments to take back…

on the couch

at the door

tears do not blur memories

(Ask them questions only to hear them talk and nothing more.)

Last night we were going through the normal bedtime routine: Brush Teeth. PJ’s. Play Harry Potter Dolls. Say “Lights Out”. Beg for just “five more minutes” of “doooollllssssss”. Five more minutes. Then mouth story, usually a Harry Potter made-up story. Some squirreling around. Lights out and sleep shortly after.

Last night was slightly different. Mouth story was maneuvered (somehow) to asking her questions.

It started with questions about what she liked about friends, or school, past teachers. Innocent this or that questions. The questions continued as she kept sharing. It was kept low key and focused. Every once in awhile throwing in a “bigger” life question. It was amazing. She kept sharing. One answer after another. The conversation grew and expanded.

Lying on the floor next to her bed as she drifted off, I wondered when the last time she was asked questions on her terms. Wondered when she was respected with questions she invited. No relatives throwing random unwanted questions one after another at her. Questions that seemed engaging, but failed to considered her and what she wanted in the moment. Questions from teachers, and friend’s parents and parent’s friends. People fishing for self-interest, not to actually know or understand her as a person.

Maybe, as the night drifted closer to sleep, I started to over think those precious minutes before bed.

Over thinking the moment? To harshly judging other’s engagement? Regardless, her engagement and willingness to share said nice things about the moment we were in.

Who can you ask honest questions to in your life? To whom can you provide this gift? This moment of asking, of letting them talk. No agenda. No expectations. When was the last time you stumbled into someone asking you to ask more?

965 – When drawing your child’s bath, only fill it a quarter of the way full, since you’ll never get the temperature right. This allows you wiggle room for them to tell you what temperature feels good AND allow them to have running bath water to play in.