Prodigy.  An online “math” “game” my daughter’s school uses. “It is a great way to teach kids math”, they said.  “It helps them learn the fundamentals of math”, etc. etc.

I did not like it.  I do have my screen bias and that needs to be taken into consideration when critiquing these things.  It just seemed like another way to keep kids on a screen even after they have been on a screen for hours with “regular school.”

Talking with my daughter about what she did on / with Prodigy was answered with, “I just wander around”, “I like to buy things after I’ve collected enough coins”, “I just move my character around until my mom says I’ve done my time”.  So, on and so forth.

I did not understand the point of Prodigy.  It did not seem to be teaching anything math related. Another online screen distraction.  Wasted time.  When my daugther is with me she is coloring, creating, making up stories, reading books, outside playing, drawing stories, etc.  It seemed ridiculous to force her onto a screen that was supposed to be about math.  Yet did not seem to really have anything to do with math.

An email came through yesterday from CCFC (Campaign for a commercial-free childhood; Prodigy – Campaign for Commercial Free Childhood ).  Talking about all the issues I had with Prodigy (and plenty more I was unaware of).  It reminded me that my daugther and her mom were talking about working on a way for my daugther to earn money to buy a subscription to Prodigy.  Turns out that is very problematic for many reasons.

This is a hard time.  Parents and teachers and students are trying to figure out how best to handle school and learning.  We are doing this in the hopes of helping our children continue to learn.  Yet, teaching them to be addicted, to stare a screen and tell them it is teaching math, when they know it is not, does not seem a good place to be.

This is a bump.  A mistake.  It can be fixed.  It can be corrected.  Why not give students a pencil and paper and say “write, draw, whatever”?  Why default to addictive screen games and lying to ourselves that they are benefiting our children in any positive way? 

Please, click the link and read.  Learn about the dangers and consequences.  Even if you do not have kids, this is being done to you through other apps, games, online content.  There is good information on the internet.  Be aware nothing is free.  These people are not trying to help educate America’s youth.  They are trying to make money.  “Free” comes at cost.  Right now, it is our children’s attention, time, creativity, critical thinking, and future ability to say “no”.

Prodigy – Campaign for Commercial Free Childhood

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

“Do or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda.

A great quote.  A fun compact one.  Its showed up in books, seminars, motivational speeches.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.”

Completely wrong, but it shows the dangers of repeating a fun, quippy quote that rolls off the tongue.  You still see it in Instagram feeds, Twitter, etc.

A better version may be, “You will never know until you try”.  “Try you must, before you learn if you can or can not do”. Or, maybe, “Try you must.”

That seems better.  This topic kept coming into my head while meditating this morning as my coffee steeped.  Twenty years ago was the first time I tried to mediate.  It had come up in books, audiobooks, etc.

Back then, my mind wandered.  Thoughts jumped all over.  Concentration was lacking.  It was pushed aside.  Do to thinking “that didn’t work” or “guess I can’t do that”. Another thing given up due to lack of understanding. 

There was no do or do not.  There was only trying.  And trying. And trying.  And keep trying. Time hadn’t been taken to understand more about meditating. To understood that was the point.  The mind will wander. That is okay.  Bring it back.  The point is not to have a clear and blank mind to reach a “Zen state”.  It is to sit and do the work.  To try and try again.

To conclude.  To understand… Trying is doing.

Posted. Not Perfect. A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world

Excuses. They keep you from making progress.  Clutter.  It keeps you from making progress or gives you the excuse to not make progress.

Yesterday started with a “big clean”.  A reorganization.  It dawned on me that the living room was made to focus on the TV. Not conversation.  Not connection, but disconnection.  You sit and not only is it a habit to turn on the TV. The set-up is a trigger to zombie out.  To leave it on.  What if the living room was set up for conversation and connection?  What if the inconvenience was the distraction (TV) and not focus?

After starting adjustments and rethinking (still in progress)) there was a giant pile of junk left over.  Cords, outlets, surge protectors.  It would not be obnoxious to say there was over $100 in unneeded, unwanted cords and plugs and surge protectors in a pile.  Simply for... plugging (distractions) stuff* in.  Yet, they were all being used for the past year in some way.  Plugs lurking in the corner, begging to be used.

That is the next rethink, what is all this stuff for?  As the habits and routines get modified and changed, what is the reason for all this stuff?  The plugs and surge protectors?  More stuff not needed.  How many plugs and surge protectors for iPads and iPhones and computers and kindles and on and on are needed?  

Now, please do not mistake that thought. I like my iPad and Kindle and iPhone.  Yet, needing them charged and ready to always be on?  To have a life revolve around always keeping these devices on and charged and ready?  That is the problem.  

What happens if their charge runs out?  Depends on your thought process.  I used to have and probably do still have cord somewhere that was purchased specifically to be long enough to reach from the outlet to the bed.  Why? In case a device was being used so much that the battery was dying. The cord could be used to charge and continue device use.  Years ago that seemed revolutionary.  Now? Heartbreaking.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

* youtube george carlin on stuff – – Video Search Results (yahoo.com)

What does a “time out” teach?  What was the reason for giving the time out?  Normally, I would say the child “made a mistake”, whatever the perceived mistake was.  Okay?  So, what?

A child writes on a wall.  Mistake. Punishment – Time out.

Your child hits another kid. Mistake. Punishment – Time out.

Your child yells, plays with the wrong things, talks back, tries something – fails (that something is our perceived shouldn’t do thing).  Punishment – Time out.

A child tried something.  Expressed themselves.  Mirrored the behavior of their parent, a friend, a friend’s parents, a cartoon, people on TV. Maybe, it was just their feelings in that moment. Either way… perceived “mistake”.  Punishment – Time out.

Parents for the past 20-30 years tried something new from their parents.  The previous generation’s response: a literal “in my day we didn’t coddle kids like that” etc. etc. 

Did those parents go to far?  Probably.  Should every kid get a trophy?  No. Parents were trying to learn (i.e., correct) from their childhood.  They did not want their kids to feel the same way they were made to feel.

We learn.  We grow.  We should not revert to previous mistakes.  That is what “time outs” feel like. We should talk to our children, not to coddle, but to teach.  Time outs accomplish nothing.  Sitting.  Thinking. Teaching.  Time out is harmful.  Calming down is not.  Better words.  Different actions.  Changed perspective of the child and parent.

One day, my daugther “lost it”.  Yelling and crying.  She was 3 maybe 4.  Anything I said or did made it worse.  We were in the kitchen.  She was pressed against the stove screaming.  Red faced.  With nothing else to do, I sat down.  Maybe two feet between the stove and sink.  I wanted the crying to stop.  I wanted whatever caused this to be fixed.  I wanted her to listen to me and do what I said to do (whatever that was, obviously a huge deal, as I have no idea what it was).

I sat; legs crossed (crisscross applesauce).  Hands on legs.  Eyes closed (eye contact made her angrier).  Breathing in and out.  Focusing on the light behind my eyes.  Screaming.  Focus on the light.

Eventually, she stopped.  I feared moving.  She walked over and sat on my lap.  Curled into me.  I held her.  A few minutes passed.  We moved on.  That was it.  No time out.  No “I’m right and you are wrong”.  No “if you want something to cry about”, “go to your room until you calm down”, etc. etc.

Calm. Patience. Time.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Live Talks LA is a great place for talks and conversations (livetalksla.org).  From their website: “A series of on-stage conversations featuring writers, actors, musicians, humorists, artists, chefs, scientists and thought leaders in business.”

Yesterday I listened to the conversation between Judd Apatow and Yuval Harari (ynharari.com).  It was a great hour of conversation.  Yuval’s answer to a question about time spent and being addicted to our “devices” was insightful.

One part of the answer that stuck out was, “… you can spend an hour scrolling through Twitter being controlled by other people’s thoughts, reactions and influence.  OR you can spend an hour meditating and be happier” (paraphrasing there, but not by much).

We can regain control of ours minds, our body, and our time.  First, we must acknowledge we have lost control.  It is not easy to admit.  We must first be willing to say we are not in control. Which is in part how we lose control.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Cal Newport (calnewport.com) was asked recently on his podcast how to not end up in a “YouTube rabbit hole” when you log on for a specific reason.  Cal complimented YouTube for all it has to offer. He also acknowledged it addictive nature through “recommendations” and “auto play”.  Apparently, there are blocks to stop showing the “recommendations” on the right (there is no link, because I cannot speak to any of them, but a quick search showed they do exist).

The point it, we have choice.  It is our life after all.  We need to be aware of when those choices are being made for us.  And actively pull ourselves out.  There are tools available if we need the help. 

When it comes to our children?  We can keep them from getting addicted in the first place.  Teach them computers help with distance learning.  They have helped keep us safe during a pandemic.  They are a tool to use and put down and put away when done.  We control them.  We use them.  We say, “thank you”.  Then put away until needed again.

We are the example.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

One of the few benefits of the differences between my daughter’s mom and I is a desire to research. To better understand and communicate those differences to my daughter in a clear, understandable and scientific way.

One of our key differences what we feed our daughter.  With her mom it is fast food, lots of sugar (that is not being hyperbolic), and lack of focus on what I would call proper nutrition.  Our daughter has taken a huge step backwards in healthy eating in the past year. 

So, I started a deeper dive into the effects of sugar on the body. Specifically children.  Turns out there is currently some debate on the issue. I really wanted to understand this better for my daughter’s health.

Turns out, it is not too hard-to-find research going both ways.  Some say it does not influence behavior and cognitive abilities in children.  Here is one resource The effect of sugar on behavior or cognition in children. A meta-analysis – PubMed (nih.gov).

Yet, we are aware of the effects of sugar on the body.  Leading to stroke and dementia (Sugar- and Artificially Sweetened Beverages and the Risks of Incident Stroke and Dementia | Stroke (ahajournals.org)).  It’s been found to be more addictive than cocaine, linked to poor mental health, effects sleeping, and is linked to Alzheimer’s disease (of which she’s had a Great Grandma on each side of her family die with Alzheimer’s in the seven years she’s been alive) (Sugar and mental health: A toxic combination? (medicalnewstoday.com)).

Yet, all I do is get mocked and made fun of by the ex’s family for my healthy eating. Even accusing me of giving her an eating disorder for trying to teach her to eat healthy.  Two of the first big changes to my daughter’s life a year ago when I moved out was less sleep and more sugar.  And the effects were immediately noticeable.  It would be easy to categorize these are anecdotal.  Yet, my daughter had six years of nearly zero TV, nearly zero amounts of sugar, and was on an amazing sleep schedule that worked great.  All of these were a constant in her life (as it was basically just her and I for the first 6.5 years).

I would like to believe sugar does not harm or effect my daughter negatively.  It would be nice to read evidence shows it is not that big of a deal.  Regardless of the studies that say it does not affect children, that seems counter intuitive.  Studies show how sugar negatively affects, gut health, sleep, teeth, energy, mental health, diabetes (which I did not even touch on), and on and on.  How much sugar do American eat in a year?  In 1970 it was 123 lbs.  Today it is 152 lbs. in a year (Microsoft Word – How Much Sugar Do You Eat.doc (nh.gov)).

The number one killer in America is Heart Disease and Stroke (The number one killer of Americans: heart disease | BU Today | Boston University).  What’s the cause of heart disease? Fat clogging the arteries (Cardiovascular disease: Types, symptoms, prevention, and causes (medicalnewstoday.com)). What the number one cause of fat clogging the arteries?  Poor diet (“Avoid overindulging on ice cream, whole milk, butter, sour cream, cream cheese, egg yolks, fatty meats, fast food, fried chicken, breaded chicken or fish, pastries, and chips” What Causes Clogged Arteries | Health.com).

Maybe, sugar is not affecting little Tommy or Sally between 8am-3pm (I don’t think this is possible, or likely to be true… but if…), what is it doing to them for the entirety of their lives?  How is it affecting sleep, moods, teeth, overall health? We have fun with kids as kids, and enjoy playing with them while they are young.  We feed them sugar and treats and make exceptions and excuses to let them eat poorly.  We do not tend to think of them suffering at 70, because of the foundation we laid for them from birth to 18. 

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

What pulled me out and pulled me through?

One day my daughter asked what I did when she was not at our house.

“Dad, what do you do when I’m not here?”

“Well, sweetie, I drink wine, I watch Netflix, and I’m sad and I miss you.  Then I am sad some more.  Then, I drink more wine to help pass the time until I get to see you again.”

Yeah, not what I said.  

Though that question motivated me to be write this blog and do my podcast more consistently.  It opened more books to be read.  It led to less TV.  Less internet.  Less stuff that leads to a life unlived.  By my definition sitting in front of TV and drinking wine is not a way to live.  It can be a nice night once in a while (and it is), but it is not a life in and of itself.

Now, when I find myself tipping towards self-pity and sadness, I think of her question, “Dad, what do you do when I’m not here?”.  

“Well, sweetie, I write.  I record a podcast.  I do those things in hopes of helping someone somewhere someday.  I write because it helps me feel good and get my thoughts and feelings out.  I record my podcast for the same reasons.  And I read.  I read a lot of books. You help inspire that. Because you are such a vivacious reader.  In short, I try and make myself and hopefully others, a little happier, feel less alone and know there are others in the world that may be feeling like they do (have and will).”

What is your answer when a parent, a friend, a child, or anyone asks you a similar question?  There is only so much time, and none of us are guaranteed a specific amount.  Fill it wisely.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Yesterday’s Daily Dad Podcast (The Daily Dad – Every Dad Needs a Little Help) was about finding the time to get done what we want to get done.  There was time I would have blamed the person for not using their time better.  It is the American Way, Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  If you are not getting it done, then it is your fault.

We blame instead of build.  We wonder why they do not get it. We wonder why they are not willing to work harder, do more, try more, be better.  “I did it.  They can do it.”

We point to examples of those that dropped out of college.  Those that grew up hard.  Those the found the will and the way.  We turn entire lives into soundbites and 30 second commercials.  They inspire us to push beyond our current situation.  They tell us, “look you can do ‘x’”.

They are harmful.  They are bad.  They are dangerous.  They need to stop.

99.9% of us do not take or have the time to learn the whole story.  99.9% of the time the whole story is not being told.  We act as if this person did it all on their own.  We act as if that soundbite, or commercial tells the tale.  When we reduce lives to 30 seconds, we all fail in comparison.

Stop listening.  It is better to deep dive into one person and learn their true story, than to get 30 seconds of inspiration from multiple people.

In yesterday’s Daily Dad he told the story of Susan Straight who wrote a book sitting on a curb after she walked her baby to sleep.  She became a best-selling author with that book.  That is an amazing story.  It is that punch of 30 seconds (or less).  Yet, there is a backstory, an entire life lived up to walking her baby and figuring out to write on a curb. 

It is an inspiring story.  It is motivating to find the time, to steal a moment to do what you want to accomplish. Yet, we miss the part of who was paying the bills?  Why wasn’t she having to work at night instead of writing?  Why did she even want to write?  What were the sacrifices to create that opportunity?  What made her believe in herself enough to do that?  Who gave her permission, and allowed that permission?

Even as those words are written it feels like the magic is being taken away.  Do not ruin a great story with details.  I get it.  There are quotes and soundbites all around me. Other people’s words written down to inspire me.  A pervious life where those quotes lifted me up and helped me be a better manager.

Those are still part of who I am.  Yet, with a learned understanding to take them for what they are.  To understand the privilege behind the stories, the sacrifices, or the support, or sacrifices of others.  If you genuinely want to be inspired learn the story behind the 30 second commercial.  Do not be fooled into thinking a person just showed up one day.  Understand they wrote 100,000 words to get one 12-word quote “worth sharing”. 

The magic is not in the 30 seconds, the magic is in the life lived that got to the 30 seconds.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan-Father, navigating a non-vegan world.