Today’s post was going to have a different focus.  Yet today was my daughter’s first day back for in-person learning in over a year.  She has never been in her new school.  Never seen her classmates not on Zoom.  A lot of “never’s”.  In the car waiting for drop off she said, “I can’t wait to get to school and learn”.  It was a cute, sweet moment. 

She was so excited that she set the Google Home to a 48-hour countdown.  We purchased a new outfit yesterday. She bought new nail polish and painted her nails before bed. Bath time was no issue. Brushing teeth, quick and easy.

She had trouble falling asleep last night and woke (in my opinion) to early.  All because she got to go back to school.  Then, in the last five minutes she started talking about how nervous she was.  A flood of emotions.  I walked her to the door and her teacher was waiting for her.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Love. A feeling achieved by eating large amounts of chocolate (paraphrased from a movie that cannot be remembered).  Turns out our feelings of “love” and eating large amounts of chocolate activate the same areas of the brain.

There were some… complex years as a teenager.  One time, while discussing this with a friend, the words, “I still love her, I just don’t like her very much right now” were spoken (a complex situation describing my mother).

Differentiating between love and like was an early experience.  As a child love felt overly used and thrown around (I was a weird kid).  By age 7(?) my father was with his third wife and my mother was with her second husband.  Hearing people from the various families talk felt empty, contrived, and forced.  Their words spoken absent mindedly, as if being read from a cue card.  It did not take long to smile, nod, say “ok”, tell them what they obviously wanted to hear, then move on.  A receiving line at funeral.

Love as a word can be used to manipulate, abuse, as a weapon, to hide a lie, to lie, to trick, twist, break, and bend.  Love can make a world; it can destroy a world.  Love is not about anything to do with the other person. Love is a chemical reaction in your brain.  If it is not being misused (see above).

Like is unassuming. There are no major expectations with saying it, not saying, or having said / not said it.  Like is about the person.  There is no chemical reaction in your brain about what is liked about you.  “You have a cool style”, “You have great taste in books”, “You are really kind”.  I can say, “I like your style.  I like your taste in books.  I like that you are kind.”  It’s still about the other person, not the person saying it.

Like is a connection, a bridge to the other person.  It may be a better observation if there is no connection.  “It’s cool you like books”.  No connection, just an observation.  When someone acknowledges / compliments something about a person as a “like” it can end there. It is usually followed by a good feeling in the person receiving it.  No weight.  No expectations.  Just verbalizing an observation.

That is why my daugther hears “I like you” at night before bed.  She sometimes asks, “What do you like about me?”  “You are a good person, with a kind heart.  You are fun to be around, and you have a neat personality.”  Sometimes she asks, “Do you love me?”  “Of course, I love you.  That is part of being your father.  Loving you comes easy.  Liking you is because of who you are.”

We are supposed to love, or say we love, or get pressured to love (“Tell grandma you love her”, do not get me started).  No one ever pressures us to like, or say we like someone (ok maybe, “like like”, but that is different than “like” and we all know it).

Like is more of a choice based on who a person is.  I have never felt pressured to say, “I like you”. Ironically,  it is used more sparingly.  More thoughtfully.  It is less likely to be misused, abused, or mistreated.

You liking something about someone is them.  A person will not carry the weight of a lost like.  Like is a compliment that can be held or let go. 

Which is one of the reasons I like you reading this.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Next Big Idea Club’s latest podcast was a conversation with Daniel Pink and Lisa Feldman Barrett.  Author of Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. A good conversation on Lisa’s book.  Exploring how our brains really work.  It is debunking old myths and using modern science to update what is known about how our brains work.

What stood out the most was when talking about our “lizard brains”. Something that was popularized and became a “fact” from Carl Sagan’s book The Dragon’s of Eden.  This has become the foundation for education, parents explaining kids, people explaining (excusing) lying, cheating, criminal activities, this list goes on.  It is not our fault; it is our lizard brains.  We cannot help ourselves.

Turns out to be wrong.

That is a problem with holding tight to information.  We tell these stories and they become reality.  They allow for distancing and explaining away.  They keep us from learning or investigating for truth.  It is frustrating to learn something is wrong but know it will continue to be considered fact.  It will to be taught and used as the excuse it is not.

There is a version of this post that goes into evolution of society, who we are and how we got to here.  There is also this version.  The version about the stories we tell ourselves and others.  It is great to learn the truth, but the damage is done and will continue to be done for those that “just couldn’t help themselves”.  Those acting in accordance with their lizard brains. “It’s not me, it’s the brain”.

Our excuses for bad behavior weaken.  We are responsible for our actions.  The things we say.  How we act.  We have a responsibility to ourselves and society.  We are the stories we tell.  The stories we share.  They can be excuses.  Or they can be something better.

Knowing, at least for now with the information we currently have, that we are not robots reacting to our environment with no control over our actions is beneficial.  It means we can learn better responses.  We can think before we act.  We can stop with the excuses.  We can understand why “x” stimulus causes “y” response.  Then, we can modify the response to the stimulus. This makes sense when you think about it.  We have not been creatures of stimulus – response for a long time. 

There is a much longer conversation around this topic (a whole book in fact).  Yet, the point of this is to share what was learned.  There is no way for any of us to know all the things.  We need to share, talk, spread the good we are learning.  Today’s post is that we our brains.  It is not this lizard thing in our bodies doing whatever it wants.  We evolved to work together.  There is much more to talk about with this, but we will leave it there for today.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Lisa Feldman Barrett | Neuroscientist, Psychologist, and Author

The enthralling tale of the lizard within (qarchli.github.io)

The pause. It has become one of the best tools in the parenting kit. Like anything else it takes practice. The more you do it, the better you get. Part of using it is having patience. Another lesson to teach through example. Everything takes time.

As written about previously there are a few frustrations that happen with the other parent. While our views and thoughts tend to be in direct conflict of each other, that does not help my daughter. I could let that frustration show (and it probably does from time to time). Could scream “NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO…” when told something that bursts my hair into flames, while the walls laugh at the absurdity of what was said.

Or pause. And ask, what do you think? Does that make sense to you? Do you have any questions about that? It is not saying one parent is right or the other is wrong. It is asking her to practice critical thinking. It is giving her agency over information, thoughts, and opinions. It creates a pathway to conversation.

That is the practice. There are times something is heard that causes a visceral reaction. If paying attention, it may get caught. My daughter’s reaction shows it. She notices the changes in my voice and face.

Sidebar: There were these cards that came out around the time she was born. They were “face” cards that showed and described different emotions. We would go through the cards and see kids sad, happy, frustrated, angry and talk about the emotions and corresponding faces being made. We would do the same in the mirror, usually while brushing her teeth. She would say what face to make, and I would make it. “Make a sad face. A startled face. A worried face”. The lessons were, to be honest, unintended from cards that seemed like a good idea. She was not only learning words, but tone, and to recognize emotions in faces.  She was also learning the meaning of words, emotions, reactions, and feelings. Flash cards for emotions.  And the benefits have carried forward. Probably not a stretch to say those cards will be more beneficial in her life than any math or English lesson. (Double bonus: screen free bonding, interactions and fun).

I have learned to prepare myself for picking her up. That is why Wednesday went well. (Almost rewrote the frustrations again, but there is no reason to revisit those.) The pause happened before getting her. Patience and kindness were at the ready when she was home.

Thursday had bumps. Though, it was better than Wednesday night. Friday morning, as this is being written, has been normal on every level. She slept longer and better than Wednesday. She is eating more and a better breakfast. She will be better prepared and rested for her first day of in school learning on Tuesday (over a year since being in school).

This is written today as a reminder for work, relationships, children, friends, parents, whatever your unique situation may be. I can only speak for me, but what was taught to me about love, life, liking, relationships, how we work as people was about zero. The most important information, lessons and tools were pretty much missed.

Yet, the gift that was given came in the 6th grade. My mother “tricked” me into reading (a story for another time). That is one thing that led here. A love of books. One of the major focuses raising my daugther was to pass on a love of books. That has been a positive check in this  parenting journey.

To end this, practice taking a pause.  Do it randomly.  Turn off the TV and wait for five minutes.  Turn off your phone, tablet, or device.  Find a friend you are comfortable with and say, “if we ever get in a heat conversation, I’m going to ask us to stop and take a five-minute break”. 

Do not be afraid to teach it to your child.  This could start a rant, but for brevity’s sake, let us just say it seems there is a habit of thinking we must fool, or trick kids into doing what we want.  Just say, “This conversation is escalating.  I am going to take five-minutes to pause.  I’ll be back to talk some more”.  Your kid may keep being crazy, but we all know it gets really boring, real quick, fighting with no one.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

This is a moment when a pause is required.  This is not about a child’s poor diet, lack of sleep and too much TV (see what I did there).  This is about a father being slightly heartbroken because of the things not just mentioned.

The story goes: It is not her fault.  On the way to pick her up you remind yourself of this.  It happens as expected.  You knew this was coming.  You knew how she would be acting.  You knew it would not be her.  You see it.  It breaks your heart.  Stay calm, for her.  You are kind.  Your voice is even.  You repeat your words. It is not personal.  Do not take it that way.  She is tired, jacked up on sugar and whatever.  She is leaving her friend and her cats.  It takes about two minutes for her to start to regulate.  Her talk is negative.  It will pass.  Do not feed it.  She needs time.  Give it.  She says something unkind. It is not her or her feelings.  Let it pass. She just needs home, sleep and tomorrow.

It was not long ago it was frustrating when she would not fall asleep.  The frustration from the why*cough*her*cough*mom*cough*, to the things that would come when she fell asleep.  Which were just shows and doing random nothing stuff online.  Why be frustrated with something that is out of your hands 50% of the time?  Choice.  Bad choices, poor focuses.

Make a different choice. Modify behaviors to teach and be a better example.  Stressing about wanting to watch shows?  Get rid of the TV.  Worried about email?  Break the addiction.  What else is past this moment? Nothing. Sitting next to the bed there is nothing to get to.  Stay calm. Patient and positive energy. 

She is asleep.  It did not take too long.  She fought it.  Twitching. Rubbing red sunken eyes.  It may seem like this is complaining or venting frustrations about someone… ok, maybe a sprinkle.

Yet, what this is about is what you can do with you.  What I am about to write is horrible, but also true:  This is making me a better person.  A better father. Because it must.  Being sad and miserable bingeing TV was not getting it done.  Sitting down to write, passes time more quickly and productively.  As said before, it takes between 1-3+ hours to write 2-5 minutes of reading.  Worth every second.  Reading becomes lost in pages, fighting to stay away to read just… one… more…. Nope.

To do lists.  Blogging.  Podcasting.  Getting ready to start a YouTube Channel (late to the party anyone?).  Yes, I am frustrated.  Yes, seeing her like that breaks me in ways that may never fully heal.  Yet, what can be done?  Make the most of the time given.  Both with and without her. 

My life is getting simpler. Needing and wanting less.  Sitting beside her, as she was falling asleep, thoughts drifted to the set-up of our living room without a TV.  Some living rooms are constructed around the TV.  Not to be dramatic, but it is literally set up to be worshiped.  Like those movies (ironically, enough) where you see the Virgin Mary in some old lady’s house occupying the place of a TV today.  Or a church where you have Christ hanging above a preacher, with everyone wrapped around watching the show. (That is a lot of weird catholic examples from an atheist). 

It was fun visualizing the living room set up without factoring in the TV alter.  The opposite of feng shui. Choice of freedom.

Does some of this stuff make me angry?  Kind of.  Really more from a place of fear.  Fear of what is being taught to my daughter for her future, and her future health.  That is not today’s topic. Though, it does play into what was written yesterday from Hannah Gadsby.  That is, not having the right to spread anger or fear.  My daughter knows about my choices and why.  It is hard for a child to turn down or question what the other parent is saying or doing or giving to her. 

Be better.  That is the only productive option.  She will ultimately make her own choices.  The other day I asked her if it was confusing having to deal with the different houses, rules, and philosophies around food and health.  She said yes.  I told her if she ever gets confused about something she learns here, or it is counter to what she was told elsewhere to say so.  We can look it up and use it as a teaching moment.  That whatever was told to her here can and will be backed up with facts and science.

Today’s parting thought: Write, read, do not spread anger or fear, make a to-do list, run, take walks.  From Ryan Holiday’s simplification of Stoicism:  We can not control what is done to us (our child).  We can control our reaction.

Posted. Not Perfect .                                                                                                                                                       A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

It is reported that in 2017 the Self-help industry was worth 9.9 billion dollars.  Many of us are seeking answers.  We learn, sometimes too late, those we saw in certain light, needed help.  They were searching and their search, or hiding, led to self-destruction. 

In the past few years, time has been spent wanting to better understand hurt and anger.  When you are unable to identify, label, or understand what is being felt, why it is being felt; it leaks out.

Pick your poison.  Alcohol.  Drugs.  Overworking.  Locking the door and hiding inside.  Escaping into a book.  Staying out all night.  Eating poorly.  Smiling so big they cannot see the pain.  We find what works for us.  We find what we feel works for us.  We find what we think works for us.  We distract instead of engage.  We engage to distract.

We duck and weave.  We float and sting.  There is no simple answer.  Life takes work. If it’s not taking work, it’s stealing time. The objective of life is awareness.  Your head can be down, while looking up from time to time.  If you are looking up, sometimes you see something that helps.  That was Nannette for me (a Netflix special by Hanna Gadsby that didn’t cost any more than what was being paid):

I have lived a life.  The damage done to me is real and debilitating. I will never flourish. This is why I must quit comedy. Because the only way I can tell my truth and put tension in the room is with anger. And I am angry and I believe I’ve got every right to be angry. But what I don’t have a right to do is to spread anger. I don’t. Because anger, much like laughter, can connect a room full of strangers like nothing else. But anger, even if it’s connected to laughter, will not relieve tension. Because anger is a tension. It is a toxic infectious tension. And it knows no other purpose than to spread blind hatred. And I want no part of it. Because I take my freedom of speech as a responsibility. And just because I can position myself as a victim does not make my anger constructive. It never is constructive. Laughter is not our medicine. Stories hold our cure. Laughter is just the honey that sweetens the bitter medicine. I don’t want to unite you with laughter or anger. I just needed my story heard. My story felt and understood by individuals with minds of their own. Because like it or not your story is my story. And my story is your story. I just don’t have the strength to take care of my story anymore. I don’t want my story defined by anger. All I can ask is just please help me take care of my story. Do you know why we have the sunflowers? it’s not because Vincent van Gogh suffered. It’s because Vincent van Gogh had a brother who loved him. Through the pain he had a tether. A connection to the world. And that is the focus of the story we need. Connection. Thank you.  -Hanna

For me, through lots of work, it was determined not to be anger.  But fear.  Easily confused those two.  Hanna could have replaced anger with fear, and it would still hold true.  She is right, anger spreads, because it is easy to attach to.  Just has there have been too many laughs from a place of fear, anger, and hatred.  They can bring people together.

During the divorce I sought to understand the hurt and fear/anger.  I did not want it to spread.  Not to my daughter.  My friends.  My podcast.  My co-workers.  I did not want to let the situation cause hurt and fear/anger.  Yet, at times it did. It was a choice to not give it a place to go. To keep it inside.  Knowing it was leaking out, bit by bit.  Lingering on past mistakes. Treating myself like the guy from the Davinci Code with that weird leg thorn thing.  Only… you know, not that.

Last night, my dream came from a place of fear.  Fear, that felt like anger. Awake in the middle of the night, I was able to say, “this is just a moment”.  Negative energy trying to seep in.  Not long ago that would have  worked. Drained and spiraling in fear.  Instead, there was control over thoughts, memories, and a choice to not let the fear in.  Closed my eyes and slept the rest of the night.

There are moments we have a right to be fearful and hurt or angry.  There are times we can justify our anger. Yet, that does not give us the right to put that fear, hurt and anger back into the world. Hanna said it well, “… what I don’t have a right to do is to spread anger.” Simply put, that one.  I did not know what to do with my hurt, fear/anger.  Just that I did not want it to spread.

It has been 8 years since giving up sugar and sweets (mostly).  I can just now drink coffee without soymilk in it.  I have been training myself to journal in the two-minute journal for 2 years.  A daily check list still a reminder to write in it.  Every morning I get to pick up my daughter, the same thing is written in my journal: be patience, understanding and kind.

We will never be all of whatever it is we want to be.  That does not mean we should not work at it.  Reminding ourselves who we want to be. And the answer could (and maybe should) evolve over time.  And it does take time.  Sometimes a long time.  I will not go back to sugar, nor stop writing in the two-minute journal. With or without a reminder. The investment is worth the result.

Take Hanna’s advice.  Find a connection.  A tether.  Someone who cares about you.  Someone you care about.  We are not made, designed, or built to be alone.  Find someone that will not feed your anger, or fear.  Someone that helps you laugh at the absurdity of life. Someone that challenges you to be better daily.

Find someone that will help you paint your version of van Gough’s Sunflowers.

Thank you.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

Sometimes when writing I’ll catch a phrase coming out like, “everyone knows to eat healthy”, “we all know we should be taking at least a 20 minute walk every day”, or “we all know it’s good to journal, we just don’t do it”. Plenty of others.  Fill in the blank.

I try to catch those moments, because the fact is there is so much, we do not know. Facts and figures everywhere.  Things that are utterly meaningless to us until they are not.  For example, a mother who knows nothing about cancer, then had a child who gets cancer.  Suddenly, she knows all there is to know.  Maybe starts a non-profit.  Maybe does charity events to raise money.  She can talk with the Doctor like a graduate with a degree in medicine with a focus on cancer.

The point is, we often do not know a thing until life makes us know a thing.  Even the example above is not fair.  There are plenty of parents that might be working their butts off to keep up with the medical bills to keep their child alive.  They do not have time to learn the ins and outs of cancer and start a non-profit.

*This is written after being posted. I posted this, then kept thinking about it and wanted to add something. There are more than the two above options or reactions to a situation. Maybe, the parent becomes overwhelmed. Maybe, they curl up into a ball and can’t face what is happening. There is no way to address all the possible reactions or the reasons for a reaction. Which is the point. You will be coming with your issues, backstory and reactions. As will the next person and the next. We can’t know all the things. We can be wise enough to monitor our reaction to all the things. Then catching ourselves when we don’t catch ourselves. It’s all very complex.*

One minute you think you have this parenting thing under control.  Then, a curve ball.  Your child says or does something that throws you off. Now, what?  How do we handle this one?

Today is not about coming to an answer or a conclusion to these issues or questions.  Today is about taking a pause. To catch yourself before moving forward with a judgement.  Think about how you are wording something. Not your words, but how your words may be heard.  This goes for how you talk about or think about others.  It also pertains to how you talk or think about yourself.

It is not an excuse to get away with not doing better.  In fact, it will probably have the opposite effect.  It might help you see an opportunity to help someone in need or ask for help yourself.

So, catch yourself, before you speak or think.  A five second pause could be all you need. 

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.

The three most current books: Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know by Adam Grant; Work: A Deep History, from the Stone Age to the Age of Robots by James Suzman; Keep Sharp: Build a Better Brain at Any Age by Sanjay Gupta M.D.

Each book mentions the size of the brain, about 5.906 inches.  The weight of the brain, about 3 lbs.  The amount of energy our brains use:The brain consumes energy at 10 times the rate of the rest of the body per gram of tissue. The average power consumption of a typical adult is 100 Watts, and the brain consumes 20% of this making the power of the brain 20 W (https://hypertextbook.com/).

The working philosophies of a body in motion tends to stay in motion, a mind in motion tends to stay in motion; we write our stories.  Added to that is how we fuel and use energy.  It is being noticed more in the books being read. 

How we fuel and spend our energy matters.  We are just starting to understand how the brain works. We are scratching the surface of its purpose.  The “we only use 10% of our brain” myth is one of many “facts” we’ve learned is untrue (Do We Really Use Only 10 Percent of Our Brain? | Britannica).  Popularized and spread because it is fun to think it is true.  Truth is often better.  It is better to know we are using our brains at full capacity. We are using them, just not always well.

This information holds us accountable.  There is no mythological “if only I could tap into the other 90%.  Then… then I could do ‘x’”. You are using it all.  How is that energy being fueled and spent?  Reading.  Walking.  Bingeing TV.  Eating poorly.  How we use our energy is being manipulated by advertising, social media, friends, or family.  It is the opposite.  We are easily manipulated.  That is why it matters the input and output of that energy matters.

My personal example is buying things.  Retail therapy. It served a purpose in moments where there was little else. It is no longer a master to be served.  This happened because of the inputs and outputs of energy.  The energy input was advertising, sadness, what others had.  It worked. 

It is time to be better for me and my daugther.  Things are not a long-term cure for happiness.  Time to create better energy. Energy fueled and spent by listening to and reading books by authors like Cal Newport and Sarah Wilson.  Finding minimalist examples.  Those happier with less.

Daniel Tosh has this great “joke” (observation?) about money.  His set-up is about having money vs not having money.  He says having money is way better than not, because “I’ve never seen anyone depressed on a wave rider”.  Arguably true.  Yet, what does it take for most people to get a wave rider (Daniel is a 1% exception)?  You got it. Now it needs maintenance.  It needs to be stored.  The pressure to use it to justify the maintenance and storage.  On and on. 

Instead of owing, what about renting?  Enjoy it for an hour or two. A fraction of the cost, no storage, no maintenance.  You are doing more for yourself, your bank account and society in general by renting.  Your energy goes towards enjoyment, not maintenance.  Energy wasted dealing with a thing not used 99% of the time.  A win-win.  It is a good reason to  support the trend of borrowing and renting. A positive check for technology.

A favorite observation is by H. Jackson Brown Jr. “Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”

The choice of how they spend their energy is an inspiration.  They were not “surfing the internet”, “checking Twitter”, or worried about how many likes they were getting.  They created and added.  They were taking walks, writing, journaling, using their energy to add concepts, art, and theories. Some of which changed the world.  Clicking “like” on Twitter does nothing more than expend energy with a momentary dopamine hit.

Unfortunately, we get that hit over and over and over so quickly, so simply.  So, we do.  When we look up, it is time for bed.  Wash.  Rinse. Repeat (as necessary). Lost hours in a day.

I have talked recently about happiness.  Learning “how” to be happy doesn’t have to be difficult: follow your passion.  Journal.  Take walks.  Exercise.  Talk with friends.  Basically, my early to mid-twenties.  Those are happy memories.  Late-night conversations until the sun came up.  We think those must go away.  Yet, it would be done tonight, given the chance.  Waxing poetic through the night about hopes and fears and dreams.

When I look at how to be happy, it is doing all the things being done.  It is writing and reading and making notes and posting here.  It is setting goals, like creating a weekly podcast.  It is focusing on not being perfect, but creating, editing, and setting it free.  It is taking in and exerting energy. Productively and positively.  Energy no longer wasted on sadness and fear.

There is more to be said about energy and how it is spent it and understood.  How we fuel and use the energy we are given matters.  If my heart stops tomorrow would my daugther hear her father died eating on the couch, drinking wine, and watching Netflix?  Or would she read this?  Would my mom hear I was sad and broken and miserable?  Would my dad wonder why my heart stopped at 45?  Or would they read this? Read this and learn I was proud, focused, and creating. 

Maybe not changing the world, but no one ever said you had to.  Be better.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father navigating a non-vegan world.

It’s calm outside.  A chill in the air.  A tree seen through the window hangs, still.

Until the wind decides to let it move.

I have written before about “Yeah… but”.  If you do “x” you’ll get “y”.  “Yeah, but my situation is different.”  Self-pity in two words.  A phrase that excuses negativity and allows it to continue.  Stagnation. It is powerful phrase.  That is why has been (is being) excised.

“Yeah, but” has an insidious friend.  A partner that keeps the past from progressing the present.  Puts the weight of the world on my shoulders. The injustice of it all. This life.  What was done to me.

“What if…”

What if: I had married my high school girlfriend?  What if I had stayed with the girl right after her?  What if I had stayed broken up with my daughter’s mom? What if I had not pushed my best friend away?  What if my parents had done “x” instead of “y”?  “What if” can hold your hand until death.  Always the path not taken.  Always the wrong path chosen.

The past.  “What if” lives there. It keeps me there.  “Yeah, but…” and “What if…” keeps the past in the present.  Those two phrases live in the past.  It is the “before” without improvement. The excuse to be sad, broken, angry, hurt, self-pitying.  “What if…”

A benefit of morning walks with no podcasts or music: a wandering mind.  It was a morning where the “what if…” (all too often played in my head, did not go away) was doing what it always does.  Yet, this time I leaned into it and said, “ok, what if…”  My mind went to all the normal places.  Tears started to form.  I felt alone and cold (it was cold outside).  I felt like stopping, but instead said it again, “ok, what if…”  Repeat.  Again.  Repeat.  Again. 

If that sounds dramatic or made up.  It is neither of those.

Then… What if instead of being in the past, I am in the present?  “What if” does not have to be about what could have been then.  “What if” could be about now.

What if I sat and wrote a book?  What if a 9.99 was bought and used to draw?  What if I went for a run today?  What if no digital device was picked up until 830am (journaling, walking, meditating, making coffee)?  What if instead of missing my daugther, the time passed by writing and reading?  What if nothing was purchased today?

“What if” now offers pause and possibilities.  “What if” is about potential, not regret.  “What if” is an opportunity to double check a thought and make it productive.

What if is not about past regrets, it’s about possibilities for the present.  So, I took it back.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.