The thought behind the title is subjective at best.  What do we ever truly know?  The concept of right is based on whatever we believe to think is correct.  Which is based on the information we have at the time.  Which could and should be ever changing.

What I believe to be true today is we need to eat healthy (plant-based, minimum amounts of sugar, fruits and vegetables), we need the recommended amounts of sleep for our age.  We should screen less, play more.  The details of those are based on information correlated in my head from various readings, podcasts, documentaries, and what science currently recommends.

The most important thing as a parent, from what people have said, is protecting your child.  That seems to somehow filter into meaning predators, bullies, bad accidents. In short, physical harms.  It does not seem to relate to mental and physical health. 

Which seems backwards to me.  We can teach our children to run from danger.  Report after the fact if someone does or tries something “bad”. How to deal with a bully or wear protective gear when riding a bike.  For the most part, those are meant to minimize things out of their (our?) control. It is meant to add a sense of security, or we “tried” to protect our children. 

Much of that is out of our control.  We are not around our children 24/7.  We cannot know the evils inside people we thought we could trust. Our sphere of control extends about 1 foot around ourselves at any given time.

The things we can control are brushed off as “a kid will be a kid”, “or, it’s okay, they’re just a kid”, “don’t overreact”, “they’ll be fine”, “calm down.”  Poor diets, lack of sleep, just talking with them.  We struggle to have “the sex talk”.  We wait to long to address the things that will affect them from the day they are born until the day they die.

Our lack of knowledge. Our insecurities.  Our awkwardness.  Our struggles.  They keep us from doing what could help them throughout their lives.

Go to school.  Play sports.  Do extra circulars.  Go to college.  Get degrees.  Do quarterly trainings.  Write reports.  Look over last year’s results.  A widget, daily sales goals, and weekly results are treated as the difference between life and death.

How often to we review the previous year’s successes and failures of raising our children?  How often do we set daily goals of what we want them to accomplish?  What we want to accomplish with them?  How often do we sit down and review the previous week with them, or their other parent? 

Do we have quarterly training to learn the latest information about raising an “x” year old?  Do we sit and have meetings with the other caregivers in our child’s life to review how things are going?  Do we align our values and create a consistent message for them?  Are they included in the choices that affect them?  Are they talked to and told the reason or purpose for a choice?

More importantly, do we do that before we have child.  My daughter’s current situation does not allow me to do what I believe to be right for her.  It is more important than ever to be better.  Take a breath.  Breathe.  Think.  Do not react.  Pause.  Filter.  Focus.  Now.  Talk. 

I cannot always do what is best for my daugther.  I can try my best when I am with my daugther.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… not always right, but trying to teach what is right.

As with any other topic there are lots of books, podcasts, blogs, articles, websites dedicated to parenting.  How to deal with their anger, their meltdowns, their emotional highs, and lows.  When to put them to bed. How to feed them.  What happens this at this stage/age?  What do you do here, there, everywhere?

I am the type of parent to reads some of those.  Trying to navigate this world of growing an embryo (my part admittedly little during this time) to a person.  There are some right answers and some wrong.  Lots in between.  Seeing what sticks and doing your best and hoping in the end they function well enough to get from point A to point B.

As we navigate this time of growth sometimes the best we can do is pay attention to what they are telling us.  When it comes to raising a decent person, pay attention.  Often, they will show or tells us what they need.

Last night my daugther wanted to ride her bike.  Her father’s roll in this?  Be outside.  She did not need anything but my eyes and my time.  She wanted to show off a couple of new skills.  That was it.  In that moment being a good parent required standing and listening.  She was talking and sharing and showing off.  Proud of herself.

Bedtimes, screens, nutrition, another parent, other parents, kids, teachers, and more.  Yet, for half an hour last night we existed not in the in past or the future, or a lesson.  We were in the circle of the present.  When to do nothing?  When they tell you.

A Vegan Father… being a good father by doing nothing, that meant everything.

Posted. Not Perfect.

It was not far.  The instinct to drive was overridden by a desire to walk.  The wind was not too cold. Cold enough it was nice it is a short walk.  The destination? A coffee shop.  Until yesterday I had never been.  Today is day two of venturing into the wild.  Stilling in a corner alone.  A father and son sitting inside.  The mother took the daughter outside to play.  A lady on the other side of the building sits alone reading a book.  It is quiet and calm.  A machine humming gently waiting to serve some sort of drink.

It has been just over a year since I started wearing glasses.  It was weird at first.  44 years never having need for them.  The choice was overwhelming a year ago at Target.  So many to choose from.  Hundreds displayed on the small wall.  We once thought choice was good.  Turns out, the brain does not like choices.

The weight of them was felt on my face walking here.  It took awhile to get use to them.  Taking them on and off haphazardly.  Trying to learn when to take them off or keep them on.  It was new.  It has become a habit.  Now, they are forgotten. Only removed when noticed doing something that does not require them.  Often forgetting to put them on, until my brain realizes it is harder to read the words than it should be.

When it was needed, it was an easier habit to form.  It was frustrating “losing” them from time to time.  Then, I learned strategic places to leave them when taking them off.  Walking instead of driving became an option, because morning walks became a nice way to start the day.  A choice was introduced, overriding an instinct to “just drive”.

The option to come into a coffee shop, instead of “staying at home”, happened when the seal was broken.  Another choice made that changed the environment, the view, and inspired this writing.  A writing that would not have happened, had the choice to start writing not been made a few months ago.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.  You cannot change what happened yesterday.  All you have is today and the moment you are in.  Yet, choices made months ago; to read Atomic Habits, The Lives of the Stoics, and many more, influenced today.  The choice to make a To-Do List, to write more, to take morning walks, and more.  Little changes and adjustments to getting rid of old routines and start new ones.  Different ways to fill time.  Differing ways to be feel better about time spent.

Those changes and choices led to this moment.  We are not always able to understand the long-term impact of our choices, or changes as they are happening.  It is important from time to time take a moment to reflect on why you are doing what you are doing.  What caused a reaction. Why you are doing what you are doing.  Understanding a particular response to a particular stimulus.

We will die unfinished.  It does not mean we have to die unfulfilled.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… incomplete, but building.

Fear has been talked about as a key factor in how things were handled the past five years.  Fear still waits over the hill, waiting to attack.  One thing is figured out, discovered, admitted to, and dealt with.  Then, the next shows up. 

You are left having to figure out what next is.  Starting over and over.  You are the warrior at the end of the book.  In your final moments, victorious.  The villain defeated.  Now you rest. Reap the rewards of your victory. 

Walking down the hill, victory in hand, someone screams and points. There is another villain coming over the hill. 

I struggled as boyfriend.  Let us put that out there.  It does not mean I was bad, but not always good.  I like romance, buying gifts, making someone feel good.  It is nice having someone to share moments with.  Part of the issues may have been a slight addiction to falling in love (the other part a childhood full of baggage).

One of the fears of leaving the situation I was in had to do with my age. Was romantic love still possible? The sweet, fun, mushy, late-night talks, not being able to get off the phone, missing and anxiously waiting for the next time you are together kind of love.  Even a bad situation still has a person there.  Even if you do not really want them there.

The villain was cresting over the hill.  Fear that love was no longer possible.  Would it be more practical and straight forward? The carefree love you enjoyed in your twenties, replaced by boring adult love?  This is not being hyperbolic.  It was a driving fear. A concern of entering a new world.

A couple of nights ago, I met up with someone for a drink and conversation.  Two divorced adults meeting on an app.  Wondering if there was a connection in person. 

She is very pretty. Independent.  Smart. etc. Immediately, I felt my heart beating faster.  A nervousness of not wanting to mess this up.  The pressure to perform.  Focused on the other person.  Talk. Share. Be entertaining. 

We gave ourselves an out before meeting. One drink. Hang out for an hour.  We were there for 3 ½ hours.  We only stopped because she wanted to get home to her daughter, and she worked early in the morning.

As we walked to her car, we passed mine. I had bought this flower for her.  A little potted flower. Nothing extravagant.  Just enough to put a smile on someone’s face.  I was nervous and felt silly about giving it to her.  I did. She lite up and said, “thank you”.

What happens next?  Who knows?  Maybe nothing.  It could have just been a nice night for two people to get out of their routines. Two people that related to one another and shared a night.  Two people that met online.  Then in person.  And that was that.

The result of that meetup, we will see.  What did happen is an understanding that fear was again the villain coming over the hill.  I the defender.  A 3 ½ hour lesson that age has little to do with romance or feeling the feels.

It is hard not to feel, or think, or say I lost a decade being around a… less than desirable person. A lost decade to a… not great partner.  That is my reality and truth for those years.

No matter what happened with that lost decade; no matter the reality and truth of it; no matter how you try and see or categorize it, that decade is not today day.  That decade is the past.  It was viewed differently as it was happening. Just as it was viewed differently during the divorce.  Just as it was viewed differently after the divorce. It is viewed differently moment to moment, minute by minute, day by day.  Determined by whatever is being thought about in that moment.   Determined by whatever is going well or not well in life then.

Two nights ago had nothing to do with the past.  It was the present.  It was that moment.  The moment when tired, scared, beaten down, worn out, walking down the hill, it was learned there is still fight in me. No, not fight.  Nope.

It was learned there is more than a single fear influencing my thoughts.  More fears lurking.  Waiting to come over the hill.  Those fears are the past.

The past is just that.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… in the present.

Meditation has been one of the To-Do List focuses the past few months.  The practice started with the Headspace App.  Now using the Waking Up with Sam Harris App (so far, liking Sam’s better).

The struggle with meditation, which seems to be the biggest issue, are the random thoughts floating in and out.  Creating space and time to focus on nothing.  A crazy oversimplification.  Part of the practice / point is to acknowledge the thought. Then let the thought go. 

Thoughts going in and out are not a failure to meditate.  Have those thoughts coming into and out of your mind is normal.  Learning that is part of the reason you are meditating.

This morning the thoughts were going in and out. At times, not even realizing Sam was talking, because thoughts were wandering so much.  Acknowledging this.  Realizing I was out of the moment of mediation and bringing it back.

In that moment, an of acknowledgment that thoughts were winning, and non-thoughts were losing.  One of those wandering thoughts was: this is the only time of day where there is an attempt to sit without any distraction.  5-10 minute was all the mind gets.

Days spent listening to podcasts, making coffee, driving to work, logging into work, making to-do lists, writing in a journal, looking at email, chatting through Marco Polo with friends, texting friends and family, doing laundry, reading a book, on and on. 

Waking at 5am (roughly) and going to bed at 930 pm (approximately) provides an estimated 16.5 hours of awake time.  That means 16 hours and 20 minutes is spent doing all those things.  Of that, only 10 minutes is spent trying to give the brain a break. 

It was during meditation this morning that the idea of Non-Meditation came about (Anti-Meditation or Un-Meditation were the other two names thought up).  Meditation will be part of the day.  Taking the mental space and time to journal and think thoughts about what goes into that journal will still be a focus of the day. 

Now, there will also be 10 minutes to sit in a meditation position.  To put mind and body at the ready to meditate.  Set a timer for 10 minutes.  Then think. 

No trying to acknowledge those thoughts and let them go. No pen in hand. No journal nearby. No intention to take those thoughts and make anything of them. For ten minutes the mind is free to wander.

(This does come up in the Headspace App and Sam does a good job of making sure to say these thoughts will happen. That is okay. With a short focus, or the purpose to get to bring it back to meditation.)

This is setting an intention to think the thoughts and have no other point or purpose. Sit  comfortably.  Take a moment to start breathing.  Clear the mind.  Dedicate 30 seconds to creating the space.  Then… wander and think.

Give it a try.  It may be the most important 10 minutes you spend today.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… thinking thoughts.

At bedtime, last night my daughter asks, “Tell me a story from when you were a kid.”  This has become a standard part of our bedtime routine.  It is nice she wants to hear those stories.  It brings memories to the forefront and gives her a glimpse into her father’s past.

After years of these stories, they are starting to repeat or get obscure.  She is sweet enough to say, “It’s okay if you tell one I’ve heard before”.  Last night, somehow, a story about the courting of my high school girlfriend (to be fair it is a great story) was told.   She followed the story with, “Then you met my mom and married her?”

That was a heartbreaking question. 

The story of how she came to be.  Her mom’s and I relationship did not start in the best way and got less honorable.  She was conceived in lies and manipulation.  Neither one of her parents are displayed in the best light.

That her story is one not out of love is a constant ringing in the background.  When she is older what story will she hear?  Ultimately, no matter how someone else acted and behaved, the important thing is she is and has been loved since day one.  Her origin story is not the focus.  It was what happened after that matters.

That future weighs heavy on my heart.  It has for years.  My daughter’s truth, a looming storm.  Yet, there is still time to process and learn a better way to tell the story.

Ultimately, honesty won and she was told those stories will be heard when she is older.  She wanted to know why being older mattered.  It is just a more adult story that will be shared later.  It took a little convincing, but she decided 8 would be old enough.  Probably not. 

That her story cannot be told to her now is sad.  There are many things in parenting that are hard.  This story has been lying in wait.  It is starting to come out of the shadows.

No matter how things are going with parenting. No matter how you may think you have a handle on it.  Those moments you are not ready for, wanting, or anticipating are coming.  Everything you do to prepare now will only help when provided these obstacles.

That is no different than the everyday life of anyone.  What are you preparing for?  In life.  In work.  In relationships.  In health.  In parenting.  Your reaction will dictate what happens next.  You must prepare yourself for your best possible reaction.

My daughter’s question last night had been thought about and processed in the past.  I was not totally unprepared, just not ready for it yet.  What happens next?  I have no idea.  But, I am preparing.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… and storyteller.

I used to wonder why I turned out the way I did.  What motivate this thought, or action?  What was the purpose of this or that choice?  Why react one way to one thing and another way to something else? Too long living in the “if”, “but” and “why”.  The past.  Curiosity has been lost. The focus and reasons changed.

One of the fundamental changes of my life was having a daughter.  “Of course,” you say. “Having a kid should change your life.”  And to some that is true.  So many changes.  Both in good ways, and in other… different ways. Pretending the negatives do not exist is ignorant and a disservice to my daugther.  And a lie.  To me and to her.

Yet, what is not said, or acknowledge as much, are the changes the child can have on you.  They will say: You will not sleep.  They will take all your time.  You will have to start saving differently. No more nights out.  On and on.  All the negatives of how they will adjust your life.

They will counter that with: You will  have so much love for them.  They will become your world.  You will have this little child to raise and depend on you.  A life you are now in charge of protecting.  On and on.

Early on there was a book read that said kids eats what you eat.  So, I started eating better.  Your child mirrors what you do.  So, be more patient and calmer.  You child learns from watching you.  Run more.  Exercise more.  Model healthy behavior.  Your child will do what they see you doing.  Read more.  Read to them.  Take them to libraries.  What do they have to play with?  Art supplies.  Physical toys that create movement.  Things she controls and builds with.  Screens are not good for them.  Then lessen screens.

I have done what I can to be a better father.  More reading.  Observing.  Meditate to stay calmer.  Learn to wait.  Better time management.  Pause. Be the mirror she looks into and can sees a possible future.  A future of books, healthy eating, exercise, better choices.  Seeing herself as strong.  Fun.  Intelligent.  Secure.  Empathetic.  Responsible.  Learning.  Growing.  Changing.  Evolving.

Then you must be those things.  My insecurities had to be worked on.  I needed to eat better.  Run more.  Read more.  Write more.  Paint more.  Create more.

My daughter is raising her father to be better.  Just as her father is raising her to be better.  She changed many things in my life.  Some for the better, some that would be done differently with present knowledge.  Yet, is it undeniable, her birth was the catalyst for me to evolve.  To get out of coasting through life.  To not say “if”, “but”, and “why”.  Instead to look at those past behaviors and say, “Okay.  Now what?”

She took a person living in the past and guided him the present.  There were only two choices.  Be better or not.  That was it.  I looked at her and said, I will try to be better.  More work went into keeping my head above water the first 38 years of my life, than the previous 7.  Now, there is less treading water and more swimming in it.

It is why I am writing these very words.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… being raised to be a better father, by a better daugther.

Knowledge is…

Understanding; Comprehension

Growth; Connection

Kindness; Power (the right kind)

Knowledge is patience

When you learn you gain knowledge.

Knowledge provides reason(s) why.

Reasons why creates understanding.

Understanding makes connections.

Connections transport you from the present

to the future.

The future is the reason why

the present actions are okay.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… understanding actions

The best parenting books have nothing about parenting in their title, or sub-title.  As a matter of fact, as near as I can tell, none of them were written to be parenting books.  That is a bold statement to be sure.  Not all the parenting books have been read.  Yet, many books have been read.  Especially recently.

It is good to learn to swaddle a baby.  It is nice to know why they stop crying when you stand up vs rocking them.  It feels like you are doing something when you squirt mom’s milk, or formula on your arm to test how hot it is (you literally shrug and hope it is an okay temperature). 

Those are the things you will discover or fumble your way to and through.  Other’s people’s advice may or may not help.  For some reason people treat babies like they are all the same.  “If you just do *blank* then the baby will respond *blank*”.  If you do *blank and do not get *blank* response, you are a bad parent or you got a weird kid (not literally, but it can feel that way). 

People’s advice is based on what worked for them, mixed with all the things they do not know.  As if babies are not individual people the moment they come out.  Mostly, other people will get in the way and not be there when you need them.  In all given moments, it is you and the baby.  If you focus too much on what other people say and it does not work, you get frustrated that it is not working. Not because of you or the baby, but because you were told (therefore believed in those weaker moments) it would work.

Does that help?  The only thing that matters in any moment is you and the child.  In that moment.  It is good to have a bag of things to try. Ultimately paying attention to the child and how she or he is responding is what will work.

If there were only one topic you could read about on raising a child, it is how the brain develops.  All the rest is suggestions and guessing games (which is exactly what reading about the brain is. Just a better head start).  If you ever ask someone for advice or help or thoughts on raising a child and they say, “if you are asking that question, then you’ll do just fine”… kick them and run away (do not kick them but run away. Grab your kid and read them a story. Now you are going to be “just fine”.  Kidding).

I have listened to multiple podcasts and audiobooks.  I have read books and had discussions with friends and family about raising a child.  Quit literally nothing feels better than having something you are doing reaffirmed by a mom or dad friend.  The social norms, the questioning, the loneliness, the “what the suck am I doing” does not go away. A random affirmation can part clouds and bring out the sun.

Learning about how the brain develops is understanding what is happening with your child.  Knowing the reason why will make all the difference.  What are the chances you will get frustrated watching your child drop food on the floor once?  Twice?  20 times?  What is your break point? When do you say, or hear, “it’s just a game to them now”?  “You need to teach to them not drop food on the floor.”  “Stop that.  Keep your food on your tray.” 

Now, what if you knew / understood that is them learning spatial awareness?  They are teaching themselves an important lesson.  Maybe it gets game like, as if that is bad, but for a reason.  How you interact with them in those moments. How you respond in those moments will affect their next time.  And the next.  How they continue to work with and interact with the world will be developed in these moments.  Knowledge is power.

Here is the thing, this never ends.  Our brains only stop when we stop (like dead stop).  Were you prepared to learn and explore for the entirely of your life?  Were you shamed for trying and wondering, because the adult ill-intentioned or not, did not understand what was happening?

The above statement is not just about a baby’s brain.  It is about the brain, a brain, all brains.  Learning patience and being calm will or will not be learned by your child.  Are you a patient and calm person now?  You could be if you wanted.

Raising a baby is not just about “taking care of them”, “or keeping them alive” (though there are days of getting from point a to point b. a= wake; b=sleep).  It is about being a better person.  You will never be perfect, there is no such thing.  But you will learn that to.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… learning to be better.

Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain | Lisa Feldman Barrett

Sanjay Gupta | Official Publisher Page | Simon & Schuster (simonandschuster.com)

There are roadblocks in our lives.  Whether it is a person (ex, wife, boss, friend, stranger on the street), a thing (broken car, not enough money, better job), a situation (childcare, elderly parents, family issues), or whatever your unique roadblock may be.

I am not of the camp that believes “if only you would/could do ‘x’ you could improve your life”.  There are too many outside factors that work against us.  Too many choices outside our control putting stones on our path.

The last couple of posts have involved my daughter and dealing with the other side her family (stone on my path).  The reason for those posts is simple.  Writing helps to work it out.  You are the invisible audience made real.  Even if no one read any of this, the act of creating and posting allows for the brain to imagine someone will.

Considering the audience creates a desire to edit.  The focus goes from the internal to the external.  It creates a need for a point and a purpose.  Not just rants.  Words have weight and meaning.

Driving to pick up my daugther yesterday I was reflecting on those previous posts.  This started as a parenting / divorcing blog / podcast.  It is a choice to share those frustrations because everyone has something or someone that creates friction in their lives.  That is inevitable.  What we do about it is up to us.  Fear of the future kept me from the present.  Failing to talk about and identify those fears exasperated them. 

All the time and effort and work others put into writing blogs and books and newsletters played a role in finding solutions.  Identifying what was truly in the way.  What was really creating and causing friction.  What was holding me back. That falls to me.  I did not have the tools necessary when they were needed.

That is one of the many reasons for writing here.  To share the tools.  To let you know you are not alone.  The more you share, the more you talk, the more you are willing and able to expose, the better the chance someone will benefit.  Just remember to stop and which to listening if they are ready to walk through.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… working to be a better father.