An early memory was someone saying, “Oh, you’re done deaf like me”. An off handed observation, said in jest, that ripped through and took away.  If you think words do not carry weight, even words said with no ill intent, you would be wrong.  It is a wise lesson to learn. 

Those words, while hurtful, are not wrong.  They just never had a replacement.  There was never a follow-up. So, that part was left empty. 

Those words led to opportunities being passed up.  Became excuses to not try.  A lifetime of questions and judgements from others.  Why? Because an introverted kid was told he was not good at something from someone that mattered. From then on, he did his best to blend in and not stick out. For worry more words would take more pieces away.

Why try when something just is not there?

Until…

At an early age, like most parents, I would sing to my daughter to put her to sleep or calm her down (queue the jokes, I have heard them).  It worked.  There was even one song that could bring her down from a total baby meltdown.  When she got older and used “sing to me daddy” as a bedtime stall tactic. There were two Tom Petty songs she would hear to help her fall asleep.

She still asks me to her sing to her at bedtime.  That is when a change occurs.  At night.  Lights out.  Sitting beside the bed.  My hand on her arm or holding her hand.  It is then I sing like Tom Petty.  Two of his songs that she has been falling asleep to for years.  I am singing “The Apartment Song” and “All Right For Now”. In that moment we could stand on stage and harmonize note for note.

I do not understand the how or  why of this is.  It does not happen outside of these moments (that anyone has said.  And trust me, they would say).  It is reminiscent of the stories of a mom picking a car up off her kid (only, you know, not that).  In these moments, a little boy gets pieces of himself back, taken long ago.  He gets them back and gives them to his daugther. 

You would think something precious, once taken, would be coveted, not freely given.  You would be wrong.

A Vegan Father… singing in tune at night.

Posted.  Not Perfect.

The other day The Daily Dad podcast was about how small our children are.  How they are learning to navigate the world.  That adults need to provide grace and patience as they stumble, trip, fall, or break something. 

It was not long ago my daughter felt my frustration at her “not paying attention”. For knocking stuff over and spilling things.  “Pay attention.  Have spatial awareness of yourself and the things around you.”  Not long after these moments of frustrations my daugther made a comment, after slipping and falling, that she is clumsy (I have no way of knowing of what happens at her mom’s house, or what is said there, but this felt like a direct response to what I had been saying about awareness).

Queue heartbreak.  The beginnings of understanding that something was not handled well.  Then, The Daily Dad’s podcast.  Queue the understanding. Queue the apology.  Followed by a talk of the proper way to handle situations.  A talk about how her body is growing and changing.  Teaching her it is normal for her to stumble and fall and slip.  And that is okay.  I was wrong.

The lesson is to pause.  What is causing this reaction?  Lack of knowledge.  Lack of understanding.  Lack of patience. It can be learned with a Google search what happens in a 7-year-old body progressing to 8.  How their balance can be off as they grow.  In those moments, a child was made to internalize feeling clumsy.  Something she has zero control over (I tear up as this is being written).

My reaction taught her to react first.  “Why am I so clumsy?” There is no going back and changing what was said.  However, in the present:  “I was wrong.  You are not slipping and falling because of a comment about spatial awareness.  You are growing.  Your body is changing and adjusting.  You may slip a little every day as you change.  Those stumbles are positive.  They show you are growing and changing.  I apologize my lack of knowledge made you feel you were clumsy”.

Better.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… doing more today to better tomorrow.

Listen to my podcast A Better Father. Found on all your favorite listening places.

The Daily Dad – Every Dad Needs a Little Help

Being a parent is hard.  Not in the cliched way (I am not a fan of parenting clichés).  It is hard because you must work to be better. That is not  a common view, as a parent or non-parent.  We tend to make our children adjust to us.  Take a square peg and file them down until the fit into whatever other spot we want them to fit in. To be a better father, I needed to eat better, be more active, understand why we do what we do, why we think what we think, why we eat what we eat. 

In short, no longer was I able to just do whatever felt good or right because. There was a need to understand “why” on a deeper level. To be able to express and talk with my daugther about “why”.  To better answer her questions and not bully her with “because I said so”.

My life, until 8 years ago, was based on random learns and motivations.  A gut feeling of right or not right.  A life based on what felt good, without, hopefully, doing harm to others.  Eat well, read, watch less TV, run.  Why? They felt good and were supposed to be good for you.  Life just was.  Then my daugther came to be. It was no longer good enough to do without the understanding of “why”. 

A few weeks ago, I told my daughter if ever a conflict arose with what she was told between her two houses, it was okay for her to ask about those differences.  That there was logic and purpose to the choices made in our home.  There was nothing that could not be backed up or explained without proof and reason. 

This reinforces what she is learning here. To not be afraid to ask questions about what she is being taught and told.  Questions to the point, where if she makes a good argument, then we can change a choice that is being made.  The goal is to teacher her that this is our home.  That she has ownership over thing that happen within these walls.

With that said, it would not be above me to get upset about what she is experiencing at her mom’s house.  That does not help my daugther or me. Instead, the choice is made to find a path to conversations, give reasons, and logically working through those differences.  Building a foundation for  understanding the “why’s” in life. 

She is learning to ask questions.  To challenge information, views, thoughts, and reasons, of the information she is being taught / told. 

This is something we could all be doing better.  We work within a framework.  We exist inside the boxes that we were taught and told to live inside. There is comfort with those boxes and that structure.  Yet, that does not put a dent in the universe.  None of us will make it out of here alive.  We can drift off gracefully into the night;  or we can drive the car full throttle until we go back in time, or crash in a giant blaze (figuratively, if not literally).

Ask questions.  Challenge what you were taught.  Push past acceptance.  It  may not make you popular or rich (or maybe it will, who firkin’* knows?).  You will be curious.

When I am no longer of this earth, I hope my daugther describes me as a father who showed her it was okay to ask questions and taught her to be curious.

A Vegan Father… curious question asker.

*I had “frickin’” there, but spell check wanted to make it “firkin”.  Defined as: a small wooden vessel or cask; a unit of volume or mass used in several situations. Its etymology is likely to be from the Middle English ferdekyn, probably from the Middle Dutch diminutive of vierde ‘fourth’. Firkin also describes a small wooden vessel or tub for butter, lard, etc

That is such a better word, even though it does not fit correctly.  We are making it ours.

This blog was started to share thoughts on parenting. To encourage me to work harder to have a purpose beyond the self.  To read, learn and share what was read and learned. It was about accountability in parenting.

The weight of the title “a better father” was lost on me during the late-night run when it was created.  Not having the title was an excuse for not writing or podcasting.  Without a good title, what’ the point?  With the title, the excuse to stay stagnate was gone. The desire to write more, record more, read more with a purpose grew.  What came first, the soybean, or the tofu?  The desire to write was internal and trapped. The title externalized what was dormant and hidden.

The most impactful aspects from the blog were sharing and talking with my daughter about what was learned.  She knows I read for pleasure.  She knows I read to write.  She knows I blog to share.  She knows I podcast to put thoughts and feelings and information into the world.  Therefore, she learned to read for pleasure, gain knowledge, and share what has been learned.

What was the weight failed to be recognized when creating the title “a better father”?  Better is moving and improving.  Better is more than… this moment, the next moment, the previous response.  Better does not allow for “good enough”.  Better implies a need for improvement. The weight of “a better father” is focus and determination to improve. Admitting the need to improve.  Something not easy for people to do.

“Are you a good father?”  I am getting better every day.

A Vegan Father… who never understood the weight of better, until there was a need to get better.

Posted. Not Perfect.

On 4/21/2021 a blog titled, “No Future Just The Present… Or Be Here Now” was published.  On 4/22/2021 Seth Godin published on his blog:

Ending it Gracefully:

Just about every business, every initiative and every intervention fails sooner or later. Since that’s demonstrably true, it’s worth considering how you intend to fail when the time comes. You can pull out every stop, fight every step of the way, mortgage your house and your reputation–and still fail. Or, perhaps, you can quit in a huff at the first feeling of frustration. The best path is clearly somewhere between the two. And yet, too often, we leave this choice unexamined. Deciding how and when to quit before you begin is far easier and more effective than making ad hoc decisions under pressure.  (Ending it gracefully | Seth’s Blog (seths.blog))

The morning was spent processing if this was in conflict or harmony with my post. Seth’s is about planning and be prepared for a possible future.  Not being caught off guard by the present.

After writing the post on 4/21 I remembered a story of a mother overseas that was trapped in an abusive relationship with her husband.  She would hide a little money here, a little there for years.  Then, when the timing felt right, took her daugther and fled (I will try and find the story*).  It would appear she was not in the present.  Saving and scrapping by for a possible future.

She did not pretend there was no future.  She just double downed on her present. Focusing on what she could do in her present.  Even though she could not know what tomorrow would bring. What she could influence was her.  She did that by doing her best not to upset her situation.  She had no idea if she would be discovered.  She did not know the daily actions, or reactions of an abusive husband.  She theorized a future with no date.  She focused on what she could in the present. With no true concept it would one day lead to a different future.  Just a hope that maybe it would.

Would I change anything from the past 9 nine years? Based on what was written two days ago and after processing Seth’s blog… no.  First, not possible. So, let that question go. It serves nothing and will only make things worse if you get caught in that spiral.  Second, there is no telling what the future will bring.  Be focused on the present.

The future is barely formed and created by today.  So much of tomorrow is out of our control.  Being ignorant of the future is not what was being written about.  It is about Ignoring the present, being too concerned about a future and the past.

In the present the choice is made to read  books on health, politics, the brain. With the goal it will make me a better person and a better father tomorrow.  The present informs the future, it does not predicate it. 

Could things have been different for the past 9 years for a better present?  Potentially.  The thing is to learn from the past, not wish to change it.  Where were the blind spots, moments to ask for help, to reach out instead of “go it alone”?  That is the pasts purpose.  Reflect and question in the present, to better understand what and why.

Learn from the past.  Live in the present. Understand there is a future.

Two years from now? There is no predicating what life will be like.  If it is good? Do we take credit for that? Praise our choices leading to that good?  If it is bad?  Blame the past?  Fear the future? When we live outside the present, it is easy to blame and be angry if things do not go well.  It allows for the creation of distance and not accepting. 

The present is all we have.  There is no controlling yesterday or tomorrow.  There is just now.  Take a walk or do not.  Call a friend or do not.  That is now. Focus on the now.  Fear of the future can break us.  Regrets from the past can break us.  In the present we are.

Seth’s blog post is understanding that the future is unknown.  After writing this and thinking it through, it is not in contrast to my post.  It is in compliment to it.  He is saying (better and more succinctly) that the future is unknown.  We need to plan and prepare now for what may come.  We do this by being present.

Of course, my daughter will go to school.  Of course, she will need to get her homework done.  Of course, she will have the option (hopefully) to go to college if she chooses.  Yet how that is handled today will shape how she views those options in her tomorrow.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… living in the present, aware there is tomorrow.

*I tried to find this specific story through Google.  It is a horrible rabbit hole of similar stories awfully familiar to the one written about here.  Unfortunately, this story represents far too many.

It is hard to put our phones down, ignore them, and not look at them.  This is not a technology rant.  Just stating.  Yesterday, driving my daughter to school, the phone was left at home.  She talked and talked.  Because of the phone not being in the car and distracting me?  Because she had a lot to say (while not seeing dad distracted)?  Would she have seen it and figured it wasn’t worth talking?  Cannot really say. 

What can be said is it was an amazing drive to school.  One of those drives where you learn a lot about this person you helped make. Because, as much as we like to pretend our child(ren) come first, how often are we staring at a screen?  This is not a rant about that either.

This is about the drive back, after dropping her off.  No iPhone.  No Marco Polo.  No Podcast.  No looking anything up (if one were to ever do that while driving.  Which, one would not).  Just driving and thoughts in the head. 

Which lead to a thought about something to do with the ex. No remembrance of what it was.  But there is an estimated 98% chance it was not a great thought, memory, or remembrance.  What did come from it was building on the philosophy to go with “What if…”. (You may have guessed it from the title.)

As the thought came in unwanted, the next thought was, “Ok… And?” (I really like ellipses).  That is it.  She did “x”, said “x”, acted “x”.  Have the thought.  Take the thought, then “Ok… And?” it.  That let the thought go.  Which is why the thought cannot be recalled.  It was let go. 

Maybe it was a thought about the time she said I was a bad parent. Ok… And?  That is it.  She is not the person that question should be presented to.  She is not the authority on that.  That is what she thinks.  It means nothing.  It is gone.

It was a freeing feeling.  It started to rule the day.  My boss doesn’t like me, “Ok… And?”.  Start looking for a new job (which I am).  Avoid her when you can.  Talk to people in the office who do like you and see your worth.  On and on.

So, if you have a moment where someone says something negative to you, treats you poorly, you remember something from an ex, on and on, just say, “Ok… And?”  See if that helps your brain let it go and move on. 

The other benefit is it can help you pause to resolve an issue or question.  It is a prompt for your mind to not focus on the negative but to come to resolution.  “X” happened at work.  Ok… And?  Well, I can talk with the person the issue happened with.  I can avoid the person.  I can ask if anyone else is having a problem.  I can. I can. I can. Our brains need something to get us out of a spiral.  This is mine.  It is yours now to, if you like.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… who had a better day.

Why focus on what is not? Sacrificing now for a tomorrow not guaranteed.  We work to prepare our children for their future.  We bring them to school. Set-up playdates. Make them study.  Keep them inside to prepare for college, work, a life we believe they should have.  Doing what we believe to be right, setting them up for a  successful future. 

Doing this, how often are we neglecting now? Telling ourselves it is to provide a better tomorrow?  Yet how many times have we been wrong about tomorrow? The thing is tomorrow is coming no matter what we do today.  There is no control over tomorrow.  No influencing what tomorrow brings. 

The cosmic joke is we are playing make believe.  Doing what feels right in the moment, in the hopes it somehow sets us up for a better tomorrow.  Yet, no matter how many times we work to believe we have control it can be taken away in a blink.

Everyday is an excuse to not do something. Call a parent.  An old friend.  Make a new friend.  Be shameless.  Be present.  Forgo pretense.  One of the worst “self-help” questions is:  What would you do if you had six months to live?  The point is to get you to focus differently on the things that matter in life.  However, in seven months the bills must be paid.  The answer of, “do copious amounts of cocaine, have as much sex as possible, and leave nothing behind”, does not really work.

Modifying the question in anyway does not work.  We cannot live that way.  Until we know we are dying (come find me then if I have a heads up).  The cosmic joke again, we are all dying.  When we die *poof*.  That is it (even you have beliefs outside of that, you are gone from earth).  Anything we have done or said means nothing. We no longer carry the weight of any past actions. Just… gone.

8 years ago, my life was great.  Then a choice was made that changed the definition of how “great” was defined.  Then a daugther that was never planned was born.  The definition of “great” got modified.  Then this.  Then that.  A rollercoaster.  Outside the bubble of her and I, nothing was happening that would be defined as “great”.

What does that have to do with “there is no future without the present”?  Ask me 8.5 years ago where I would be today.  Yup, nothing close to this moment.  Somewhere along those lines, the choice was made to focus on my daughter in our present.  Life outside of her was not good.  Focusing on the present was what it took to make it from one day to the next.  Be here now.  Get to bed.  Start over.  Be here now.  Get to bed.  Start over.

Had the future been the focus, chances are my daugther would have been ignored.  The days would have been fraught with worry by things outside of my control.

During the divorce I worried about the future.  When focusing on my daughter’s future wellbeing, the present was neglected.  The future envisioned crumbled to fear.  The present was lost in a haze.  The first few months being out of a bad situation sucked more than the bad situation.

Then the present came into focus.  The future does not exist.  Literally does not exist (and if it does in some crazy Matrix sort of way, it does not to our consciousness.  So, point stands).  The present is the focus. The future happens regardless of whatever we do today.   I have a bad habit of saying, “I could get hit by a bus tomorrow”.  Yet, the truth is, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.  Or pick your poison, which may literally be a poison. 

If this were to pass,  what is the last memory my daugther will have of me?  In our car, driving to school with her talking and talking and talking.  And me listening.  Not a fight. Not yelling.  Not an iPhone being chosen over her.  Not music in the car playing over her.  Just her talking and dad listening. That seems like a good memory to end on, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow.

If you want to talk about preparing for the future, about the importance of school, a degree, etc., then we can have that conversation.  For now, let us be right here, and see what the future brings.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… writing in the present.

Last night my daughter came to me with a secret she was told by a friend.  She is at the age where crushes start happening (so, that has been the secret to share lately).  This is a time to show respect and understanding.  To remind her she is trusted, but not alone. If it is something told does not feel right to keep, she can share it without negative repercussions.  If it is something “not good”, sometimes secrets need to be shared.

She said Sally (not her real name) said her other friend Tami (also, not her real name) does not like her (my daugther).  That Tami only plays with her because Sally makes her.

BAM.  Que daddy defense mode.

“Well, Tami comes over here to play with you when Sally’s not even here…”, “Tami comes here when you are not here, knocking on the door asking for…” example after example.

Daddy defense mode.  Protect her feelings, emotions, wellbeing.  Daddy insecurity mode.  Do not create negative feelings at our home.  Do not let her friends at her mom’s house win over her friends here.  (Not a great way to approach things, but this place is about being nakedly honest… mostly).

What could have been better choices:  How does that make you feel?  Does that seem true to you?  What possible reason / motivation would Sally have to say that to you?

Now, let her talk.  Wait your turn, if at all.  Let her express her thoughts and emotions. Do not start telling her what they are. Let her walk a path to determine if it seems true Tami does not like her.

That is how I woke up.  Why did I tell and not ask?  Today, ask if this comes up again.  Tell her if it comes up, I should have asked, not told last night.  This is about her perspective and feelings.  Then listen more, speak less.

This is an example of getting better, of learning, of trying to do better, of trying to be a better father. We will never be all the things.  Every interaction will not go the way it could or should.  If we are trying to improve and get better.  If we are learning and seeking growth and improvement. These moments will be recognized and identified.  Then, next time, modified. 

This is not a game with a buzzer and final score.  This is practice, though.  If your intentions are good, you will come back later and do better than the previous time. 

To do that, you need to stay present and accountable.  She probably does not even know I “messed up” last night.  Later, she will know her thoughts, feelings and sharing last night was taken seriously and not brushed off.

Posted. Not perfect.

A Vegan Father… learning to ask and listen and talk less.

There is no telling what today will bring.  It is a nice Saturday in mid-April in the mid-west.  It is 7am.  My daugther is catching up on sleep from the previous five days.  Birds are outside the window enjoying the seeds my daughter and her friends scattered across the lawn. We have plans to pick up her 4^th quarter school supplies in 3 hours.  There is an acai truck she wants to go to for lunch.  The library reopened their bookstore recently.  .50 cents for kids’ books.  Last week we got about $150.00 worth of books for $8.50.

If today goes like most others, shortly my daughter will wake.  She will come downstairs holding the Hobbes tiger purchase nearly a year ago.  She will crawl onto my lap and cuddle into me.  Then she will go through the dramatic play of asking for breakfast (it is a whole thing for her).

We are currently experiencing many pressures.  Things waiting and lurking in the background.  This could be a great day.  Something could happen to throw it off. 

Right now, is good.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… appreciating the pause moments.

As a follow up. My daughter woke up at 710. Came downstairs. Cuddled into my lap and started talking about, well, anything that popped into her head. Then she started the routine of asking for toast for breakfast.

We are not born a clean slate.  It is not nature vs nurture.  It is nature and nurture.  That this has ever been debated, proves an inherent ignorance of the human condition.

There will always be genetic markers that start us off.  DNA strands that come with us to the starting line.  Some of those markers will be more dominate.  Some submissive.  Yet, they are the foundation for when starting gun goes off.  From there it is a race until we die.  Not being morbid, just a fact. 

We know touch matters to a baby.  We know yelling interrupts neural connections in the brain.  We know bad touch negatively affects growth and development.  Nature put us here.  Nurture starts to form our understanding of the world we were brought inhabit.

A foundation is laid.  We cannot go back in time to change the structure that was established by the time we reach adulthood.  Yet, we can modify, rebuild, restructure, make improvements and modifications based on updated information.  A willingness to acknowledge that changes may need to be made.

How?

Example and influence.

Listening to the Vergecast podcast this morning they talked about the random old cords they have laying around. There was an immediate release of the chemicals in my brain that connected, felt great, aligned with what they were talking about.  It was funny and accepted that cords fill multiple drawers.

After that initial release of the connection chemicals in my brain, the acknowledgement that I have been trying to declutter came back.  A minimalist lifestyle.  Getting rid of “stuff”.  eBay, Varagesale, donations, what’s not needed, what can be let go.

Influence matters.  What we ingest, what we pay attention to.  What we choose to focus on.  What we want to achieve and accomplish matters.  Influences matter.  A lifetime of poor examples.  You are working against those.  Not understanding that you are working against those examples.  Trying to fight a foundation laid long ago and working against those influences.

Finding examples, people to look up to.  People that model our desired behavior can influence and change behaviors.  Bitter and upset by a divorce or break-up?  Find a group of people that sit around complaining about an ex and their situation and how they got screwed.  Drink and complain and justify how things went wrong because “she’s a *blank*”. Or…

Decide being a good parent is more important.  Realize you tried and it did not work.  Look at you parents’ example (depending on your situation) and think that is not going to be us.  Bitter and angry begets bitter and angry.  Now, my daugther does not have a horrible example of what love, marriage and relationships are supposed to look like.  That may suck.  It shouldn’t’ have been that way, but you can’t change someone else.  So, this is what you have been handed (nature) what are you going to do with it (nurture).

You can influence your nature (move, surround yourself with better people, get a new job, etc.), and you can influence the nurture (read books, listen to experts on how to properly move one, watch documentaries, etc.).

The stoic saying is you cannot control what happens to you (though, I believe we can make choices to  influence what happens to us, but point taken).  You can only control your reaction (which, is technically correct, but the reaction will be based on the work you have done to determine that reaction.  One of the reasons I am not a super fan of quotes anymore.  They do not properly expound upon the work and effort it takes to understand and accomplish an end goal.  Most are quick hits that distract from the actual work it takes to accomplish real change).

I often preference we are all doing our best.  That life is hard, and we are taking our hits and doing what we think is right.  Many times in life keeping my head above water took nearly everything.  Close to drowning on multiple occasion.  But we can do better.  It takes work.  It requires finding better influences and examples to help guide us to a better reaction, a better place, a better response, a better life.  Then, we do it again.  And again.  And again.  We do not start over.  We build.  We modify.  We rebuild.  We gut a room and redesign it. 

We can literally rewire our brains to respond differently to different stimuli.  Connections and reactions were created once.  They can be created a second time, a third time, a fourth.

Stories and parables are great, but they need to stay stories and parables.  Not become life lessons.  If we are told, and subsequently come to believe, change, work, and life is pushing a boulder up a hill; then we will believe just that.  Internalize it.  Come to see life as a boulder needing to pushed up a hill.  We are defeated before we start.  Overwhelmed.  Struggling and giving up before we start.  Or thinking this is what it takes to live.

Change is not hard.  It is not a bolder up a hill.  It is time.  Not easy, but not so difficult we need to feel defeated before we start.  It is a walk.  A climb.  We need only carry what we choose to carry.  If anything, as we walk and climb, we can shed what we realize no longer serves us.  We need to carry the weight of the past.  We can see it. Acknowledge it. Understand it is part of our path. Always somewhere on our hill. We cannot change what happened, what was, what others did, what others will do.  Yet, we can set it down. Make the journey forward and up better. Not easy.  Better.  Their choice, while it may have affected us, need not be a weight we carry.  Set it down.  Leave it where it lies.  Move forward.  Keep climbing. 

Pushing a boulder would block our view.  The weight would distract us from change.  Instead enjoy the journey, take in nature that the earth nurtured to life.

Post.  Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father… walking up and setting things down.