Today I was reminded of moments from the past few years. It started while running with a random remembrance of an argument with the ex that happen at my grandmother’s funeral (well, just before going). She was yelling at me that I needed to wear a suit. Something I did not want to do nor was going to do. She told me she would buy me one. Do not need one (and thanks boss, for offering to bless me with a gift). There is more, but why waste the words?
That memory could have spiraled from there, but distraction was found by refocusing on the audio-book playing.
Run completed, getting into the shower I started playing The Daily Stoic YouTube channel. It talked about taking responsibility for your actions. About how Marcus Aurelius wrote “this” had to happen to me, because it could not have happened to anyone else.
The memories flooded in: divorce, bad divorce, bad person to marry, bad person to divorce, pandemic, part-time job, no insurance during said pandemic, loneliness, being alone, no where to go, locked inside, no money, lawyer charging my credit cards like I had rich parents that were footing the bill, and on and on and on.
Yet, The Daily Stoic sparked thoughts that maybe this all happened because I could handle it. Because I would not let the bastards get me down. That the universe saw in me something that said there needs to be balance and this person can handle it. The thought of taking this pain from another and placing it on my shoulders seems egotistical. Maybe spiritual or religious in some way, but I do not believe in those things. What I do believe in is balance. Yin and yang. If you push on something it either breaks or does not. Energy expands and contracts.
It is a belief in Eb and flow. To think any of this was easy would be ridiculous. To think it was asked for would be insane. To think of the long-lonely-hard-miserable-sad-nearly-breaking me moments of pulling myself off the ground, getting up and barely getting through the day can be paralyzing even now. Yet, to take this on to spare another. To keep another from feeling this and maybe not having the tools, friends, support, wonderful daughter, to get through this… okay.
Yesterday was harder than today. Tomorrow will be less hard today. Each step a step forward. Each moment continues to be another moment, which leads to another moment, which leads to another moment. It is a series of moments and understanding and recognizing some of those moment will be good, some okay, some not okay, etc., etc. A roll of the dice. Sometimes in your favor. Sometimes not. That is why you keep getting up. That is why you keep moving forward. You never know what the next moment will bring. Yet that is the exact reason to keep moving forward.
Who knows if any of this is true? Who knows if this is just ego and hearing a philosophical quote in a moment of contemplation? Who knows if this will change in a year, or a day, or an hour?
Right now, life continues forward and currently feeling better. Right now, those long, lonely days are a memory left for a past self that helped make the present self-better.
We will take what we can get. If it takes a little ego to create a scenario that helps to tell a story that gets us through, so be it.
A Vegan Father… creating stories of the past to make a better today.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Better Father 