Her Hero

One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with a child is developing the skills to talk with and discuss intricacies with another person about raising a child.  This seems universal.  As people we are not taught, therefore we do not learn, to talk, to listen, to share our thoughts and views in a positive, productive way.  To we are not appreciate perspectives from another’s point of view.  Honest talks and conversations with someone you love and care about are difficult.

Now, add divorce.  Sprinkle in judges and lawyers and shotty grandparents and feelings and hurt and anger and annoyance and disrespect and contempt.  Take a person that has done unkind things to you and figure out how to navigate an honest, open, positive conversation about an issue with parenting.  It can be panic inducing.

There is situation concerning my daughter that needs to be addressed.  More than a week has been utilized formulating words, putting to paper, rewriting, thinking about, fine-tuning an email to communicate this. So, the issue gets addressed.  Not to have the words misunderstand or misinterpreted.  That it protects my daughter and focuses on the issue.  Not create a negative reaction or response.  Even writing this the worry is the focus will not be where it needs to be.  That it will not be about the best interest of our child.  That it will create a defensive response.  The worry it will be an attack on me for what happened when not with me.  Another layer to consider.

While I continue to work on how to get the wording exactly right in an email, the problem persists of how to help my daughter.  What can be done to address the situation for her now, so the negative situation, when it happens again (and it will), she is better prepared to deal with it.

Now, let us talk about the good in a divorce. 

The learn to pay forward, part of the hurt and anger in a divorce is the thought, as a father, it is my job to protect my child.  Because that is the job of a  father; protect your daughter.  That is the roll.   That is the promise you make when you become a father.  When you have a girl, you protect your little girl.  If I cannot do that, then what is the point?  What happens next?

The first point is to understand that mindset is wrong. Two, it is not your job to protect your child. 

The job is to guide, to inform, to provide tools, to listen, to learn, to prepare, to teach.

My job is not to protect my daughter.  It is to provide the means for her to know what to do in situations.  If you think your job as a parent is to protect your child, you will fail.  Because you will never to there all the times.  You will never be all the things.  Ultimately, that mindset will weaken your child.  It will create a co-dependent relationship where they need you to make their choices.  They will look to you for right or wrong (and we are never always right). The feeling you get every time your child turns to you could power a city for a year, but it does not serve them.  It serves your ego.

Whenever my daugther wanted to try something “dangerous” (relatively speaking based on her age) climb a tree, explore a playground, use the jungle gym, etc., and she would say “hold me daddy”.  My response, “No, you’ll be okay. You got this”.  Sometimes that worked. Sometimes it did not.  Then I would say, “Okay, I’m not going to do it for you, but I’m here if you need help”. Sometimes hovering my hands under her so she felt an invisible encouragement.  I would not say “I’ve got you”, or “Dad’s got you”. Instead say, “If you need help while doing it, ask”.  The point was to make her father indistinguishable from a teacher, a friend, another parent, or a coach.

That is one of the hardest parts of parenting.  To be a good parent, you need to make it so you are no different than anyone else.  You need to find the moments that are special as a parent for yourself, not for them. 

Some parents do not get to put their kid to bed.  If you teach them you are the be all end all of putting them to bed, they will struggle.  That was for you, not them.  You feel the parenting “Oh, they just need me”. Instead of creating a situation where they will go to bed simply fine on their own, or with anyone.

The first time my daughter had a baby-sitter that would be putting her to bed I informed the sitter of the bedtime routine.  Fairly sure she thought I was a little crazy, but of course said “okay”.  When we got back the baby-sitter looked at me and said, “I did the bedtime routine.  I could feel her holding my hand as she fell asleep her hand it just went limp.  Just like you said”.

People said (no names mentioned) that things like her bedtime routine was about me.  That I was making my daughter rely on me, need me (projecting much?).  That I was as being obsessive about putting her to bed (a different blog post).  Nope.  It was about the routine.  About providing her comfort and structure.  Moments that could be done by anyone.  Follow the routine yes.  But anyone could do those routines.  If they choose to (no names will be mentioned who did not out of spite, to the detriment of my daughter).  That was the theory, the hope, and ultimately the result.  She did not need me.  She just needed comfort and consistency (which happened to be done by me 99.9% of the time).

Now, that gets extrapolated out to her current situation.  It is building new skills and new routines.  Only this time, ones to be done by her, for herself.  It is about  being able to trust and believe and have autonomy over herself and her choices.

Does it break my heart even now?  Of course.  Do I want to pick up a shield and sword and protect the gates of her castle? For her to think her father is the hero of her story.  You better believe it.  It is hard to step back. It is hard to not be at the gates protecting her castle.  Being seen by her, as her hero.

Yet, that would rob her of being the hero of her story.  For her to pick up the shield and sword and know she has got this.   One day I will fade away. No longer be here.  What are the consequences of  parenting if she does not know herself to the be hero of her story? Or being able to be the hero of her story?

I will write the email.  I will reach out to say something to ensure my daughter is safe.  And I will always talk with her about how to handle similar and other situations in the future.  Hopefully, building a bond of trust with me, or another authority figure when she requires advice.  She does not need me to show her where the sword and shield are.  She will know in her heart that “she’s got this” (as my hands still hover, just in case, because right or wrong, I cannot help myself).

Does this seem complex?  Good.  It should be.  Because it is.  Because if it was not, you would be doing something wrong.

A Vegan Father… watching the person become the hero.

Posted. Not Perfect.