When a man kisses his child, said Epictetus, he should whisper to himself, “To-morrow perchance thou wilt die.”—But those are words of bad omen.—”No word is a word of bad omen,” said Epictetus, “which expresses any work of nature; or if it is so, it is also a word of bad omen to speak of the ears of corn being reaped” (Epictetus, iii. 24, 88).
We dare not speak of, think of, speculate, or pontificate upon death. For most, death is fear. Ignored as if it will never come. Therefore, unprepared when it does. We travel through this world not scared, but ignorant. If we dare to think of our children dying, we are horrible.
Through Ryan Holiday’s books, newsletters, courses, and his two podcasts the idea of putting your kid to sleep and saying, “you could die tonight” was introduced.. It was just as upsetting then as it is now. Yet, it’s intended impact is felt. The idea of how to “handle this moment” (fill in “moment” with your choosing), is seen through a more patient, waited (and weighted) lens. Those words are not a bedtime ritual. It does float around from time to time.
Epictetus’ thought above started to get redirected listening to Shannon Lee’s book “Be Water, My Friend”. “A book about the teachings and philosophies of her father, Bruce Lee.
It is true a child may not see the morning light. That is a weight for the parent to carry. What weight does a child carry if their parent is not here tomorrow? We can leave a child with nothing but random pieces of our lives. Well lived, or otherwise. We can leave them with an empty pit or a legacy. Bruce Lee died 30 years ago. Whatever transpired the past 30 years means nothing to him. There is nothing to care.
Yet, his daughter has lived the last 30 years without a father. Those years matter to her. He left her writings, views, thoughts, teachings, quotes, philosophies and more. A legacy for her to read, learn from, and think upon. Thoughts and images to pour over. People influenced by what he left behind.
That is what I think about when putting my daughter to bed. If I die tonight, what does she have of me? It is not ego that inspires the question. It comes from the heart, for her. From wanting her to have something to hold onto, to guide her, to give her pause.
It is because of this there is a podcast for her to listen to. She can hear real time thoughts on the struggles and joys of raising her. She can listen to better understand her father’s views and motivations. She has hours to listen to or fast forward through. She has pages of this blog to read. If she were to pick up a book I read, she would find highlights, underlined passages and notes in the margins and back of the book. There is a world created for her to learn from.
Epictetus’ point of “your child could die tonight” is not lost. Regardless of how a parent processes the thought, nearly every parent carries the weight of that worry with them daily. What we miss is what if we die tonight?
Do your best to be a good parent. Treat them well and with respect. Try and teach them x, y, and zed (love Canada). Yet, what will they remember? Of all we have said, what will stick? What will they have of you when they are your age? What will they pontificate on? Writing now, if my daughter chooses to have a child, she can have these words to think about her own legacy. If not a child, a friend, or boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or co-worker, or whomever.
Think about this next time your child goes to sleep. What are you doing if you have downtime before going to bed? Making them a picture? Writing in a book you are reading? Putting words to paper, or voice to a podcast? Are you clicking on the TV and vegging out? Are you drinking wine and spacing out? Are you stewing? Fighting with a significant other? No judgement on any of those. We just tend to do, without thinking about why we are doing.
Parenting does not end because they fall asleep. In some cases, that is when the real work begins. There is a quote paraphrased here “to live forever write a book*”. That was heard and lost at some point. There are breadcrumbs of highs and lows for my daughter to read and reflect upon. The person I was. The person I am. The person I strive to be. The legacy started before she was thought of, without ever knowing.
A Vegan Father… writing for a future he will not be there for.
Posted. Not Perfect.
* The closest I found of this: Writers live forever in the hearts of their readers -aloragreenleaf Quotable Quotes!: Book II – Writers Live Forever… – Wattpad
A Better Father 