I am a parent that chose to quit his job and stay-at-home (SAHP) to raise his daughter. While the other parent traveled and made a career for herself. It is hard to look back and understand why this choice was made. Though, in all honesty, it was made in ignorance. I made this choice as an older father. I felt the pitfalls of youthful choice, if nothing else, had been avoided. A lifetime spent avoiding the sins of the father and mother (each parent married three times). So, after learning about my daughter to be, this choice felt like the right choice. It was not.
This is not that story. Just some background for what’s next.
Eight years ago, a choice was made to trust a person and stay home to raise our daughter. This choice was made with zero understanding of the consequences of making that choice. In Elizabeth Warren’s book Persist she provides an eye-opening exploration of an under reported turbulence in America today. Three concepts from her book were children, (SAHP) parents and teachers.
The following is written with the understanding these issues overwhelmingly affect women. The numbers show about 23% of families with children choose to have a parent stay home to raise their child. Of that 23%, 4% are male. This puts me in the minority of the minority for stay-at-home parents.
It can be assumed many made this choice believing it was the right family choice, “’til death do us part.” Blind trust and, at least on my part,(choosing to be) ignorant to the realities of the person this choice was made with. Also, let us not forget at least 50% of marriages end. This choice is made without a full understanding of the ramifications of that choice for the long-term effects on the person that stays home.
From reading Elizabeth’s book some of the consequences of this choice are: being out of the job market, loss of social security, biases to the work of parenting, judgement from others, loss of time and social networking. Those are just a few. The most surprising one was the loss of social security benefits from not paying into social security with a paycheck. The work of waking at 5am, being alone raising, teaching, bathing, changing, reading to, working with and much more until bedtime at 7pm (for us at least), has zero… ZERO financial value in America. In fact, it has a negative impact on the parent that invests their life and time with raising of their child.
The knowledge of the choice to be a SAHP needs to be understood before the choice is made. Before having our daughter there was a “birthing class”. During the divorce there was a “how to be divorced with kids’ class” (mandated by the courts). (Yet I was told “You know nothing about parenting”, no person shall be named/mentioned, because I read books to be a better parent.)
The point? There is nothing set-up to protect the SAHP. If two people are getting married and one has money or assets of financial value, a prenuptial agreement can be signed to protect the person’s assets. What is available to protect the parent who sacrifices everything to raise a child(ren)? Nothing.
For me what was given up was a job that was loved. Raises. Promotions. Tenure. Vacation time. Social Networking. Job networking. Moving 3-5 hours from friends and family to a place I knew no one. Having no social network of people to rely on, count on, nor call-on in a time of need. All this at 38-44. A prime career time. Also, a more difficult time to try and reenter the job market.
That is not shared as a complaint. It is shared as an example. If these sacrifices are made in a good relationship with a decent significant other, then the sacrifices are stories of “what if?”. Sacrifices made for your child and your family. If, however, those sacrifices are made in a bad relationship with a less-than-great person, or a fun mix of both (again, not me, but stories have been shared), then life, money, time, career, and more have been lost to trusting the wrong person.
The onus gets put on the SAHP to be grateful for their situation. They feel guilty for moments of regret or wondering if this was the right choice. The SAHP carries the weight of raising a child only to be told by society they are worthless for that choice. If it all works out, you did a great thing. You will be praised for raising a child. If things do not work out “it’s your fault for making that choice.” Do not move past Go. Do not collect $200 (maybe even pay $20,000 or more getting out of a bad situation).
Therein is the problem. Therein lies the issue. Decades of SAHP’s lost to a system that views them as less. Decades of children lost to having to work outside the house, instead of focusing on their child(ren). At some point we stopped protecting the caregivers. We stopped seeing their role as important. Stop seeing it as crucial. We stopped investing in our children, by not investing in those willing to care for them.
What Elizabeth Warren is suggesting in her book is sad. It is sad because it is not our current reality. All she is asking is that we do not treat SAHP’s as less. That SAHP’s get something in return for their years of service. That is what she is saying we should do for teachers to. We say our children matter. Then treat those that care for them as less than.
Elizabeth is trying to change decades of misogyny with laws that currently positively support men. Yet, the fight must start somewhere. It just will not happen for a long time, if ever. So, what do we do? Upon completing her book, I went for a run. After a few miles, this thought, “Why is there not a prenuptial agreement for stay-at-home parents?”
We are robbing our future for what we should be providing today. What do you do if the system cannot be changed? What do you do if the laws cannot be changed to work in favor of what is best and right for the minority? Work within the system provided.
Republicans are removing voting rights state by state. Republicans are systematically eliminating a woman’s right to choose state by state. Then, why can’t Democrats add laws to protect stay-at-home parents state by state? Why can’t Democrats add protections for teachers and pay them more, state by state? We can take their playbook and use it the same way.
I am a fan and supporter of Elizabeth Warren’s. And first choice as a Presidential candidate. Yet maybe she needs to take the Republicans playbook and state influencing and promoting her policies on a smaller scale. People can, and should, take to the streets to protest losing the right to vote and the right to choose. How do you protest paying teachers more at a state level and protect parents that choose to stay at home? I mean you can, but how silly they would look.
A Vegan Father… Proud of his service to his country and his daughter.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Better Father 