People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy. – Seneca, On the Shortness of Life, 3.1
I recently purchased a pair of used Samsung Galaxy Buds Pro from Best Buy. They were okay, but not worth keeping. Also, the money isn’t really there to have them. Still, there was a struggle to return them. More stuff. Another thing to have and not need. Another failed purchase, losing $120.
It may seem silly, but there was an internal debate over returning them. A struggle to justify something neither needed nor wanted. My Achilles heel. Thinking. Hoping. Wanting a thing to fill a hole to make me whole.
Things on eBay. A box full of DVD’s. More comics than one would care count. A clearance purchase here. A sale item there. We all have our blind spots. We all have struggles, justifications, and excuses for doing “x”.
It may seem silly, but the books, the podcasts, the journaling, the writing, the podcasting, it is all to be better. It allowed me to make the return yesterday. Judge me if you would like. It is warranted on a level or two.
All is an accumulation of things. All is time spent, not time used. All is to get more things (and boy do I love things). All is “whoever has the most when they die wins”. I would swim in debt to fill the hole with things and stuff. Masking the pain, hurt, and insecurities. A broken person looking in the mirror not seeing enough. Not seeing anything but lacking and thinking “more”.
For too long we mocked and joked about self-improvement. Looking at others and judging. Then going home unsatisfied and hurting. Jokes about being “good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me”. If we do not speak up, we will never find complete(d). Time, experience, and statics tell us what was is not working. What we teach. What we mirror. What we model. Are not the right things to teach, mirror, and model.
Change All. Changing All is your choice, your focus, your desires, your wants. My All is not your All. Though we can learn from one another. We can share with each other. We can talk about what we are thinking, feeling, needing, wanting. We can teach being vulnerable. We can be the mirror. We can model the behaviors we want to see in the world. We can debate right and wrong. We can discuss how to be better citizens. We can, but we need to admit what is, is not working.
My All? Less stuff. Patience with my daugther, others, and life. Writing. Blogging. Reading. Kindness. A car that works well enough to pick up my daugther and take her where she needs to go. A couple of good friends to talk to. A roof over our heads to stay warm. Being a good mirror to the world. Being a good teacher to those around me. Being a good model for all the above.
Those are the focus. Those are the “if I died tomorrow”, I would leave a good foundation for which my daughter to build.
A work in progress. Broken. Failed, faulted, struggling, imperfect, a little lost in the world. Yet, most days I have it All. With that, happiness is not out of reach. Happiness is not a struggle. Not an unattainable concept. Not a foreign concept. Or an “if only”.
There is a change to defining All. From a change in focus to what matters most. What is important, what truly brings joy. No doubt, most days are still a struggle for one reason or another, yet there is an anchor in All that makes those struggles less of a strangle.
A Vegan Father… believing in having it All.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Better Father 