Last night my daughter came to me with a secret she was told by a friend. She is at the age where crushes start happening (so, that has been the secret to share lately). This is a time to show respect and understanding. To remind her she is trusted, but not alone. If it is something told does not feel right to keep, she can share it without negative repercussions. If it is something “not good”, sometimes secrets need to be shared.
She said Sally (not her real name) said her other friend Tami (also, not her real name) does not like her (my daugther). That Tami only plays with her because Sally makes her.
BAM. Que daddy defense mode.
“Well, Tami comes over here to play with you when Sally’s not even here…”, “Tami comes here when you are not here, knocking on the door asking for…” example after example.
Daddy defense mode. Protect her feelings, emotions, wellbeing. Daddy insecurity mode. Do not create negative feelings at our home. Do not let her friends at her mom’s house win over her friends here. (Not a great way to approach things, but this place is about being nakedly honest… mostly).
What could have been better choices: How does that make you feel? Does that seem true to you? What possible reason / motivation would Sally have to say that to you?
Now, let her talk. Wait your turn, if at all. Let her express her thoughts and emotions. Do not start telling her what they are. Let her walk a path to determine if it seems true Tami does not like her.
That is how I woke up. Why did I tell and not ask? Today, ask if this comes up again. Tell her if it comes up, I should have asked, not told last night. This is about her perspective and feelings. Then listen more, speak less.
This is an example of getting better, of learning, of trying to do better, of trying to be a better father. We will never be all the things. Every interaction will not go the way it could or should. If we are trying to improve and get better. If we are learning and seeking growth and improvement. These moments will be recognized and identified. Then, next time, modified.
This is not a game with a buzzer and final score. This is practice, though. If your intentions are good, you will come back later and do better than the previous time.
To do that, you need to stay present and accountable. She probably does not even know I “messed up” last night. Later, she will know her thoughts, feelings and sharing last night was taken seriously and not brushed off.
Posted. Not perfect.
A Vegan Father… learning to ask and listen and talk less.
A Better Father 