Love. A feeling achieved by eating large amounts of chocolate (paraphrased from a movie that cannot be remembered). Turns out our feelings of “love” and eating large amounts of chocolate activate the same areas of the brain.
There were some… complex years as a teenager. One time, while discussing this with a friend, the words, “I still love her, I just don’t like her very much right now” were spoken (a complex situation describing my mother).
Differentiating between love and like was an early experience. As a child love felt overly used and thrown around (I was a weird kid). By age 7(?) my father was with his third wife and my mother was with her second husband. Hearing people from the various families talk felt empty, contrived, and forced. Their words spoken absent mindedly, as if being read from a cue card. It did not take long to smile, nod, say “ok”, tell them what they obviously wanted to hear, then move on. A receiving line at funeral.
Love as a word can be used to manipulate, abuse, as a weapon, to hide a lie, to lie, to trick, twist, break, and bend. Love can make a world; it can destroy a world. Love is not about anything to do with the other person. Love is a chemical reaction in your brain. If it is not being misused (see above).
Like is unassuming. There are no major expectations with saying it, not saying, or having said / not said it. Like is about the person. There is no chemical reaction in your brain about what is liked about you. “You have a cool style”, “You have great taste in books”, “You are really kind”. I can say, “I like your style. I like your taste in books. I like that you are kind.” It’s still about the other person, not the person saying it.
Like is a connection, a bridge to the other person. It may be a better observation if there is no connection. “It’s cool you like books”. No connection, just an observation. When someone acknowledges / compliments something about a person as a “like” it can end there. It is usually followed by a good feeling in the person receiving it. No weight. No expectations. Just verbalizing an observation.
That is why my daugther hears “I like you” at night before bed. She sometimes asks, “What do you like about me?” “You are a good person, with a kind heart. You are fun to be around, and you have a neat personality.” Sometimes she asks, “Do you love me?” “Of course, I love you. That is part of being your father. Loving you comes easy. Liking you is because of who you are.”
We are supposed to love, or say we love, or get pressured to love (“Tell grandma you love her”, do not get me started). No one ever pressures us to like, or say we like someone (ok maybe, “like like”, but that is different than “like” and we all know it).
Like is more of a choice based on who a person is. I have never felt pressured to say, “I like you”. Ironically, it is used more sparingly. More thoughtfully. It is less likely to be misused, abused, or mistreated.
You liking something about someone is them. A person will not carry the weight of a lost like. Like is a compliment that can be held or let go.
Which is one of the reasons I like you reading this.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.
A Better Father 