The pause. It has become one of the best tools in the parenting kit. Like anything else it takes practice. The more you do it, the better you get. Part of using it is having patience. Another lesson to teach through example. Everything takes time.
As written about previously there are a few frustrations that happen with the other parent. While our views and thoughts tend to be in direct conflict of each other, that does not help my daughter. I could let that frustration show (and it probably does from time to time). Could scream “NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO…” when told something that bursts my hair into flames, while the walls laugh at the absurdity of what was said.
Or pause. And ask, what do you think? Does that make sense to you? Do you have any questions about that? It is not saying one parent is right or the other is wrong. It is asking her to practice critical thinking. It is giving her agency over information, thoughts, and opinions. It creates a pathway to conversation.
That is the practice. There are times something is heard that causes a visceral reaction. If paying attention, it may get caught. My daughter’s reaction shows it. She notices the changes in my voice and face.
Sidebar: There were these cards that came out around the time she was born. They were “face” cards that showed and described different emotions. We would go through the cards and see kids sad, happy, frustrated, angry and talk about the emotions and corresponding faces being made. We would do the same in the mirror, usually while brushing her teeth. She would say what face to make, and I would make it. “Make a sad face. A startled face. A worried face”. The lessons were, to be honest, unintended from cards that seemed like a good idea. She was not only learning words, but tone, and to recognize emotions in faces. She was also learning the meaning of words, emotions, reactions, and feelings. Flash cards for emotions. And the benefits have carried forward. Probably not a stretch to say those cards will be more beneficial in her life than any math or English lesson. (Double bonus: screen free bonding, interactions and fun).
I have learned to prepare myself for picking her up. That is why Wednesday went well. (Almost rewrote the frustrations again, but there is no reason to revisit those.) The pause happened before getting her. Patience and kindness were at the ready when she was home.
Thursday had bumps. Though, it was better than Wednesday night. Friday morning, as this is being written, has been normal on every level. She slept longer and better than Wednesday. She is eating more and a better breakfast. She will be better prepared and rested for her first day of in school learning on Tuesday (over a year since being in school).
This is written today as a reminder for work, relationships, children, friends, parents, whatever your unique situation may be. I can only speak for me, but what was taught to me about love, life, liking, relationships, how we work as people was about zero. The most important information, lessons and tools were pretty much missed.
Yet, the gift that was given came in the 6th grade. My mother “tricked” me into reading (a story for another time). That is one thing that led here. A love of books. One of the major focuses raising my daugther was to pass on a love of books. That has been a positive check in this parenting journey.
To end this, practice taking a pause. Do it randomly. Turn off the TV and wait for five minutes. Turn off your phone, tablet, or device. Find a friend you are comfortable with and say, “if we ever get in a heat conversation, I’m going to ask us to stop and take a five-minute break”.
Do not be afraid to teach it to your child. This could start a rant, but for brevity’s sake, let us just say it seems there is a habit of thinking we must fool, or trick kids into doing what we want. Just say, “This conversation is escalating. I am going to take five-minutes to pause. I’ll be back to talk some more”. Your kid may keep being crazy, but we all know it gets really boring, real quick, fighting with no one.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.
A Better Father 