It is reported that in 2017 the Self-help industry was worth 9.9 billion dollars. Many of us are seeking answers. We learn, sometimes too late, those we saw in certain light, needed help. They were searching and their search, or hiding, led to self-destruction.
In the past few years, time has been spent wanting to better understand hurt and anger. When you are unable to identify, label, or understand what is being felt, why it is being felt; it leaks out.
Pick your poison. Alcohol. Drugs. Overworking. Locking the door and hiding inside. Escaping into a book. Staying out all night. Eating poorly. Smiling so big they cannot see the pain. We find what works for us. We find what we feel works for us. We find what we think works for us. We distract instead of engage. We engage to distract.
We duck and weave. We float and sting. There is no simple answer. Life takes work. If it’s not taking work, it’s stealing time. The objective of life is awareness. Your head can be down, while looking up from time to time. If you are looking up, sometimes you see something that helps. That was Nannette for me (a Netflix special by Hanna Gadsby that didn’t cost any more than what was being paid):
I have lived a life. The damage done to me is real and debilitating. I will never flourish. This is why I must quit comedy. Because the only way I can tell my truth and put tension in the room is with anger. And I am angry and I believe I’ve got every right to be angry. But what I don’t have a right to do is to spread anger. I don’t. Because anger, much like laughter, can connect a room full of strangers like nothing else. But anger, even if it’s connected to laughter, will not relieve tension. Because anger is a tension. It is a toxic infectious tension. And it knows no other purpose than to spread blind hatred. And I want no part of it. Because I take my freedom of speech as a responsibility. And just because I can position myself as a victim does not make my anger constructive. It never is constructive. Laughter is not our medicine. Stories hold our cure. Laughter is just the honey that sweetens the bitter medicine. I don’t want to unite you with laughter or anger. I just needed my story heard. My story felt and understood by individuals with minds of their own. Because like it or not your story is my story. And my story is your story. I just don’t have the strength to take care of my story anymore. I don’t want my story defined by anger. All I can ask is just please help me take care of my story. Do you know why we have the sunflowers? it’s not because Vincent van Gogh suffered. It’s because Vincent van Gogh had a brother who loved him. Through the pain he had a tether. A connection to the world. And that is the focus of the story we need. Connection. Thank you. -Hanna
For me, through lots of work, it was determined not to be anger. But fear. Easily confused those two. Hanna could have replaced anger with fear, and it would still hold true. She is right, anger spreads, because it is easy to attach to. Just has there have been too many laughs from a place of fear, anger, and hatred. They can bring people together.
During the divorce I sought to understand the hurt and fear/anger. I did not want it to spread. Not to my daughter. My friends. My podcast. My co-workers. I did not want to let the situation cause hurt and fear/anger. Yet, at times it did. It was a choice to not give it a place to go. To keep it inside. Knowing it was leaking out, bit by bit. Lingering on past mistakes. Treating myself like the guy from the Davinci Code with that weird leg thorn thing. Only… you know, not that.
Last night, my dream came from a place of fear. Fear, that felt like anger. Awake in the middle of the night, I was able to say, “this is just a moment”. Negative energy trying to seep in. Not long ago that would have worked. Drained and spiraling in fear. Instead, there was control over thoughts, memories, and a choice to not let the fear in. Closed my eyes and slept the rest of the night.
There are moments we have a right to be fearful and hurt or angry. There are times we can justify our anger. Yet, that does not give us the right to put that fear, hurt and anger back into the world. Hanna said it well, “… what I don’t have a right to do is to spread anger.” Simply put, that one. I did not know what to do with my hurt, fear/anger. Just that I did not want it to spread.
It has been 8 years since giving up sugar and sweets (mostly). I can just now drink coffee without soymilk in it. I have been training myself to journal in the two-minute journal for 2 years. A daily check list still a reminder to write in it. Every morning I get to pick up my daughter, the same thing is written in my journal: be patience, understanding and kind.
We will never be all of whatever it is we want to be. That does not mean we should not work at it. Reminding ourselves who we want to be. And the answer could (and maybe should) evolve over time. And it does take time. Sometimes a long time. I will not go back to sugar, nor stop writing in the two-minute journal. With or without a reminder. The investment is worth the result.
Take Hanna’s advice. Find a connection. A tether. Someone who cares about you. Someone you care about. We are not made, designed, or built to be alone. Find someone that will not feed your anger, or fear. Someone that helps you laugh at the absurdity of life. Someone that challenges you to be better daily.
Find someone that will help you paint your version of van Gough’s Sunflowers.
Thank you.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.
A Better Father 