I have written before about “Yeah… but”. If you do “x” you’ll get “y”. “Yeah, but my situation is different.” Self-pity in two words. A phrase that excuses negativity and allows it to continue. Stagnation. It is powerful phrase. That is why has been (is being) excised.
“Yeah, but” has an insidious friend. A partner that keeps the past from progressing the present. Puts the weight of the world on my shoulders. The injustice of it all. This life. What was done to me.
“What if…”
What if: I had married my high school girlfriend? What if I had stayed with the girl right after her? What if I had stayed broken up with my daughter’s mom? What if I had not pushed my best friend away? What if my parents had done “x” instead of “y”? “What if” can hold your hand until death. Always the path not taken. Always the wrong path chosen.
The past. “What if” lives there. It keeps me there. “Yeah, but…” and “What if…” keeps the past in the present. Those two phrases live in the past. It is the “before” without improvement. The excuse to be sad, broken, angry, hurt, self-pitying. “What if…”
A benefit of morning walks with no podcasts or music: a wandering mind. It was a morning where the “what if…” (all too often played in my head, did not go away) was doing what it always does. Yet, this time I leaned into it and said, “ok, what if…” My mind went to all the normal places. Tears started to form. I felt alone and cold (it was cold outside). I felt like stopping, but instead said it again, “ok, what if…” Repeat. Again. Repeat. Again.
If that sounds dramatic or made up. It is neither of those.
Then… What if instead of being in the past, I am in the present? “What if” does not have to be about what could have been then. “What if” could be about now.
What if I sat and wrote a book? What if a 9.99 was bought and used to draw? What if I went for a run today? What if no digital device was picked up until 830am (journaling, walking, meditating, making coffee)? What if instead of missing my daugther, the time passed by writing and reading? What if nothing was purchased today?
“What if” now offers pause and possibilities. “What if” is about potential, not regret. “What if” is an opportunity to double check a thought and make it productive.
What if is not about past regrets, it’s about possibilities for the present. So, I took it back.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.
A Better Father 