They Need More

The past couple of posts have focused on parenting.  More on modeling behavior, working with where children are, not where we wish they were.  Anger, frustration, overwhelmed.  That is us. Not them.  We fail to understand how the brain works.  We fail to learn about and understand how a child develops.  How they grow. What the stages of getting from point A to point B are.

Our ignorance crates friction.  Not the child developing and growing.  The human brain does not fully develop until age 25.  It starts regression at age 24.  Expressed multiple times, stupid parenting cliches and our elder’s ignorance cannot and should not be what dictates how we parent.

Unfortunately, trying to be a good parent with knowledge and information tends to get shamed or ridiculed.  Words like coddling, overprotective, hovering, helicopter parenting, treating them with “kid gloves” (seriously, it is in the name you @$%).

One of the least favorite cliches is “oh, just wait until they become a teenager”.  One, don’t do that.  Two, how about I enjoy this moment and time with my child.  Too often when talking about my daugther people say, “Just wait until she becomes a teenager”.  Maybe, just maybe, the problem you had with your teenager was… YOU.  It does not fall on them to figure out how to be raised.  Maybe, just maybe, it is on the parent to learn and understand why a “teenager” is acting the way they are. 

Hint, it is not because they are an asshole.  It is because their brain is developing and experiencing things differently.  It seems to have more to do with the “adult” not being able to get a child to act how they want that causes friction. Not, the adult learning how to better deal with and interact with the child. 

It is my belief the teenage years are hard, because the adult is trying to force a square peg into a circle.  It falls on the parent to be patience, kind, and understanding.  That is not weak parenting.  That is knowledge-based parenting.

When arguments would happen in my past with someone about how I would parent I would think (and never said) “my ego is not tied to whether a 3-year-old does what I say”.  So much pressure is put on children to have to navigate and understand and do what their authority figures say.  They get scolded, yelled at, brow-beaten for not knowing, understanding or being able to comprehend.

It may be coming out here, but there were a couple of frustrating moments the past couple of days with my daugther.  Nothing to do with her directly. It comes from lack of sleep, not eating well, and having to code switch between two people that are on literal opposite sides of the spectrum on everything.  I am not as forceful as another person in her life.  So, my lessons do not get forced.  I continue to teach and educate more through doing and example.  The fortunate part of this is being able to identify it, so it does not get taken out on my daugther.  It strengthens my resolve to be calm and patience and look towards the future not today. 

All that to say this: Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans by Michaeleen Doucleff.  I listened to her interview on Politics and Pose last night (P&P Live! Michaeleen Doucleff—Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans—with Julie Lythcott-Haims | Politics and Prose Bookstore (politics-prose.com).

Hearing Michaeleen talk last night was mind bending in a self-serving way.  She was talking about the very things I wrote about yesterday and the day before.  How to better treat our children by understanding and meeting them where they are.  To teach them through modeling behavior.  Patience and kindness.  If you see that through and old lens, you will see something vastly different than what science sees as happening.  How do you respond to being yelled at?  Scolded?  Punished for a mistake?  Have you, as an adult, had no clue how to do something, or were not given the proper training or information, then been yelled at by someone for not “doing it right”?

Now, imagine being that child.  You need time to breath and process. They need more.

Posted. Not Perfect.

A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.