What matters in life? They believe what we tell them to believe. They see what we present to them. They learn from what they observe and witness us doing. Their environment is the environment we create for them.
A few holiday’s ago i witnessed a 5 year old child get grabbed by the arm and yelled at for playing and running around on a day that was meant to celebrate, what to them was christmas. A happy, joyous child being excited by the world he was experiencing. He was grabbed and scolded for “darning to run around my house. Do you have no respect for my house and my things? We don’t treat other people’s stuff like that. Do you understand?”
This person was a “trusted authority figure” to this child. This person was suppose to be a loving grandparent. The boy was petrified in the moment; and broken the rest of the day. The only thing i heard from this interaction was from the child’s father saying, “just like when we were kids, huh?” To a sibling.
(I still feel shame for not jumping in or defending that boy. I still carry that moment. What it would have meant to that little boy to have someone defend him. Not the point of today’s post. The guilt lingers.)
In that moment a child was taught “things” and “stuff” mattered more than his being happy with his “loving” family on a joyous day. In that moment it was more important for an adult to scare a child into submission, than to let them play and be happy.
What was taught in that moment? What was learned?
If you are worried about your nice table getting broken, have a less nice table. If you have a child in your home, maybe don’t install brand new floors that can be damaged. But, what about getting those new floors? What matters more? Watching a child play and be happy, or watching them walking carefully and scared, fearing punishment?
“I am teaching them to be respectful”, you say. “I am teaching the value of the things we have and to respect what others have”, you say. What we are really teaching them is things matter more. We are teaching them to value a couch more than fun, joy, bursts of energy, laughter, and experience.
Our job is to teach them. Teach them what, though? That’s what we need to decide. What do we want them to value? Things? Stuff? Why get the new couch, or the new floor? To show others we’ve made it? To be an adult? To show off what we’ve accomplished? To value a silent child being “respectful” over a child being a child?
Years ago i went to my sisters house where her son was using their house to practice climbing and moving about like an American Ninja Warrior. I didn’t know a lot about my sister’s parenting style (and they have a very nice house). It made me smile to see her letting her child be comfortable and free in his home. They they let him explore his passions. It was a smile and learning moment. The frame between rooms mattered little to an excited child showing off. He loves playing soccer now. I believe, in part, due to a childhood allowed to explore.
We parent the way we do, because we were taught by our elders what is right or wrong, good or bad. We were told we should trust these people, respect these people. So, we did, or do. Some of us got lucky to have better examples. Some of us less lucky. Our identity, our examples are based on our childhood. We are not just changing a parenting style or philosophy. We are reevaluating our childhood experiences. Unfortunately, some realizing it wasn’t all good. It’s hard to look back and realize person “x” in our life was actually very… negative.
For the past year i’ve been telling my daughter if she cleans her room she can earn money. Currently, she wants money for the dollar store. “Well, this is how you can earn it.” Giving a child responsibility, chores and earning a dollar by cleaning is not bad. That is not the desired impression. (Side-note, nothing but good feelings and positive experiences are related to books. “Real” books. Not screens, or Kindles There is no “bribing” to read. Books are the reward. There are no punishments associated with books.)
What has been decided start giving an undeclared, not directly connected to anything specific dollar or two for creativity. This was in part inspired by a comic the other night (The Bakers by Kyle Baker). Kyle Baker is a professional artist. His daughter gave him a piece of art. Then stuck out her hand out for payment. He taught her you get paid to make art. A lesson she seemed to have learned well.
How will this work? Will this work? We’ll see. It puts the focus on what matters to her. It puts on the focus on building the foundation and skills that serve her interests.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father, navigating a non-vegan world.
Today’s Blog Post was inspired in part by today’s The Daily Dad Podcast: https://dailydad.com
Kyle Baker Amazon Page: https://www.amazon.com/Kyle-Baker/e/B000APA9IS/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0
A Better Father 