The last post was supposed to be on Think Again. Morning walks. Possible side effects include… allowing the mind to wonder, posture and contemplate. Random thoughts, views, ideas pulled down, like shooting stars falling to earth.
Reading through the notes on Think Again sparks stories of evolution. It takes one brave single celled organism to venture out of the water. Then another. Another. Then one survives. And the next one survives. Then they start walking. So, on and so forth. Then… humans. (That’s the shortened version. Do you really want me to go step-by-step?)
Turns out people do not want to hear facts (Next Time You End up in an Argument, Don’t Use Facts. Do This Instead | Inc.com). We do not respond well to new information. We are emotional animals. We push, pull and fight against our own best interests, because… well, evolution. That is the entire book in four sentences.
Yet, Adam is evolving from water to land (or from holding on to old ideas to rethinking new ones). Suggestions to help teach us how and why to rethink. For example: “The students who struggled the most were the straight A students. The perfectionists. It turns out that although perfectionists are more likely than their peers to ace school, they don’t perform any better than their colleagues at work. This tracks with evidence that across a wide range of industries grades are not a strong prediction of job performance. Achieving excellence in school often requires mastering old ways of thinking. Building an influential career demands new ways of thinking.” (page 195)
It takes about 2.3 seconds to start breaking that down with “old thinking”. Part of the problem is many still in charge have the old ways of thinking. It also makes a good argument that some of those creating our new way of thinking are college dropouts that thought it was a good business philosophy to “move fast and break things” (Mark Zuckerberg ’s now-famous motto). Well, ya broke democracy. So… cool?
So, we fall back on teaching our children to pass tests. Get good scores. Be the best, or as close to it as possible when it comes to academics. Make dad and mom proud because what else are you here for? Then graduate. Go to college. And on and on. The assembly line of popping kids out, conditioning them, and scene.
Rethinking that thought process should be on focus on teaching creative thinking. Teaching kids empathy. Figuring out who they are and teaching to that. Not pushing them to memorize and conform. Get good scores and end up, statistically speaking, being just as good as every other kid in the job market. Sounds like a lot of work for the parents and teachers, huh? It is.
We push for good grades and high performance because we are mirroring what we were taught and told (though, I did not listen very well, that is another blog post). It seems to make sense. That is what makes the parent and the child look good. No one, non-sarcastically, has a “I have a ‘C’ student at *blank*” on their car. Sidenote, no pressure for a child to dance like a monkey for a parent like seeing a bumper sticker on a car every morning and every night. As if the parent gets to take credit, or brag about their kid’s academic performance. (How about a bumper sticker that says, “my kid isn’t a dick”, or “my kid was kind yesterday” there’s another blog post).
The problem is our not knowing and not bothering to learn (another lesson we are teaching by example). Not bothering to figure out the “why” or the “why for”. My writing is never meant to be a dissertation on parenting or life. It is meant to inspire thought. To Google and research what other information is available. (Here is an article, among many about the success of “C” students. Not only that, but the why. Why Many ‘C’ Students End Up Most Successful | Inc.com). Which, bringing this back to the beginning, is one of Adam’s main points. Rethinking. Understanding. Knowing why and how you think what you think.
If you knew me and my situation, you would think this was in some way countering my daughter’s mom’s choices and views. It is not.
Its thinking about choices made in my best interest. Influences. Pressures. Wasted time trying to fit into something, in some way, I would never fit. As parents, if we are being honest, or we talk with a therapist long enough, we better understand what is influencing the choices we make daily for our children. The micro-moments of our childhood, both good and bad, both wrong and right, informing what we say, what we do, and how we react to and with our children (or your boss, brother, sister, friend partner).
My daughter will memorize facts. She will most likely pass her tests and do well with grades and within the system. This writing is not against that. It’s rethinking that. It is focusing a frustration. Its rethinking how she and I spend time together. I will teach her through example “who you are should be a question of what you value, not what you believe” (p.64). Or showing how, “Many communicators try to make themselves look smart. Great listeners are more interested in making their audience feel smart” (p158).
That may seem weird, and those are just examples, but what will serve her better throughout life? Learning George Washing chopped down a cherry tree and never lied (not true, but learn it anyway), or her values and the difference between those and a belief? Or how to make someone she is talking to feel good, heard, and special. That will be done by example. So, she feels heard and special.
We are planting seeds for their future. Then we water those seeds with love, like, kindness, empathy, patience, hugs, kisses, and snuggles. Teach through example. Do not tell. A child can push back against your words. A child can fight if you engage the fight. Or we can rethink how we engage. We can listen more than talk. We can decide if paint on the carpet matters more than fear in a child’s eye at an angry adult.
In conclusion, I shall leave with you one question that Adam suggests you ask in any conversation, especially one where there may be conflict, “How do you know?” Example: Person 1 – “There is no such thing as global warming.” Person 2 – “Well that’s just freaking stupid, Fox crap being shoveled out by right wing nut jobs”. OR, “How do you know?” See which one gets a better response and engages in a conversation.)
Thank you, Adam Grant, for Think Again. (Adam Grant – Books, Podcast, TED Talks, Newsletter, Articles)
Keep rethinking.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father navigating a non-vegan world.
A Better Father 