Anger (Anger | Definition of Anger by Merriam-Webster (merriam-webster.com))
1:a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism
If you have listened to my podcast or been reading along, then you may be aware of my desire to better understand anger. Particularly, my anger surrounding a divorce. It lingers in the back of my mind, even when it is not at the front of my mind. It is not my natural state. It is not my preferred state. It was confusing and disorienting to feel that way.
For years I tried to understand it, rationalize it, control it, move past it. The anger bothered, confused, and frustrated me. Hurt, lost, and twisted by another person’s actions and an unfamiliar emotion. People said, “Of course you are angry. It’s okay, given the situation”. Disconnected and distraught by my own emotions. Then…
Fear (Fear | Definition of Fear by Merriam-Webster (merriam-webster.com))
1a: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger; 1: an instance of this emotion; 2: anxious concern; 3: reason for alarm: DANGER
It was not anger. It was fear. A misunderstanding of words led to years of stumbles and displaced identity. As if wondering why a car will not run while putting diesel fuel in an unleaded tank. Then getting the oil changed to fix the problem. It will not work, because it is addressing the wrong problem.
Anger gives up power. It gives someone or something control and influence over you. It never felt right because it was not right. Anger is external. Anger is unspecified. Anger is yelling and screaming. Control over one’s self given away.
Once the real culprit was identified everything became clearer and started to fall into place. Fear is internal. Fear is specific. Fear is being worried and confused. It can also be confronted and controlled.
Once properly identified, the work began. What were the fears? Fear of money. Fear of being bullied. Fear of not being with my daugther. Fear of choices being made on her behalf, not in her best interest. Fear of how I would spend my time, after having been alone raising my daugther for 6.5 years. Fear of what life looked like in a town I did not know, people I did not know. Fear of being away from my family. Fear of how she would adjust. Fear of putting my daughter through a divorce. I can go on.
Without addressing each one, I will address the process. First, looking at each fear and addressing them one by one. Once identified, “what can be done about this?”, “Can this be put aside and dealt with later?”, “What is the true impact of this (other than being scared)?”, “How can I use this?”, “Can I use this?”, “Does this need to be handled immediately?”.
Understanding it was not anger, but fear put the emotions in my control. If you are feeling anger/angry; is that really what you are feeling? Anger can be misidentified. Trying to address anger, may not be the right thing, if the emotion just looks like anger. It could be hurt, fear, loneliness, confusion, betrayal, or something else entirely. If you are trying to put a band-aid on a broken arm, it may not be the tool for the job. To properly access, you need to properly identify.
I lost years thinking, wondering, and making excuses for being angry. I was not. I was scared.
Posted. Not Perfect.
A Vegan Father navigating a non-vegan world.
A Better Father 