In the early 2000’s I took a class at IPFW. Sociology class to be specific. This particular memory is about relationships and how we react to them. There were two quotes that are remembered:
“Distance makes the heart grow fonder”.
“Out of site, out of mind.”
The breakdown was the mental affect those two quotes have on a person who’s significant other is out of town. The first one makes you feel longingly towards the person. In turn, it makes you believe they are thinking the same about you. Regretting having to be away, but ultimately just counting the hours and moments to be back in your arms.
The second brings on anxiety and hurt. You sit around thinking of all the things they are doing without you, while you are sitting at home pining away. It becomes hurtful and saddening.
Here’s the current struggle spawned from that thought flow: What to do and why? Go to college and finish a twenty year old degree? What’s the point? Why do it? Why not do it? Get a standard job and work 8-5 til I die? Throw caution into the wind just try a job that makes no sense, isn’t practical, could fail and set me back even more from investing in my retirement?
Why do or do not do anything?
Part of the struggle has been looking outside for advice vs looking inside for advice. Finding the path that sets us up for success short term and long term. Talking about creating your own quotes, not posting someone else’s.
Then this morning Seth Godin’s daily email came through. It’s not always read, but this morning’s was:
“Our days are filled with the path to future skills, tasks and commitments that we believe we can’t possibly take on. We’ve seduced ourselves into believing that we’re not born with the talent, or that the obstacles to doing the work are just too great.
In fact, it’s more likely that we’ve simply decided that the work isn’t worth the effort.
Or the fear is too much to bear.
But it’s hardly impossible.
We just don’t care enough.” (https://seths.blog/2019/08/impossible/)
Sometimes, we need that nudge to help sets us straight. One of the things that’s been read and learned over and over through the years is you can have the best advice, the best outcome solution, the best encouragement to help someone (without getting into a hole of telling someone something, instead of helping them find it), but if they are not ready to hear it, then it will fall on deaf ears. Not only that, it can cause problems, or hurt or anger from that person. It can come off as an attack. It can feel like you are trying to control, when you think you are trying to help.
“If you she would…”. “If only he’d listen to…”. If. If. If. “Why won’t he/she…”.
“If only…”. Two of the worst words to put together in any language.
If a person isn’t ready to help themselves, all your advice, good intentions and frustration mean nothing. Countless books have been consumed, each a little leaked into the mind, ultimately, all that advice sits dormant. Until, the mind and body are ready to accept it. Until the mind and body are ready to hear it. To feel it. To personalize it.
It’s easy to look back and see pain. Or hurt. The mistakes. The breaks. The pain. The failure. The why’s and why’s not’s.
The latest focus is on fear. What fear does. How it controls. How it dictates. How it fosters insecurities. How it keeps you awake at night. How, it flows through you and controls your voice, your tone, your emotions. Fear. If only.
Fear. I’m signed up for two classes. Fear kept it from happening. Fear was questioning the choice. Fear of failure. Fear of wasting money. Fear of…
Then I read Seth’s email. “But it’s hardly impossible. We just don’t care enough”. So, it is.
Care enough to find out. Care enough to try.
One fear overcome. Bring on the next.
A Better Father 