My daughter woke up sick last Tuesday. That pretty much put my whole week off. By pretty much, I mean it did. It did give me time to reflect on my situation as a stay-at-home-dad (in a not great marriage).
I spent everyday grateful for being home with her. I couldn’t figure out how people that don’t have that option would do it. What do people do that don’t get days off? Have no where to put their child? No family or friends near by to help? The saying, “it takes a village” comes from situations like this. There are moments people can do this alone. That people don’t need someone else to help or be a part of raising their child. As near as I can tell, that’s somewhere between 1-5% of the time. Every other time? You need people to be a part of helping to raise your child.
I didn’t have to juggle her around. I didn’t have to lose money to do what was best for her. I didn’t have to send her to school sick. Making other kids sick, or herself worse. She slept when she needed to. She cuddled when she wanted to. She was able to enjoy the lows of doing nothing, and the bursts of energy to play and do something. She didn’t have someone yelling at her. She didn’t have to sit in an office alone waiting for someone to show up. She didn’t have to feel alone or scared. Because dad was there. She was able to recover at her pace and not prolong the experience of feeling like crap.
I am so grateful for that. It makes me sad to think of those who don’t get to do that.
On the reverse side. I am human and we were in the house, locked up, for a week. Losing one’s mind might link to situations like this. It’s a guilty feeling for having the privilege of doing this and wanting to claw my way out at a certain point(s). Her mother was gone for the week. So, it was her and me and the walls closing in. Every minute of sleep, past the normal time, was a minute of thanks. Bedtime was a countdown that started shortly after waking.
When she sleeps at night, that’s normal. There’s no worry associated with that. Even when she’s sick. I put her to bed. I check on her before going to bed myself. Tuck her back in. Scoot her over a little. Turn off or on her fan, depending on the weather. Shut her door and done for the night.
Here’s the thing about your kid sleeping during the day and past her normal bedtime. It freaks you out. The amount of brain power that goes into worry keeps you from doing other things. I kept checking on her to make sure she was breathing, but not wanting to check on her to risk waking her up. You can’t get invested in anything to in-depth, because you don’t know how much time you have. I was like a zombie wandering around the house. Doing random things, but not doing anything of consequence.
Piecing together moments of this or that. Less social interaction than normal (which is about 1-2%, now .5 to 0%). Reading more stories in six days than in the last 3 months. That when the actual “me time” finally arrived at night, there wasn’t anything left to do anything. It was a mental shutdown. I didn’t even feel like reading. Her mother wasn’t calling to make me feel better. Everyone I know is an hour ahead, or living their own lives. Not to mention, what would I say? I didn’t nothing but read. I have nothing to say.
Stranded on a desert island. Floating alone in the salt water, with no water onboard. It was along week. Then, as already mentioned, the guilt of feeling these feelings, while getting to be there for a sick child. Feeling as alone as you can feel, while being grateful for feeling that way. I’d be lying if I said anything other than last week broke me a little.
Now, it’s Monday and I’m sitting in a Starbucks, BECAUSE I CAN’T BE HOME RIGHT NOW! There are at least three flies driving me insane, but there’s no where else to go. Plus, I’m only here because I happened to have $9.36 on my Starbucks card, so it feels like this trip didn’t cost me anything.
There is a borderline of this feeling like self-pity. It’s not, though. It’s the reality of this situation. Of life in general. The yin and the yang. There is no one… thing? feeling? situation?
The last two sentences were deleted. This is dragging past the original intent, but its needed for what it did for me. So, this will be end of this writing, before the whole thing goes boom.
A Better Father 