Learned behavior
This morning my daughter cuddled up in bed with me and said, “Daddy, you need a haircut”. At first, this seems random. Also true. Then I remembered saying this yesterday. When she asked me what I was going to do while she was in school, I told her get a haircut.
This lingered during the rest of the morning, until getting to write this. The impact of such a small, insignificant thing. This now influenced her suggesting what daddy needed to do.
This is also an important lesson in the words we use and the things we say every moment of every day. I have long known that we can influence our daily lives by telling and repeating a story over and over. We can convince ourselves of (almost) anything if repeated and reinforced enough. Science has proven this to be true. An example article: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/02/27/why-facts-dont-change-our-minds
How we talk and what we talk. What we do matters. The tone of our voices, the looks on our faces. Our ways of communicating and interacting with children is important and long lasting. There is research and stories of the negative effects of yelling and bad words on children.
Yet, you don’t always hear about the impact of everyday words. The impact we, as adults, parents, or caregivers can have on laying a proper foundation. Instead of telling a child they are “smart”, tell them how hard they worked to achieve the outcome. The concept of smart means nothing. It doesn’t build anything. It doesn’t connect to anything tangible. When you tell them how hard they worked to complete the task, they can connect the doing to the completing. Though, you may have to and should help them understand how hard they worked. Explain the outcome and the steps in a conversation. It’s another way to build an understanding that they did do this “thing” because they actually did it. And it’s another way to connect and bond with them with good conversation.
The next time they are trying to complete a task, they now have an understanding of what it takes to complete it. We build and enforce
behaviors. An example is counting. Instead of knowing the number 4, show how he/he gets to number 4. Count it out. Roll a dice and figure out what number it is by counting the number, not “knowing” the number. There is a point when they will know the number 4 on site. Yet, build the skills to get to number 4. Don’t be happy they recoginze the number 4 on site.
This all started with a cuddle and a needed haircut. I’ve found nothing is that simple. Every interaction is something on some level. Not every interaction needs to be addressed in such a complex way, of course. I do like to give a little nod or thought, though to those moments. Even if only quick and silent to myself.
A Better Father 