After the last blog, there was a challenge that morning. My daughter got upset about her breakfast. She sometimes does this scream when she’s upset that gets louder and louder. The more you try to interact with her, and not give her exactly what she wants, the louder it gets.
I meant to write this the next day, so it was fresh in my mind. I didn’t get around to it. Then, yesterday, we had a similar thing with lunch. I made her something she likes, something she sometimes eats and was melting cheese on it.
That wasn’t good enough. She wanted the cheese right from the bag. I told her she needed more than cheese to eat for lunch. Then, things went sideways. (That’s the word I use with her when things go bad. I didn’t want to use a “negative” word, or a word with negative connotations. So, I started using “sideways” as a way to describe these situations. I don’t want her to feel bad for having emotions, or think it’s not okay to get upset from time to time.) I tried my best to keep an even tone. When you are getting screamed at for 30 minutes, 10 minutes in at this point, it can be difficult to stay rational. I told her this was the food I made her and it was her choice to eat it or not. Then, I kept repeating this. Over and over and over.
I find that if I stray from a pre-recorded response, I can start to get caught up in the upset situation. Then, start adding to it in a negative way.
These moments are difficult. My “home life”, added to the daily duties of caring for a toddler, no adult interaction, and no real outlet, takes it tole. This was one of those moments. It’s up to the adult to care for the child. Which is another conflicted struggle. Do, I let her cry? I wasn’t going to give in at this point, because I felt it would send the wrong message. It’s hard to no where to draw a line when she’s this upset. Knowing the reason why, and still controlling my reaction.
I used “positive” words, but stayed firm on the food message (this is what I made, etc.). She escalated. Then, I told her every time I talk, you get more upset. So, i’m going to stop talking, but I’m not going anywhere.
I was struggling at this point. I was getting caught up. I didn’t want to get screamed at any more. So, with water in hand, I sat at the table. She went into the closet in our living room, which is now her new “play area” so not some weird closet thing. She took some time to herself.
After cleaning up from the pretty much uneaten lunch, and a few minutes of time to herself, I approached her. I was melting ice from the freezer and asked if she wanted to see it. She did. Then we watched the ice melt. Then, I took a couple minutes to talk about what had happened. She was still upset. So, it was a quick talk about why she got upset. Why I didn’t give in. And asked if she wanted to eat anything from her lunch. She did not. Then we got ready to go.
The hardest part of all this: I have no freaking clue the best way to handle any of it. My fall back is not to yell, but I do raise my voice from time to time. To try and keep an even tone, even when not remaining on the calm side. Then, try and find a balance of giving her space and time. Talking about what happened. And not making her feel abandoned or bad for getting upset. Then, I think about the baggage we carry around from our own childhood and lives.
A Better Father 