There is no “right time” to have a child. No matter when you do, there will be challenges. In most cases you could always have more time, more money, a better relationship. You will read a story in five years you wish you had read six year ago. Doctors will learn some new information that makes you feel horrible and angry.
Everyday you will face a new challenge. Like everyone else, except these challenges involves a child. A child that looks up to you for answers you may not have. I have learned so much about how much I do not know in the last four years.
Yesterday, an email from Upworthy.com arrived in my in box. It was about a father that lost his son at three years of age. He was reading to his older daughter one night, when he finally had to write down some of his thoughts from his loss.
I have provided the link above. My thoughts below.
The last four years had struggles to do many of the things Mr. Pringle has outlined in his post. Because, far to often in this life we take things for granted. We take our lives for granted, not to mention the lives of every person around us. Then tragedy strikes and we snap to. For a minute or two.
(A side memory. When 9/11 happened, I told my friend Dani that people are going to be nice to each other for two days. I wasn’t being cynical. That’s about all we have capacity for. Before going back to being selfish and self focused. I saw people taking an extra second to hold open a door. People looking each other in the eyes. People acknowledging one another. Then, two days later, status quo. It was heartbreaking to be right.)
We don’t like to live in a world where there might not be a tomorrow. We ignore this on a grand scale. I read a random article that “religious people” on Facebook post about family and friends. Atheists post about death (and something else, it was a stupid article, but I was curious enough to check it out). They were making the point that the religious people are better (?), i guess. Because we are so scared of talking about death, that you must be bad to do it. It was dumb, but we ignore death in our society.
My point being, and this may be because I became a father at an older age, that I worry about the no tomorrow. It’s helped guide my parenting. For better or worse. “What if the last thing I say or do to do my daughter IS the last thing I say or do to my daughter?”
So, I play more than I don’t. I read to her with her in my lap, instead of putting her in front of the TV and walking away. I tell her I love her daily and kiss her feet and arms and head and cheek. As often as I can throughout the day. I let the mess ago longer than I should, worrying I’m missing out on a lesson to teach her to clean-up after herself. I turn the other cheek at an indiscretion, because i’m not sure the best way to handle it. I would rather let the random thing go, then raise my voice at my own frustration of how to handle a situation. There are so many more examples. I’ll leave it at this for now.
I am allowed these privileges, because the mother of my daughter makes enough that I get to stay home. I do not take this for granted. I do not judge others for what they do, or do not do with their kids. Though, at points I have. At points I still do, but I try to be better.
The point of all this, don’t wait for the tragedy to happen. Don’t have to have a late night regret post, or lessons learned from your loss. Take advantage of the moments you have now. Go kiss your son or daughter or wife or best friend or parent. I don’t agree with everything Mr. Pringle wrote, or the way he wrote it, but it’s his list from his loss. Make your list, before your loss. Write ten things you will do to be a better parent today. Think of the loss before the loss and what you would have wanted to do or be. It’s not morbid, it will keep you present. Death happens. It’s going to happen. Don’t regret. We are advanced animals, that can process and think. Yet, so often we choose to ignore this about ourselves.
After writing this, I am going to make my list and post it here as my next writing. Because I am aware loss will happen. I am not going to wait to think about what I wish I had done with my daughter and family. I am going to write about what I am going to do with my daughter and family. Today is mine, even if there is no tomorrow. I will feel the loss, I will not feel the regret.
A Better Father 